for one and all > Defeated
Thank you. Your words are so beautiful and so many are exactly how I feel.
I lost my son in November. I had to make the decision to let him go. I still hate myself for that decision. But didnt feel there was a better decision if it meant my son suffering for a lifetime. I couldn't save him. If love alone could have saved him he would have lived a million times over. I created him but not the way he needed to be to cope with this world. I said sorry to him so many times. How do I forgive myself? Does he forgive me? Does he understand why I did it?
I feel hopeless. I feel like it's all hopeless now. And I am lucky enough to have 2 healthy children already so I know I should be grateful for all that I have. But the pain doesn't go away just because I have children already. The pain won't go away if I tried again. I am left with this heartache for the rest of my life. It's my due date this week. It's so hard to see those 'baby on board' badges in London. They're everywhere. They feel like they're taunting me.
I feel it's not fair. I dont understand why it was my son that wasn't strong enough to make it. Did I have too much already? Was life teaching me a lesson? What did I do that was so heinous in this life that I needed to be taught a lesson through the cruelest way possible. Am I a worse person than all those other mothers in their 40s that manage to have healthy children?
There is no loss like the loss of a child. A child you have longed for. Dreamed of. Designed the bedroom for in the new house.
How does life go on? How do you make peace with what happened? What will make it easier? What will make it better?
Lia - From one post with your beautiful words I know you are a good person. You did all that you could. It was not in your control. Dont ever stop telling your baby you love them. They may not be here with you physically but they are here. I pray you will have your dream of having a child. I am sure you will be receive a great gift - It is nothing more than you deserve. You display all the qualities of a wonderful mother already.
...And your special child that was so cruelly taken away from you before will be with you always.
I lost my son in November. I had to make the decision to let him go. I still hate myself for that decision. But didnt feel there was a better decision if it meant my son suffering for a lifetime. I couldn't save him. If love alone could have saved him he would have lived a million times over. I created him but not the way he needed to be to cope with this world. I said sorry to him so many times. How do I forgive myself? Does he forgive me? Does he understand why I did it?
I feel hopeless. I feel like it's all hopeless now. And I am lucky enough to have 2 healthy children already so I know I should be grateful for all that I have. But the pain doesn't go away just because I have children already. The pain won't go away if I tried again. I am left with this heartache for the rest of my life. It's my due date this week. It's so hard to see those 'baby on board' badges in London. They're everywhere. They feel like they're taunting me.
I feel it's not fair. I dont understand why it was my son that wasn't strong enough to make it. Did I have too much already? Was life teaching me a lesson? What did I do that was so heinous in this life that I needed to be taught a lesson through the cruelest way possible. Am I a worse person than all those other mothers in their 40s that manage to have healthy children?
There is no loss like the loss of a child. A child you have longed for. Dreamed of. Designed the bedroom for in the new house.
How does life go on? How do you make peace with what happened? What will make it easier? What will make it better?
Lia - From one post with your beautiful words I know you are a good person. You did all that you could. It was not in your control. Dont ever stop telling your baby you love them. They may not be here with you physically but they are here. I pray you will have your dream of having a child. I am sure you will be receive a great gift - It is nothing more than you deserve. You display all the qualities of a wonderful mother already.
...And your special child that was so cruelly taken away from you before will be with you always.
March 9, 2020 |
Rosie
Rosie
Hold your hand
See your smile
Hug you
Kiss you
Hear your little voice
Whip you little face
Tell you I love you a million times
Watch you grow into a wonderful being
& Most of all save you.
I feel hopeless.
I feel like I failed you , I couldn’t protect you like a mother is supposed to.
I see everyone with their little person while you didn’t get the chance to take your first breath.
I’m hurting , I’m dying , I miss you , I want you here
It’s not fair.
Please don’t hate me
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry