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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Please help me

Hello,
We lost our 1 month old daughter in December. We have been healing and helping each other as best we can with her loss while raising our 3 year old son. I cherish every single moment with my dear boy. This loss has affected everyone in our lives including our son. I have been trying so hard to heal and be available for him but it is quite difficult since my husband is always gone for work as he is an airline pilot and my alone time is when I do my best healing. I’m always with my sweet boy but it leaves no time for myself.. My husband would like to try again for another child. We are nearing 40 and the clock is ticking. I don’t want to increase our odds of any other awful situation happening to our child. My son is enough for me and I never want to put him through the pain of what happened again. My mind is infected with so many thoughts about should I or shouldn’t I have another. I would love for my son to have a sibling to share childhood with. I also would love to be given the opportunity to hold my own precious baby in my arms again. I long for both the peace and safety of just the 3 of us and the chaos and excitement of adding to our threesome. I just wish there was a sign that told me what to do. Any advice for me? I would love some great advice. Our family on both sides has told us not to have any more, but this is not their life it’s ours.
June 13, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterKaia’s mom
My baby girl was stillborn in January. 19 weeks ago, after her heart stopped at 35 weeks. She was 6lb 12oz of pure perfection. It was a freak incident with her cord that stole her from us. She was our first born. We are devastated.

I am 39 and we will definitely try again at some point, when I’ve healed a bit more emotionally.

What I would say to you is, life is about living, there are risks involved with everything we do. I feel that, you would never regret trying for another child, or having another child, even if it didn’t have a good result, but you would likely spend the rest of your life living with the regret if you didn’t try. You would no doubt wonder ‘what if’ all of your days.

Live for now, live for the future, take the risks.
June 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMummy of an ange
My name posted incorrectly so just making it right.

Mummy of an Angel ❤️🦋
June 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMummy of an Angel
Kaia’s mom, I’m so sorry for your loss, and of course for yours too Mummy of an Angel. I wanted to bring the perspective of someone who is 5 years out this week from losing my daughter, who has a 3.5 year old son, and who has decided not to try again and is at peace with this decision.
There are a number of reasons for this, I’m also 39, my pregnancy with my son was high risk (not just because of age or because of my daughter’s stillbirth following a complete, concealed placental abruption) but for several other reasons that meant any future pregnancy would be even riskier. It took a while to come to this decision with my husband, but this is the right decision for me. I can honestly say that I’m at peace with it, that I don’t wonder what could have been, and that I won’t regret it for the rest of my life. I’m honestly also relieved that I don’t have to think about it any more, that I no longer have to prepare for the stress of pregnancy and for potential heartbreak.

Sending you patience, gentleness, and kindness as you find a way to be at peace with whatever you decide.
June 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I completely understand what you are saying AB. You have your rainbow baby now and that’s amazing, therefore I get that you don’t feel the need to try again. I’m sorry you too lost your daughter.

My arms are empty. I am sure I would regret for the rest of my life if I didn’t at least try to have another child. I don’t think that’s because I’m early into this journey, but more that I don’t have any living children. I desperately want this for my husband and I.

If I am lucky enough to have a living child in the future, I don’t think I would feel the need to then go on and have more children either, risky or otherwise. I can imagine if I fell pregnant again, after suffering the devastation we are living with this new life, it wouldn’t be filled with the naive bliss that I had in my last pregnancy, but that’s something I’ll always hold special in my heart as something we shared with our daughter, our first born. I am so grateful to have had the experience with her, and to feel her living inside me. She has taught me countless lessons.

I’m so proud to be her mummy, and I will love and miss her with every fibre of my being, for the rest of my life ❤️🦋
June 16, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMummy of an Angel
That makes a lot of sense Mummy of an Angel. It took me about 9 months after my daughter died before I was ready to try again. I hope you come to that point in whatever time feels right for you and that you one day are able to take home a healthy, screaming baby. Sending you much patience, gentleness, peace and kindness as you navigate these coming months (and beyond too).
June 16, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Thank you both so much for your kind words and thoughtful advice! I appreciate the differences in the way you both see the situation and after so much time thinking, I know deep down what I should do. I wish you both the very best and I’m sending great energy your way!
June 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterKaia’s mom