my husband & i are approaching our son's first birthday, and the one year anniversary of his death (which was three days after his birthday, and my birthday is wedged between the two days). we'll be together for those days and i'm wondering if any of you have suggestions of something to do on those days. i was thinking of writing our son a letter, maybe something we can do every year, and looking through the few photos and videos we have. that doesn't really feel like enough... we live abroad in a rented house, and planted a tree earlier this year at our son's grandparents house so when we go home to the USA we can see that. i welcome any ideas to mark these days and honor our son.

with love

Hi P’s Mum. Your ideas sound great but do whatever it takes to get yourself through this time. Next year (and every year thereafter) will feel different and it’s ok if you change how you remember and honor your son as time goes by. Especially in the first year, I needed to have a plan for special days so that I had at least a little bit of control over something. I make a birthday cake each year and we eat it together on a picnic rug by the lake because that is something that I had imagined doing with her before she was born. On the anniversary of her death I lie on the grass in the sun (weather permitting) because that is what we did on our last day with her. I have also tried to incorporate little hikes or a massage or other things that offer me some kind of gentleness. Be as generous to yourself as you can. I’m sure you love and remember your son every day you get out of bed (and the days when you can’t) and that’s a beautiful tribute to him.

On our granddaughter's first birthday we went to the hospital where she was born and each of her siblings and her mom gave the nurses an angel gown I had made from donated wedding dresses, in memory of her., to be given to other grieving parents. My daughter-in-law also gave them a beautiful letter and a bag of chocolate. I still marvel at the courage it took for her to go to the hospital on that day and remember the events of the year before. Lots of tears from the nurses who remembered and all of us. This year for her second birthday we went to the funeral home who cared for her little body before her burial and gave them dresses for other parents to use for their sweet baby's burial. Each month on the day of her birth/death my son, daughter-in-law, and their children visit her little place in the cemetery and have sushi since that is what mom craved while she was pregnant. They make an event of those days and always celebrate her each month. You will discover what gives you the most comfort and as K said sometimes that may change and that is completely okay. Hugs to you as you face that hard, hard day.