Four years. We tried for four years, year one I was told I had Polycystic ovary syndrome from then on we did fertility treatments. After a while the negative results became too painful and since we were planning a trip to Italy for a music festival I told my husband I needed a break. I worked on my health, lost weight and exercised. Two months before our trip I found out I was already two months pregnant.

First time in my life I was truly happy, the kind of happy that puts a pep in your step, a little bounce. I was okayed for the trip, I would be four months but the pregnancy was going great, no complications, perfect pregnancy. The trip wasn't perfect, I felt like I pushes myself too much, threw my back out, few bumps bit nothing serious.

When we came home life went on as usual. November 10th my water broke. How was this possible, water breaks before birth and that's not supposed to happen until 9 months, right? I obviously knew nothing. I was just a little over 27 weeks. Hospital kept me, said they wanted to keep him inside as long as possible. That was Sunday November 10, Thursday November 14 I needed an emergency C section, he had an infection and needed out now.

Nothing worked, I was terrified, would my son survive, was he going to be ok? I was put to sleep because the epidural needle wouldn't go in. I never got to be present for my son's arrival. When I woke my husband showed me his picture, "this is Luke" he said, and that was it, I was irrevocably in love.

I wasn't allowed to see him because I was told I needed to recoup. 4am the next morning I found out the truth was that Luke was sick and they needed him stable. I was woken up and told of how sick he is and that I should prepare to say my goodbyes. How can I say goodbye when I never even had a chance to say hello.

When I finally met the little being that stole my heart, we were told Luke had E coli and because of this his infections were causing seizures amongst many other problems. So many terms, so many wires and tubes for such a little being. The next Eight days were filled with hope then no hope and finally a decision. All the seizures had left my precious baby with no brain activity and a future with severe disabilities. The recommendation? We take him off life support. How? How am I supposed to live without that little face and those hands and feet, and those beautiful eyes? Never have I ever had to make a decision so incredibly hard, no hard isn't the word, earth shattering.

In those days we honored him the best we could, while living with a slight denile of what was to come. Family and friends came to say goodbye, we took pictures and moulds of his hands and feet. I sang to him and we read him stories that we had saved for when we would be older. Both of us spent every moment holding him and kissing him. On the final day, it was just the three of us. I refused to have him pass without me holding him. I wasn't there to see him enter this world, but I would be there when he left. For hours we held him, watching as he faded away. When he finally passed, I felt something inside me break.

How does one go on. He was mine, I felt him grow inside me, I held him. I'll never hold him again, or kiss him again. He is my heart, and now my heart is gone.

Luke's mom am so so sorry for your loss... there are no words that can make any of this better... and how can you make sth so tragic better... your son received so much love the days he stayed on this earth and for that you should be really proud, sweet mama...

Sending a big hug to you...

All Luke knew was love, I found comfort in that when our daughter passed away. Wishing you peace ❤️