I have heard from four people and the new mother herself how hard it is that her baby is here and healthy. Complaints include things like tiredness, breastfeeding problems, recovery from delivery, adjustment to taking care of someone else.

I.have.no.sympathy....

It hurts because my family is all validating that this is okay, like a real sense of pity and concern. I know postpartum depression is real, but I don’t have sympathy because all I can think of is what a lightweight this person is if they can’t even handle a healthy baby. Then I get really mad that if this is supposed to be hard for the general population, I guess I should be doing worse and more angry than I thought. Because mine died and I survived and am now listening to stories about the hardships of planned babies within a marriage who are healthy and alive.

Couldn’t agree more. It actually enrages me.

People can be so insensitive. Yes, many things are hard. But complaining to the mom whose baby died is really insensitive. I think you’re within your rights to say to those who do: “you know, since my baby died, I’m really not the person to complain to about adjusting to a healthy, living, baby. Thanks for your compassion and understanding.” And if they insist, leave, hang up etc. You don’t have to put yourself through listening to that. Be kind to yourself.

Yes, AB... and the person complaining is my sister. And the people concerned and showing lots of sympathy is the rest of my family. Then there’s me over here fuming.

Anon...I’m so sorry. That’s even harder. Hugs mama. I would still say something (and I did, once, it helped a little) but everyone is different.

My sister lives far away and came to stay with me when her baby was about eight months old and this was about ten months after our newborn had died. She complained about sleep deprivation and the like. It infuriated me but I kept quiet. After she went home though my anger did not subside so I wrote her a letter and told her that I didn't appreciate her complaining to me, I said that I thought it was easier to be awake at night with a live baby than with a dead one (since my grief often had me awake in the middle of the night). She sent me a card with some kind words back along with a small gift. We are on good terms nowadays. I think sometimes people need to be reminded how good they have it, even me.