Struggling to see the point in carrying on. Everything has been taken, even hope. Not sure why I’m posting.

I'm so sorry, Sash. Feeling hopeless is such a terrible place to be. I don't really have anything else to offer but I wanted you to know I'm here and listening (I've read your earlier post so I know why you are feeling so bad right now). In my darkest moments, the advice to take one breath at a time has really helped. xx

I’m so sorry , I am barely making it through myself ... wish I had more to offer

Your not alone , this website is the only thing that I am clinging too, reading stories of healing and survivors of the unimaginable

Dear Sash, even if you don’t know why you are posting, keep doing so. It has helped me through some very dark moments and I found comfort in reaching out and sharing my story. I am here to listen to yours. When I had hit my lowest points, it helped me to try not to think about how to get through the rest of my life, but to break it down into MUCH smaller units. The next day, or even the next hour. And then go from there. Hang in there, keep breathing. And if you‘d like, tell us about your story. Hugs,

I do appreciate your replies but I’m feeling a bit more at peace now that I have made a decision. I control that and nobody can take it away.
My story, if it makes any difference, is that:

-Baby one died in 2016 at 20 weeks gestation (told one-off)
-Baby two died in 2017 at 20 weeks gestation (told incompetent cervix so had a stitch for next pregnancy)
-Baby three was born premature 2018 and lived for 5 days (told probably all losses were probably actually infection)
-Partner won’t try again
= not a lot of point in life

That is an incredible amount of heartbreak. It must have been so hard to muster the strength to try again after one, then two losses. And then have another boy taken from you in such a cruel way, only to be told that all losses were caused by infection. I am so sorry.

I don’t have much wisdom to share, can only report from the perspective of someone who willed two living children into this world with a maximum of medical intervention, in a 7yr long reproductive nightmare. Two miscarriages and a second trimester stillbirth along the way.

Through those seven years, I clung to the idea of a „normal“ family of four that I longed for. And thought I would get if we tried hard and long enough. What I didn’t realize - the normality had died with my babies. There was too much grief and trauma to ever be „normal“ again. I had the kids I longed for, and a year later, the husband was gone. He said I had changed for the worse. So now I am battling on, single-parenting these two kids that I love so much, but life still is a struggle. Having them has not been the magic fix I had hoped for. I would not dare to complain any further. The kids bring love and joy as well, and that makes life worth living despite complete and utter exhaustion, money worries, lack of adult company and not a trace of social life to be had. We are doing ok

I have been told by my therapist and smart books that I read to not make life changing decisions in the thick of grief. I found that to be sound advice. It took me about three years after the last loss to get my head around it. Three years to find my feet a bit after the separation. Right now, you are in the midst of debilitating grief about losing not one but three babies. It seems impossible to me to not feel the way you do right now - just drained and with no hope for the future.

Maybe you could bring yourself to focus on a little self care and just try and battle on? I would not have had any of that years ago and got angry when people suggested this, but with time, it gets a little easier and I am sure you will discover things in your life that will make it worth living eventually. Hang in there mama,

I know that you mean well and are very sweet to respond, but hearing about the fact that you have two children now has not helped.

“The kids bring love and joy as well, and that makes life worth living”

That sums it up really.

Sash,

There is a forum on here that doesn’t get much traffic. It’s for those of us who aren’t trying to conceive after loss, or don’t want to. I did not have a baby after mine died. I just couldn’t. There is a point that each individual must come to when they know they have reached beyond their bandwidth and are done. It sounds like you are there and there is a sacredness in that. Who says what that is? Maybe 4 miscarriages or 1 stillbirth. There is a peace that can come from deciding there is a life outside of parenting living children. Because there is. However I don’t know if you’re saying you are giving up on pregnancy or giving up on general. You’re going to have people bring up adoption and it’s going to feel awful. Unless you want it and then it is a hope. I adopted two years after my baby died, and it felt like it saved my life in some ways. But, I had gotten to a point where I was also okay with moving forward without it. You are an individual capable of your own decisions and you are hurting after unspeakable loss. What a shitshow from the medical community. I’m sorry. I hear you and I understand stopping and the hardest yet best thing to do is to just love yourself as best you can.

Thanks Anon.

To clarify, as my partner won’t try again, I have given up on life itself. I desperately wanted children but all I got was loss and now the death of hope. Adoption isn’t really a realistic option in my country.

People tell me to ‘keep fighting’ to ‘battle on’ ‘take one breath at a time’ but why? When there is nothing left to live for, what’s the point? The poster above made me realise that I’m right about this when they said that their children (despite the difficulties) make their life worth living. I’m not going to get the good fortune of having living children to make my life worth living.

I think the peace is coming from deciding to leave this all behind. Losing three sons has taught me that there are worse things that could happen to me than to die.

Sorry Sash to upset you even further. Not what you need right now.

Sash,

Maybe I am misinterpreting...I am not sure if you literally don’t want to live anymore... but I want you to know that your life is most definitely highly valued and worthwhile even after these unspeakable tragedies and even after the loss of hope for a child. You still matter. You are enough.

Dear Sash, you have gone through so much heartbreak that I struggle to wrap my mind around it. I completely understand why you feel desolate.

When I was feeling very low, I would remind myself that my dead daughter lives on in my memories of the pregnancy, and in my imagination, and in my heart. There is nobody carrying her forward as much as I am, and even though I did not get to know her properly, I sometimes enjoy the special bond that we still share. But it took a while to get there, and there were many dark days in between.

My partner and I have struggled since the loss as well. He needed to detach from the details of what happened, I needed to think about it day and night - and both our needs were urgent. It didn't make for a good combination. My impression is that for him the stillbirth was a terrible, terrible event - but an event nonetheless, locked in time. And for me, it was just the beginning of a lifelong relationship. But, coming back to you, what I have found is that both his needs and mine changed over time, and somehow, impossibly, we are again converging. Perhaps your partner's position is not written in stone either, but he might need some time to heal his own wounds. Because the losses you two have been through... They are too much for anyone to carry.

I hope you will keep writing, even if just to let us know you are still there, and for us to say we still hear you.

Sash,

As Ana said - I hope you will keep writing and let us know you are there. We are all listening - my heart is aching for you.

This is an older post about no rainbows, but I thought it and some of the comments might make you feel less alone - http://www.glowinthewoods.com/blog/2016/2/15/just-the-storm.html.

Sash, you and your children are in my heart and thoughts. I wish I could hold you so we could cry together. You are not alone.

SR, I found that post but it was about choosing not to try again (I didn’t choose not to try again) and pretty much every single comment was from women who have living children. That’s the problem. I don’t have any living children. It’s not the same. Perhaps I am missing something but it’s like a knife going in to read about others’ who have the one thing I’d give anything for.

It’s time to hang up my hat. Life holds zero appeal to me now and I am exhausted trying and failing to find someone who gets it.
Thanks for your comments. Over and out.

Sash, please, please, please keep coming here. Please please please keep searching for connection. When I was deep in grief and hopelessness a wise person led me close to a wall. He pulled out a sharp pencil and drew a pencil dot and made me stare at it for a few minutes and then had me look away and try to find it. Of course it was right there. I saw it immediately. "Right now this is your grief and hurt and anger. It is consuming and all you see." Then he had me take a few steps back and a few more. The tiny dot that seemed so huge became smaller. IT WAS STILL THERE but with a little distance I could see other things. I am a living testament to the wisdom of his words. Right now all you see and feel is that awful awful awful dark. But if you allow time to work you will see other beautiful things. PLEASE CALL A HELP LINE. PLEASE.

Sash, I'm echoing C's comment above. Please call a helpline. Something a ruthless and wise friend said to me, in my darkest moments: do not be so certain that you can see around corners. You can't. You don't know what lies ahead in life that will generate value and worthwhile experiences for you. I've never successfully anticipated the most formative and most shockingly appreciated people, events, good fortune, or nightmares that have occurred in my life, whether I've been at my lowest or my highest. You do not know what else there is. You need to give yourself the chance to experience it, to see with some distance.

Please call a helpline. There's nothing more we can do here, as you're anonymous. Please get help. Whether you're connected to your parents or your family, estranged from them, regardless of whether or not they're still with you: you are THEIR baby. Do not be lost to them as you've lost your babies. You could do nothing to intervene for them, poor loves. But you CAN do something to intervene for yourself. xoxo

Oh Sash- I wish I had the right thing to say... but I remember those early days so vividly. I’m posting as anonymous because no one else really knows how close to suicide I actually got. I slowly realized that my “wouldn’t it just be easier if I fell asleep and didn’t wake up” thoughts had turned into actual plans that I thought about carrying out (I would do it in a hotel room or at the side of the highway so my husband wouldn’t be the one to find me. I also found myself checking my life insurance policy to see if the rest of my family would be covered... and then thought about how to disguise my suicide as not suicide). I realized what I was doing at some point and just had to pull myself back up to the surface. I remember thinking to myself “I’m not crazy; this isn’t me; I can’t do this to my sister”. And I got help. I saw a therapist and even though I never admitted to anyone how close I actually got, it helped. Please keep going. Keep coming back here and just read post after post. Many of us have been at this low point too. Your feelings are valid; and I I’m going to go ahead and say I think suicidal thoughts are normal with the loss
of a child. But stay with us. We need you too.

I hear you. This place is wonderful and we all share one thing- the loss of a child or children. But all of the other things about us are unique and sometimes we need a different part of ourselves to be heard or nurtured or supported. I found this place: https://childlessnotbychoice.net
which is for people who don’t have living children when it isn’t their choice. I found it to be a less triggering place when trying to deal with my lack of a ‘rainbow’ and without any living children x

Sash
What I hear you saying - is that for you - life without any living children does not feel worth living. And now that your partner has said no to you ever trying again - that has taken away any hope you have ever had for your future. I’m so sorry to hear this. And I am so sorry to hear of all the terrible loss you have experienced. You did not deserve this amount of suffering no human does and I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.

My son died at 21 weeks due to fluid loss they say was prob caused by infection. It was the absolute pits - no explanation and no logic to why this happens to some of us and it is just utterly brutally unfair.

I get your sense of total despair. I understand the logic of it on many levels. And I also get how upsetting it probably feels when people say to just come to terms with it, or it will get easier with time etc...especially painful from people with living kids I know.

But on one level - I just wanted to say - who says your partner gets to decide that you can’t ever try again? If this is so important to you that you would consider taking your own life over it - then maybe there are still a few choices you could try first before doing something so final and drastic?

These might seem like crazy ideas, but surely better than ending your life...what’s stopping you from dumping your partner and maybe meeting someone else who might be willing to try surrogacy with you one day? Or maybe you could even do it on your own with a sperm donor and surrogate? Hugely expensive and maybe you’d have to do it overseas depending where you live - but perhaps a friend might offer for you? Or you could save up for a year or two? I don’t know...

Just saying - if you are at the point of considering ending your life because your partner won't let you try again - then maybe you could consider finding some different options to try, you don't have to accept what he says if it is that important to you that you would choose to die over it...
Perhaps there is still some chance at hope first - before giving up? Your life is so precious. You are suffering terribly - I get it - no one deserves to experience the hideous amount of loss you have been through.

I understand that it is the lack of any hope that is making it feel too hard to keep going. But what about Surrogacy? Adoption/fostering? Meeting a new partner who is divorced and has kids of his own? Meeting and marrying a widower with small kids? I know these might all seem like crazy ideas but perhaps there’s some hope in there somewhere.

I need to say that then your life is still very precious, with or without living children, you are precious and I really urge you to hold on and reach out to a help line and give yourself some time to think things through some more. Waiting a bit longer doesn’t take the option away from you but it might help you find a tiny piece of hope again?

Right now you are in a fog so thick it is hard to see any possibility for light to get in - but perhaps there is still a chance for some light if you just wait and hold on and see for a bit. Please please take care of yourself and please reach out to a help line and I am sending to so much love your way right now x

Hi Sash,
Have been thinking about you and hope you will send us a line to let us know you're still alive.

Shash-

I hope you are still alive and reading this. I know where you are coming from. I lost my son at week 27, and due to medical circumstances having another child is not really possible for me. I had been desperate for a child, for years, and it was hard for me too to read these posts where women had other living children— I felt like I had nothing and I wanted to die. I was consumed with it for several months. I am a year out, and it’s been a hard year, but there are times when I feel joy and I actually am happy to be alive. Your going through the hardest part, and having made it to the other side, it does get better. I guess that is partially how I got through it- I heard other stories of how women like us did it. Trust me- there are a lot of us out here who don’t have living children, and don’t have the option to have another. You are not alone. Please let us know you are alive and are getting help. As impossible as it seems now, I promise there will be a time again when you are happy you are alive.

I keep thinking about Sash and hoping (and praying) for her. And for anyone else who might feel despair as deep as hers. I suppose suicidal feelings and thoughts are relatively normal for baby lost parents. Perhaps knowing that may give some comfort and hope that however dark the days and nights are right now, we are not alone. Prayers again for Sash (and everyone). And I again plead with anyone experiencing those thoughts and feelings to speak out. Your life is valuable. You are irreplaceable. You are important.

Dear Sash,
I can relate to you to an extent... I lost my first baby, a daughter in 2018 at 30 weeks - 10hrs after birth and I also lost my second baby, a son 3 weeks ago (nov 2019) - 2.5hrs after birth who was also 30 weeks. Both due to excess fluid as a result of a congenital disorder. I have been told by doctors that I probably won’t be able to have any healthy natural pregnancies.

I commend you for being brave enough for trying a third time & even wanting to try after that... this shows you still have some hope in you. All is not lost. If you still have a strong relationship with your partner I suggest that you give him time and give yourself time. You must heal completely mentally & physically before trying again.

I hope that you find your peace in this life and grow stronger. You have huge rewards waiting for you as long as you are patient.