Does anyone else struggle with sheer disbelief that your baby has died? It has been 5 months since he passed away and I cannot believe that I will never see him again. One of the hardest things for me to reconcile with is the fact that I didn't stroke his feet or hold his hands. I regret this every day and am struggling with the knowledge that I will never, ever be able to do this. I try to remind myself that I kissed him, stroked his hair and held him tightly. It helps that we have pictures of my sister holding his hand - so I know that someone did - but I cant believe that I didn't. It's gut wrenching and makes me feel sick to the stomach, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Does anyone else ever feel this way about anything similar?

Dear Eli‘s mum
So sorry to hear about your loss, I get what you are writing. After my daughter was still born it took me more than 1/2 year to sort of accept that she is gone forever. The realisation of what had happened just crushed on me every morning. I had always planned on singing to her and playing the piano but had to realise that the chance for that is gone forever, it was a key point in accepting her death. I cried my eyes out, it was a new pain in my heart, this ultimacy.
You are still early in terms of grief time, don’t be hard on yourself. Eli knows that you are his loving mum and that you would hold his hand forever if only you could. It is so sad that we can’t be with our children. Take your time, be gentle to yourself. There’s nothing you have missed doing, nothing you could have done better, there is the just the - I wish, if only - thoughts that we all have every day. Please don’t get this wrong, I know it feels different. Our hearts yearn for seeing and cuddling our little ones. You are not alone. Stay put, create some pretty crafty present for Eli and tell him we would have loved to get to know him. Holiday greetings to all of you, have some peaceful moments with your loved ones.

Dear Eli's mum,

I'm almost five years on from the death of my daughter, Maia. I still struggle to comprehend at times what happened, and how it happened. I had a perfect pregnancy and things went wrong during labour at full tern. I didn't know that was possible. I was in such shock when she died after two days in nicu. I remember when her heart finally stopped beating in her daddy's arms the nurse came in and asked if we wanted to give her a bath. I can only imagine the look I gave her! It all felt so surreal, I thought she was from another planet. Same with pictures of her in nicu, we only have a few. My husband refused to film her suffering so we have no video.
I've since met other parents who recorded their babies... The sounds they made... They bathed and memorised every inch of their bodies...
I have so much regret on that. At the same time, my logical brain tells me I did the best I could given the horrific circumstances.
It's not good enough in my books but it's done now and adding more pain to something already unbearable is just torture.
The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself for my part in what happened and how we dealt with it all once she died. Five years on, I can see all this kicking myself is just another expression of pain, of grief, of battling with the reality that my little girl died.
I'm afraid nothing can fix this. We just need to learn to live with it, and carry our love for our children alongside the pain.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, too.

Sending you much love

Gaby

Dear Eli's mum,
I've been struggling with the same thing since November when we lost our precious boy. I tried to kiss and touch him as much as I could, but it's not enough. His poor little face was covered in my tears at the end. I have so many pictures of him but non without the tubes and wires. I wake everyday realizing I'll never hold him again or even be able to smell him and not the smell he had in the hospital. I'm so sorry you feel this too. I wish we didn't, I wish we could have our babies back.
I send you my love and hope for peace.