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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > One week short

Tonight, I am beating myself up again with the question if my daughter would have had a chance to live, being born at 22weeks. Yet another story in the news of a kid born at the same gestation, now happily off to preschool. I didn’t even have a choice. The hospital squarely said that they would not do anything but let her die. I begged them, and when they would not budge I seriously considered calling the police to report them denying aid. But then, I just gave up. Gave her up. And now I torture myself with reading these miracle stories of surviving and thriving 22weekers, and I seriously think I should have made that call. The hospital I was in has a level 4 NICU, just that their policy is to start treatment at 23 weeks. And they actually have pretty good survival stats for that gestation. We were one fucking week short. They had given me strong meds to stop the contractions, but they would only work with my lying flat on my back, motionless, at the highest possible dosage. Arrhythmia as a nasty side effect. After two days, doctors decided that it was for the best to stop the meds and „let nature take its course“. I could have done that for another week. I would have had myself hung from the ceiling if need be. But that doctor just came in and unhooked me from the drip line. She actually said there was no point in continuing it. Never heard a more cynical thing in my life. Not sure what I am trying to say. Just getting it off my chest I guess. I am so sorry for all your losses I read about here.
July 31, 2019 | Unregistered Commenter22w2d
I’m so sorry for your loss and for all you’ve been through. I don’t know anything about super micro preemies so I’ll just send you peace, and love and light. Be gentle with yourself mama.
August 1, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I am so sorry for your loss... reading stories of micro preemies surviving and thriving breaks my heart too as our girls were born at 24+4 wks. They stayed in the NICU for 25 and 39 days each. As much as I have wanted things to be different our girls if they did manage to survive they would have had many health problems because this is the norm for such premature births. We crossed the 24 wk limit which meant our babies had a higher chance of survival yet they did not manage to survive. They were tiny my little precious babies yet so perfect and cute.
The chances of a micro preemie surviving without major health problems are so very slim, that is the reality yet why couldnt we be the ones to beat the odds I wonder!
It is absolutely normal to feel the way you feel, it is absolutely normal to have wanted to give your baby the best chances ever. You did everything that was in your power and more for your baby. Never forget that.
Send love your way xxx