3 weeks ago, after a perfect pregnancy, I lost my beautiful baby girl Charlotte at 35 weeks, with no explanation available. I had just had a routine gyno appt 2 days before. She was a very active baby, swimming and rolling constantly in my belly. I loved her and how happy she made me. Then one evening, I noticed she stopped kicking. Rushed to hospital, and there was no heartbeat. My world shattered in an instant. And then of course, the induction and birth.

I struggle with so many racing thoughts:

-What happened in there?
-Did I cause her death?
-Did my nightly yoga poses compress her cord and stop oxygen flow?
-Why my baby? Why am I a statistic?
-Will I ever be ok again?
-Am I doomed to a lifetime of guilt and feeling like I killed my one and only child?
-Will I ever be able to be pregnant again?
-Am I the worst mother?
-Do I even deserve children?
-WTF?

I don’t know how to live this new life that doesn’t feel real. I pinch myself daily because it doesn’t feel like THIS can possibly be my life. My baby girl is gone. How is that possible? How did that happen? I was so excited and had so many hopes and dreams for her and for us. All stolen in an inexplicable instant.

I would never blame any other woman for her loss. It is so obvious to me that those women did nothing wrong. And yet I know it was me. In my bones. I just cannot believe this happened. This is so unfair and so tragic and so life shattering... and it’s all because of me.

But I am at such a loss for words as to how this could have happened to any of us. I am not religious, I am not spiritual. I believe in science. And science has failed me. Unless I failed science by compressing her cord. I cannot believe this. My life should have been so different right now. I should be gearing up to give birth to a perfectly healthy baby in less than 2 weeks. My family shouldn’t be suffering this loss- they should be gearing up to become first time grandparents and uncles. They should not be suffering the double burden of taking care of me. Life was on track to be perfect, and instead, it’s utter devastation. All the visions I had for Charlotte and me and my husband and my family - poof, gone.

And now i constantly worry about my family because now I know that anything can happen in a literal heartbeat.

I hate this. I am completely and utterly shaken and don’t know how to survive. My innocent baby girl is gone. And nothing will bring her back.

Dear Anna,

I lost my baby boy August at 41 weeks due to a cord accident during labour. He was on his way to us,when something happened and by the time he was born it was too late. The grief and anger and guilt was overwhelming. I completely understand those feelings but want you to know, really deep down that you did absolutely nothing to cause this loss. How would you? There is no way you had that control and I really dont think your yoga could do anything to bring on this accident. It was an accident. That’s the terrible truth. I am so sorry for your pain and your loss of Charlotte. It took me some long months to gain stability- then I slowly got through the year. I grieve with a different intensity now. I can only send you love and support on this journey, and companionship. Guilt is something you will grapple with, but you must know like
I do that this was no fault of yours. So much love to you and Charlotte and your family.

Thank you for your response. I am trying so hard to convince myself I didn’t contribute to this. My doctors swore to me I couldn’t have done anything to cause this, no matter what position I was in or for how long... but I’m not buying it. I feel like I did this. I really do. I feel like I am living in a parallel universe. This can’t be my actual life. I’m so devastated and am so sad that my daughter will never get to grow up or become who she was meant to be. I am so broken.

Hi Anna,
Thank you for your comment on my post. I'm so sorry for your loss of Charlotte. There really are no words. Life unfortunately will never be the same but slowly you do get back to living. For me, I say Emma's name daily even if it's just to myself. I hung a Christmas stocking for her. Its still very fresh for you so please know its okay to cry. I did for a few months every night. I found it helpful to look at her pictures as hard as it was she is/was my baby girl and will always be. You did absolutely nothing wrong. This is truly a fluke of nature. I hope that one day science can provide us an explanation but for now I think its important we keep sharing our stories. Our lives have changed forever and still I cant believe my daughter Emma is gone. But you will be able to smile again. Let yourself grieve cry, scream, whatever it takes and utilize sites like these as your outlets. Sending love and hugs. Bernadette

