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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > When he’s done... and you’re not

We’ve lost three sons and managed to keep our relationship together. I even thought it had become stronger. But now we’re at an impasse. I want to try one more time with the medical interventions we’ve been recommended. But he’s done and doesn’t want to try anymore. We don’t have the luxury of time because of my age - I’ll be 40 in a few months.

I feel like I’ve lost all my hopes for the future as well as my precious babies. What now? If I stay with him I’m bound to resent him and if I go I’ll be alone and without the man I love (and still without my longed for child).

Anyone else faced this?
September 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSash
Sash, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your three boys. I have not personally endured multiple losses as you have - (I lost my first son about 8 months ago, to what our MFM thinks may have been incompetent cervix, and have been waiting to try again due to medical issues and healing), but I thought I'd share my experience with my husband throughout the months and our conversations about trying again. For the few months following the death of our son, and during the time where we were both in those dark early days, my husband was really questioning whether he would ever want to try again, because the pain was just so immense and immobilizing. We also did not have a clear understanding (nor do we now) about exactly why I went into premature labor, and so the sense of uncertainty is/was huge. Over the last couple of months we made appointments with and picked a really well regarded MFM to provide our care, and when the MFM spent over an hour with us discussing future interventions and his confidence in our next pregnancy, my husband was able to become excited about trying again in the future. We will no doubt both be stepping into really scary, uncertain territory when we do try again, but having a really good doctor made my husband feel more excited to try.

I do understand where your husband is coming from, it's hard to feel like so much is out of your control and to feel like you may be setting yourself up for another heartbreak (I feel this all of the time, and it personally makes me question sometimes whether I'm ready, when I will be ready). However, I really, really, understand your wanting to try again - to me, it always comes back to trying again being worth the small risk of a repeat of the last pregnancy, that the rewards of a living child are so, so, so huge. Have you considered couple's therapy? Have you met a doctor that you both feel confident with?

Love to you, mama.
September 16, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison