This November will be 1 year since the premature birth of our twin girls whom we managed to conceive after 4 IVF tries and whom we unfortunately lost 25 and 39 days later. I never ever have thought that we wouldnt be taking our girls home. Instead of taking our girls home to watch them grow however, we took them home in order to dress them and bury them.
I remember the first days and months I really hated my life. I was telling my husband that every day. Then gradually I stopped thinking of my life, I think I was just living in auto-pilot. We moved to a different place for a few months for my hubby's work and that helped. Beginning of July we returned home. I was feeling a bit stronger (or so I thought) and we decided to do another round of IVF as I am 41 and time is not on our side. I was crying and crying the days before we started the injections. I was feeling like I was letting my daughters down. I managed to control it and middle of August I learned that I was pregnant.
We were really happy yet scared to bits. Weeks were progresing ok but everytime I went for an U/S I had a bad feeling afterwards and as it appeared I was right. At 8 wks 5 days we went for an U/S and we were told that our baby's heart stopped beating.
I had to go back the nex day for a D&C on the same hospital I gave birth to our baby girls in November and the even greater irony, on the day my brother got his wings 7 years ago!
That was a week ago. Ever since I miss my girls ever so much. I dont think of the baby I just lost but I cant stop thinking of my girls. Why did we have to lose them? Why couldnt they stop my contrations? Why are we still in the same spot or no, we are in a much worse spot than we were a year ago? I cant stop thinking how wonderful I was feeling when I was pregnant with our girls. I miss them so much and the worst think I feel like with losing our girls we lost our chance of ever becoming a parent to a living baby.And with losing this baby a week ago all hope is now lost with that baby.
How will I manage to learn that we will probably live a child-less life when all we want with my hubby is a baby of our own? Why life has to be so cruel? Why do we have to shed so many tears?
I did not tell anything to my mom as I dont think she will be able to handle it. two freinds of mine know about our recent loss but I have received no support whatsoever. One of them told me "I wish I knew what to do to help you" and I told her that there is nothing she can do. And that was that. No contact since then. Me and my hubby are going through this on our own. We have become stronger as persons but we have lost all our innocence if you know what I mean. We are no longer carefree as there is this pain that lurking inside. A huge hole in our heart...
Will we ever smile with pure happiness I wonder?...

...sorry for the long post... thank you for reading...

Mary, I hear you and am with you. After many years of infertility treatments, we somehow conceived twin girls naturally. Tragically, they were born too soon and passed within hours in our arms. I was hospitalized for a week prior hoping against hope we would make it to the edge of viability. I was too far dilated for any medical intervention and our girls too young for any medical intervention. Given my age and infertility, we decided to try again as soon as we could. I tried IVF once and found out on the girls’ due date that of the two eggs retrieved (only 2!) neither were viable. I was devastated. We have been in medicated cycles ever since with only two “breaks” related to a chemical pregnancy and a missed miscarriage (had a d&c at 8 weeks). I never imagined they would die and I never imagined we still would not have a baby now. We looked in to adoption and the waitlist is about 18 months which feels like an eternity when we should have our girls. Tomorrow is their day - two years since the unimaginable. Infertility compounds and complicates grief. In the beginning, I was overwhelmed by the what if’s and if only’s and now I’m plagued with the why not us? thoughts. Other people seem to able to get pregnant easily and can assume their baby dreams will come true. Other people with infertility problems get pregnant and have miracle stories. Other people’s babies survived. Other people....on and on.
For us, I don’t think there will be pure moments of joy anymore. We still feel happiness, joy, love, etc. but there’s an eternal undercurrent of profound grief and loss.
My broken heart is here for you in any way that is helpful. Much love and light to you and your husband.

Mary,
I’m so sorry for your losses - for your twin girls and the miscarriage. You are dealing with a lot. The pain of losing two baby girls , infertility, and miscarriage- it’s too much. It’s so unfair . I just would like to hold some hope for you tonight. I had my last baby with the help of egg donation after losing an infant to a rare disease, and two subsequent miscarriages at 8 and 5 weeks. It was my seventh cycle and last embryo that worked. I was 45 years old. I had many dark days and months. I came here to glow when I was at my lowest. It was here that others held out hope for me or just related to the trying and failing and pain that brings. So, I don’t know what to say but will hold hope for you.

My dear "t", I am so very sorry for your loss. Your message brought tears to my eyes because I can so relate. No parent should ever have to live the loss of their child.. your girls are dancing in heaven with my girls and am sure that thy want their mommies to be happy.. our lives are changed for ever but I pray and pray and I will pray for you too that after all this heartache we will smile again... I wish everything was so much easier, I wish we didnt have to endure such pain and sorrow... sending love your way and am here for you too... may the sun shine brighter than bright soon.. xxx

My darling Anon, thank you for your beautiful message of support. You are so strong... you survived 7 cycles (you are a warrior mama) and you got your miracle baby in the end... It gives me hope to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I truly need a glimpse of hope in my life atm... xxx

Im so very sorry. The pain is unbearable and more so with the recent loss adding another layer of grief to your already broken hearts.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel, it's just that we cant see it when we are in the thick of the darkness.
Much love xx