I am so sorry for your loss of Emma - that’s a beautiful name. I also find comfort in the 2 good photos we took ourselves (the hospital photos were atrocious). And I too hope to include Charlotte in family traditions like your Christmas stocking tradition. I agree that it’s incredibly important to tell our stories as I am learning it is more common than I initially thought, though still so rare such that it feels like it can never happen to you. I know science has few answers when it comes to stillbirth but I also can’t help but feel that I caused this by compressing her cord during belly tightening yoga poses, no matter what the doctors say. I just keep picturing her little perfect face... and imagining and convincing myself that I caused her death. :(

Anna,

I’m so sorry about your precious Charlotte. She was such a lucky baby to have you as a mom. I went through something similar to this in May, during labor complications, the doctors started losing my daughter, Cadence’s heart rate. They did an emergency c section, but unfortunately she came out limp and spent too much time without oxygen. We’re absolutely heartbroken, but as time goes by you do start to smile again. I struggled for a while with guilt of putting my family through this, but had to really come to the conclusion that I was doing everything for Cadence, not for myself. Everything was to keep her healthy, it wasn’t my fault. I’m so sorry that you’re here, but I hope you find support.

April

Guilt is such a normal parental feeling. There is often not much rational about it - we just want to do everything we can for our children. And this is what I'm hearing you say. That you wish you could have done something differently, something that would changed the outcome.

My daughter Nadia also died of something that was nobody's fault. We are all born with a handful of new genetic mutations that occur at conception, but one of hers was in an exceptionally unlucky place, and her heart muscle couldn't develop properly. And yet, I kept feeling guilty. Eventually, more than a year after the loss, I realised I needed something different than logic. At the time I started a sort of meditative exercise of imagining her with me (I found such comfort in that!) and as part of this I imagined apologising to her. Over and over again. It helped a lot, where nothing else could touch this knot.

But it is such early days for you. Have you agreed to a post-mortem examination? You might find out more over time.

And as always when we see a new face here - I am so sorry that you find yourself on this website, and so sorry for you loss.

Oh Anna,
I’m so sorry you’re here. I’m so sorry you can’t hold your sweet Charlotte. The guilt, for me, was the most painful part of early grief. My son Colm died the day before his due date, with no cause ever found even after extensive testing. This was in October 2018. I remember, in the Midwife’s offices when they couldn’t find a heartbeat, thinking that surely the police would be called and I would need to be charged with something. The guilt is irrational and is powerful and no one can convince you otherwise at the time. It is not your fault though. The guilt is part of this baby loss grief. And it is normal to feel that way. But I’ll say it again anyways—it is not your fault. You are a beautiful and loving mother and you didn’t cause this. My mantra in those early weeks was this: “Be kind to Colm’s mother” meaning me. It helped to disassociate a bit. So please, be kind to Charlotte’s beautiful mother—she loves her daughter and would’ve done anything to save her.
I’m sending you so much love tonight Anna. Thinking of you and Charlotte.

Thank you for your kind response. I just cant get the image of my yoga poses out of my mind. The night before this happened, I did the yoga and my belly was squished tightly for a few min. Then the next morning, she moved as regular. Then in the afternoon, she hiccuped at 3:30pm and that’s the last I remember feeling her move. I am trying so hard to believe that it couldn’t have been the yoga because she moved the following morning. But maybe that just meant she was in distress and trying to shake free the compression. I can’t get over this. My poor baby.

