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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Babysitting cot death

Hello my name is Becci I’m a level 3 nursery nurse and have been for ten years. I also babysit for some parents through work. Almost a year ago on one of my babysit jobs (known the family for years looked after both of their daughters from being four months). I went round to babysit the two daughters and their 10 week old baby boy. I last fed and changed him at 8pm. Put him to bed asleep at 8:30. There wasn’t anything in his cot with him no blankets no dummy ect. I kept checking on the children every 20-30 minutes they were all fine all stayed asleep the entire time I was there. Mum and dad cane hone around 11 and dad checked on the children as he nipped upstairs and again they were all fine and fast asleep. I left around half 11. The following day the children’s grandma cane to my work and informed me of the tragic news that the 10 week old baby had passed away in the night 😢😢. The coroners report cane back as cot death. I am still very close to the family closer than before. They invite me around their house and we have some lovely chats about the baby and how the girls are doing at school ect.. I am struggling to come to turns with what happened and although I know and the family reassure me No one was to blame it was just one of those awful terrible tragic things that sometimes happens. Deep down I can’t help to blame myself I go over that night all the time wondering if there was anything I missed or could of done. Me and my partner of 6 years are talking about trying for a baby within the next year and if I’m being honest I am terrified as much as I want to be a mum it’s always been my dream I am scared this is going to happen again. I’m terrified of having a boy, I’m scared I’m going to make my self I’ll abd I don’t know what to do. I feel silly,guilty and selfish that I’m feeling like this as I can only begin to imagine how his mum and dad are feeling and how they are managing to carry on. If anyone can give me and advice or anything that may help I will be grateful thank you!!!
May 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterBecci
Becci--

I appreciate hearing your empathy for the baby's death and I'm sure his parents appreciate it as well. Many people are not supportive after babyloss.

As for yourself--as a nursery nurse, you already know intellectually that it is rare for a baby to die...and also that there are a lot of other problems that can arise that result in a baby's death both before and after birth. Pregnancy and childbirth are dangerous and uncertain. I would encourage you to consider your chances and decide about having a baby based on whether you think the risk of loss is worth the chance to have a baby. Many people (including people who have lost) decide it is worth it.
May 26, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJack's mom