Have you had a close family member, or best friend say that they didn’t want to talk to you while pregnant because it wasn’t good for them? My sister told me this recently. I had sensed a divide while she was pregnant and wanted to be honest about how hard it was for me to talk about pregnancy in a normal way since Molly died. I asked if we could talk about other things, and she said yes but never really tried. I definitely felt I represented something she didn’t want to be apart of and her words confirmed that to me. She also said that she didn’t feel authentic talking to me about other things when she couldn’t share much about pregnancy. So she chose to not reach out and carry on a relationship. Now the baby is here and she’s sending me emails saying that I am not being there for her and the baby. I am not doing enough.

I feel so many things. Has anyone had someone tell you something like this? She says there isn’t a difference between me admitting I couldn’t talk much about pregnancy and her not being able to talk about my baby dying (not her dying but rather deal with any grief/trauma on my end in any form- like I went to the baby shower and as I left I hugged her and broke down and she said “thanks for coming.”)... but I feel like that’s missing a very large piece of empathy and not the same at all.

I know I’m asking a biased group of people but I feel like it was an admission I’m not sure I will ever be able to forget. I am simultaneously shocked and not shocked at all.

I am so sorry you are dealing with such an attitude... I think what your sister is doing is simly protcting herself from dealing with your grief... she is thinking about herself only and not you.. it is not easy talking with a mama that lost her baby and your sister is just thinking about herself only and she does not think about your grief at all

Yes, I can understand that she is experiencing sth magical herself but she cannot expect you to be there for her now that she is living what you have been robbed of... now that she is a mom she should 100% undrstand how hard it is for you and how utterly hurt you are... and she should have tried to be there for you and not blame you for not being there for her... I mean, COME ON for crying our loud!!... sorry but I am mad that people can be so selfish...

Please, dont feel bad about the way you behave and for keeing a distance... you need to protect your sanity and look after your well-being before everything else... sending love your way

Even the pre-baby loss me would be on your side on this one. I think there is a lack of empathy that your sister is able to express. Some people are naturally more empathetic and others less, maybe she falls into the latter category. As for how forward? It's tough. It's very understandable for you to want some distance from her right now. But maybe (and hopefully) she will realize this is on her at some point. It's hard to not be able to talk with your own sister about this largest piece of your life.

I wish people were better at dealing with our grief.

I read your post and thought "holy sh%*! OMG, if she were my own sister I just don't know how I could ever forgive her."
Yet, five and a half years after our loss now, I am thinking of all the incredible insensitivity I have worked to forgive or overlook coming from my loved ones. This is mostly because I love them and don't want to carry the burden of anger towards them on top of my huge and looming grief over losing our baby. But the whole experience has opened up my eyes to how selfish and shortsighted people can be in general.
For instance, the first time I saw my parents and siblings after his death, (this included meeting my sister's new baby for the first time), no one said anything about my son. Not a word. No "I'm so sorry," No, "how are you holding up" not even a, "Rest easy, he's in the arms of Jesus" (which I personally would not have found comforting but my parents are very religious Christian types). It was three months after his death but my family lives half way across the country. Anyway, I thought someone would at least mention him.
I teach school and heard one of my high school students making a dead baby joke last week. I guess I should have spoken up on behalf of all of us but I just didn't want to.
Having your baby die, people see it like a leprosy. Nobody wants to be around news like that unless they're a living saint,
I am sorry we share this sad loss and people's insensitivity surrounding it.
Love to you,

. Thank you, Em. I’m so sorry. Love to you. I wish they had all spoken of your baby and then and still now.