Anna I am so sorry about your beautiful girl. Please know that the guilt you're feeling is so normal - but feeling guilt doesn't mean you are guilty. My daughter died in January, also my first and I can feel the raw panic coming off the page when you write, I remember it so well. I went through everything I did, I was so sure it was me, that I caused it, and that if I'd spotted the signs earlier I could have saved her. It took time and good therapy for me to truly accept that I did not cause this, and I could never have prevented it. Your brain is desperately searching for some sense of control in this awful situation. You did yoga to keep your body healthy for your little one, you did not harm her. I promise.
Please try and be kind to yourself, talk to people around you, find things that bring you a tiny bit of peace. I promise it won't feel like this forever.
Sending you so much love xxx

Jess, it sounds like we had very similar therapists. I will echo how very important and life-saving therapy was for me, especially as it pertained to letting go of guilt. And yes, just because you feel guilty, it doesn’t mean you are. Another thing that my therapist said to me when I went down these guilt rabbit holes was this: We are storytelling creatures. We want a narrative. This is what humans do, especially humans who have experienced this gut wrenching pain. And Anna, I hope you are able, at some point, to tell yourself a different story—one that recognizes what a loving mother you are, that this is not your fault.

Even if you can’t hear this yet Anna, you will survive this, you are not alone, this is not your fault.

Yes NN, it wasn't until I started therapy that I realised that guilt is a major symptom of post traumatic stress and started to believe I could let the guilt go. Therapy gave me my life back and I would recommend it to anyone, when you're ready. Exactly as NN says, our brains don't really want to believe that things like this happen randomly without warning so we create links that aren't there to build a story that makes 'sense'. If we know what we did to cause this, we can prevent it next time (or so our brains logic goes).
Xx

Thank you so much for your replies. I am hoping desperately that therapy helps and hopefully convinced me I didn’t do this. I am feeling so desperate, so depressed. I am no expert but I have to believe I am experiencing some serious PTSD. I am stuck on loop - replaying everything in my mind over and over and over, yearning for my baby girl, still in a semi state of shock. Do either of you have any suggestions of what to discuss in therapy? Yesterday my therapist explained that she believes I am experiencing “inappropriate and excessive guilt” which is a symptom of depression/OCD. I can also definitely understand the need to concoct a narrative to explain the unexplainable. Thank you for your responses. I have screen shorted them and intend to reread them as needed. They are comforting. Thank you. Thinking of both of you and your little loved ones.

Hello Anna,
I lost my full term baby boy to a cord accident in 2014. I used to suffer a lot of guilt over it and have been able to let a lot of that go over the years. During my pregnancy, a midwife suggested I do handstands underwater when she discovered his condition was breech (to help get the baby to turn). I felt that I caused his death because of this even though the events are not necessarily related. I even have a girlfriend who did headstands during her pregnancy (to get the baby to turn) and came out with a healthy baby whom she delivered naturally head-first and everything. The bottom line is even if I somehow accidentally did something that caused his death I really would do anything to have avoided that had I known and so I really have no choice but to forgive myself.
Here are a couple of things that helped me with my guilt: (similar statements have been made by other ladies who posted here), the first idea that helped, "our minds want to make sense of this so that we feel we have control over uncontrollable events hence the guilt," the second idea that helped, "guilt implies an intent to do wrong; you had no intention of hurting your baby so you can not be guilty."
As has been said, guilt is a normal feeling associated with grief, I feel this is especially true with us baby loss mamas. Try to be kind to yourself. You will find much to read in the archives on the subject of guilt, I'm sure, if you are looking for it.
A lot of us struggle with that one.
Hugs.

Hello Anna,
That loop you’re in is definitely grief, and yes, most likely P.T.S.D. I’m not a medical professional, but I’ve gained quite the education in the last year and I would suggest finding a therapist that has experience with grief, trauma and if possible, pregnancy and infant loss. Something that helped me immensely with both feelings of guilt and the trauma surrounding my son’s death was Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy. It is short in duration and has a lot of research behind it. It helped me correct some of those false guilt narratives and reprocess the experience in a supportive way so I could finish the loops, and move forward. This doesn’t “fix” the grief you feel, but it allowed me to love my child without the specter of shame and guilt, which has made all the difference in the world.

I want you to know that I’m thinking of you, and that even in this wreckage, there is light. I know you can’t necessarily see it now, but I promise it will come again, and your love for your sweet girl will never be diminished.

So much love Anna,
Nicole