search discussions

glow in the woods

front page
the archives
what is this place?
the contributors
comment policy

Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > New to this community 4 weeks after loss

I just recently went through a stillbirth. It was my first pregnancy and I was 32 weeks and 3 days. I had gone to my OBGYN and gotten a check up the thursday before and his heartbeat was good, 130bpm . I had lost 3 pounds, which for me weightloss is difficult at normal times which I mentioned. She said it could me being really tightly controlling my gestational diabetes. That tuesday morning I woke up to not feeling him move, which he slept like a rock usually meaning he didn't move when he slept. The unusual thing that was a warning sign was our cat, who had been up until that morning tailing me and glaring at me to sit down and watching me like a hawk, wasn't doing his normal thing. He only came up to me after I had gotten my shoes and socks on and was about to leave for my appointment.

I went to my Maternal Fetal Medicine dr's office, because I have high blood pressure normally and controlled, and they weighed me, which I had gone down a further 2 pounds, and I told the nurse who told me the same thing the regular dr told me which is weight fluctuates normally based on what you eat. I knew then something was going on and just sat and waited for the ultrasound they were going to do that day. I go back and they start doing the ultrasound, he was very still..... I thought okay he's been that way before and been perfectly fine. They tried to look for heartbeat and blood flow in the placenta, nothing nothing at all. The nurse left and got the dr, I felt his head bump against my stomach, which had been a usual thing in those last 2 weeks, it became kinda comforting and I joked that he'd probably find that exact spot after he was born. I felt him there as the dr told me and they showed me on the ultrasound. They asked if I had anybody with me that could take me home. No because I was thinking this was going to be normal visit and I was having first time mom-to be jitters. I had them call my OBGYN to see what she wanted me to do and I called my husband. It was the most heartbreaking thing to have him trying to cling to hope of they might be able to save our son and have to say no there is nothing they can do.The dr told me my regular OBGYN wanted me to go on to the hospital. I told my husband to meet me over there. One of the nurses on staff walked with me over to the local hospital's er labor and delivery. I am so very grateful she did and took the er admitting nurse to the side to tell her what happened because I had used up all ability to say it having had to tell my husband and tell him what was settling in my mind. The er waiting area, which unfortunately is very small for a newly built portion of a rather large hospital with multiple complexes, had other pregnant women all having living babies.Not that I'm mad at them but not exactly what I needed at that moment. As soon as my husband came in is when I was called back, had me change into the hospital gown and get ready for probably the longest 9 and half hours of my life. I'd had no information about what the dr wanted done other than she wanted me to go on to the hospital, Mentally, because my dad was a nurse for most of my childhood and my grandma had been a nurse as well, I knew that they were going to go ahead and get him out. I wasn't prepared for it to be that very day. I wasn't prepared to have to make that decision with only 4 hours or sleep given that I thought I was going to a normal routine check up. The nurse talks to me dr and hands to phone to me, telling me the usual sorry for this happening, but also saying because of the way the he was laying she recommended me having a c-section but she'd be willing to let me try natural birth if I wanted, Silly me I know but I asked my husband his opinion which was "It's your body you have to make the decision." Darn it thanks hun, I chose the natural birth after which I looked at him and said "well I'm a glutton for punishment aren't I?" They gave me the pill to start trying to induce labor and with every large contraction I felt his head bump up against my stomach. All I could do is quietly mourn every time I felt it thinking I had several hours of this to go. I just would sit there and rub where his head was thinking this all that is left that I can do. After the pill to start the contractions the nurse offered to set up an epidural, I declined not just for the fact that they can actually hinder being induced and the natural labor chemicals your body produces but because I had to feel like I was doing something and I would have had to lay there for hours. The contractions, for me at least, weren't that bad I was expecting worse from what a bunch of women co-workers had told me it was for them. They got bad enough that when my husband was being annoying and trying to get a reaction from me that I bit him, not enough to break skin or anything just to get his attention. The nurse got a chuckle out of it though when he said ah she bit me. I had him at 9:39pm that night after being given a second pill to help continue my contractions We couldn't bare the idea of holding him but we did look at him, he looked so much like my husband that I was so happy.

They asked what we were going to name him and I said that we had picked a name but I couldn't bare the thought of giving him the name, he was to have been after my husband, and that we needed some time to think of a name. I think that what made me breakdown and actually cry in the hospital most was signing the papers to send his body to the morgue, which thankfully were already filled out and needing my signature, was next to the spot for my name was the title mother. After I signed the paper, which this was at 4 am roughly and I'd had an hour of sleep because they kept me in the same room I delivered him in, yes I'm mad about that still.She asked if I needed anything, thinking yes my son back and alive please, no nothing, left and I broke down crying. I desperately needed my husband, who was asleep and I was grateful afterwards he didn't wake up even though I tried, We had his parents visit us as well as some of my extended family and my mom, my dad didn't know and given he ignored the fact I was 6 months pregnant and around him for 4-5 hours he didn't deserve to know. The dr., who was covering for my regular dr who was out on vacation, came asked if I wanted to go home of stay one more night, he felt I was ready to go home as I was healing quite well and had no tears, I told him either send me home or to move me to another room. I needed out of the room I had delivered him in. Well as long as we have his name and funeral arrangements then sure..... Again another sore spot for me because I felt like I was being held hostage for this information that I had no idea about how to get. Thankfully the hospital gave us the numbers of local funeral homes. I had to send my husband to get the paperwork and speak with the funeral directors with one of our closest friends and his friends mother. I was hoping to have a little time to grieve and go with my husband as we were our little Joseph's parents, named after his grandpa at his grandpas insistence

It was harder still to go home afterwards to see the room we had been preparing and see how our pet cat, who was very confused and upset when I picked him up and he didn't feel Joseph in my tummy. The cat got further confused that we didn't let him into the room we'd been preparing. He just felt he knew and assumed that it was where Joseph was. My husband picked him up after a week of having to keep the cat away from the door and held him as we went into the baby's room. The poor cat got this horrified look on his face and wouldn't have anything to do with that door for 2 weeks. My husband and I have been going in the room to get ourselves used to it again, because we do intend to try again eventually, but It's been hard. It was awful when my milk came in the day after we got home. I woke up in tears just wanting my baby. Hugging our poor cat, who pretty sure he's part maine coon so he's baby sized anyways and about the right weight as well, in tears and crying on his shoulder while he tried to squirm away or having him on my chest and realizing I was drifting off asleep because again his weight is perfect baby weight comparison. Just last friday we brought our son's ashes home and I have been going in there to say hi to him and just let myself grieve a bit more. We haven't decided what we are going to do with the ashes, keep them or spread them at a local park if the law allows or possibly doing something else as we feel is appropriate.
August 28, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
I'm just so sorry. Keeping you and your Joseph in my thoughts especially. I wish I could say something to bring you some comfort. Know that unfortunately there are many who have walked this path before you, and while we feel very alone, we are alone together. Be kind to yourself, momma.
August 28, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMary
I feel partially guilty for not being able to give him the name my husband and I originally wanted but I so desperately wanted him to have his namesake child to be alive, to have some kind of good memories attached to that name, not this terrible memory.
August 29, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby James August 16th. Stillborn. 34 weeks. I am 2 weeks in. It’s so hard and painful to even breathe. Thinking of you and your sweet Joseph
September 2, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie
I am thinking of you and your James as well. I am very sorry for your loss as well.
September 2, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterSarah
I am sorry for your loss. There is no reason to feel guilty about the name or his death or any of it but I know guilt is a common feeling after the death of a loved one. I think especially when it is our babies. I used to have more guilt over the death of my son and still struggle with it some but not nearly so much as I used to. The thing about guilt, I read a couple of things about it that helped me: first, we tend to feel guilty because it gives us a sense of having control over things when so many things in life are actually beyond our control. second, someone on glow posted once that guilt implies intent to do harm and of course we did not and so there is nothing to feel guilty about. I find, five years out, that living with the loss was harder than I thought it would be and yet I wouldn't trade him for the world even though his life was brief and there is sadness surrounding the memories of him and having to live with out him.
September 6, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterEm