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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > So confused

It's only been a few days since I met and said goodbye to baby girl.
After a traumatic birth with my son I was so sure I was done with having kids. So I was very confused when I started having a bit of baby fever, and it didnt go away. It grew and grew until I couldnt take take it any more and I needed another baby. I needed my little Annabelle. I put almost a year of thought into weather or not I truely wanted to risk having another baby. at 18 weeks I experienced PROM, at 20 all the fluid was gone and I was bleeding all the time. On the 16th we were induced and that night you were born, you lived for 46 mins. I'm so mad, its not fair, I wanted you so bad.

And now I feel so bad and confused, its only been 3 days and yet every fiber of my being is telling me to get pregnant again. I'm 0-2 on good pregnancy and birthing experiences, why do I feel this way? I really don't want to. I hated being pregnant and we've always wanted to adopt, but for some reason its like every molecule is screaming to try again. and I hate it.
I don't want to think about getting pregnant, I wish my brain would just grieve my baby girl and love my wonderful toddler. I wish I could focus on the fact that we need to sell the old house, because we moved thinking we would need more space for a second child. I want to focus on the bit of school work I have to finish still before the end of the semester. But no, my mind keeps going back to this "need" to be pregnant again, and I hate it so much.

I'm sorry that this is so long and mostly me rambling. I feel so confused and bad, and so few people really understand.
April 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJennie
I hear you and am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my baby girl at 21 weeks 2 months ago, and can relate to feeling like I should still be pregnant/be pregnant again soon. I think part of it is physical/hormonal because our bodies were meant to still be nourishing a growing baby in our bellies and that was jolted away from us. What has helped me a bit is focusing on slow, gentle self care (walks, reading grief books, and lighting candles). You've been through a lot and everything you're feeling now is OK. Sending healing and loving thoughts to you.
April 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterK
Jennie, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my son at 24 weeks three months ago, and I can absolutely relate to you about the strong desire to become pregnant again soon. I had a c-section, and have a minimum wait of one year, so I can't actually get pregnant yet. I will tell you that that desire has faded slightly, and the need to experience my grief fully, without a set time frame has shown itself. I think that initial strong desire may be tied to the intense hormones and need to nurture after giving birth - it is our instinct, and it is so deeply ingrained in us to care for a baby after birth.

I am sending you strength in your early days. The desire for pregnancy, and the grief, ebb and flow for me and my ability to walk with those emotions has gotten easier over the weeks.
April 22, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
I just wanted to say I think it's so normal to feel this way. The momentum from being pregnant comes to a screeching halt and then what? The C-section also afforded me the time to wait. And I think I am better for it. At least I hope. We did adopt, so I can tell you pouring yourself into that, rather than pregnancy, results in another kind of hope and promise. And it was so worth it. Amazing, actually. I got certified to adopt while toying with getting pregnant again, and adoption came first. I wanted to be pregnant, but it wasn't right or I would have done it. It's hard to explain, but it was the best choice for me moving forward. I still grieve my broken body that couldn't make the healthy baby. I grieve the happy ending. But I know that doesn't exist for me anyway, because I can't undo what happened.
April 25, 2019 | Unregistered Commenteranon
I am so sorry for everyones losses, and it is so good to hear that this is normal. And finding people that have lost their babies around the same time.

anon, my husband and have considered adoption, we have considered it multiple times over the years, he would rather adopt then have me get pregnant again.But for some reason I go back and forth. I feel like I could be happy with just our son and not having any more, and then I get excited about having another and I get excited about adopting and then I feel this ache to try for another pregnancy. Its heart wrentching feeling confused on what I want. That urgency feeling has faded a lot since I lost Anna. I'm thinking a lot more logically about the issue now and going to push for testing to make sure I can even have a healthy pregnancy, I'm afraid the c-section with my son may have been a hack-job and ruined my uterus. I also figured out I don't want to try again til after Annas due date, I'm pretty sure it would mess with me too much to have my pregnancies overlap.

Thank you again for everyones input, its helped me feel a bit more sane.
April 25, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterJen
Jen, I am so sorry for this heartbreaking experience that you have gone through. You’re completely right, its just not fair. There isn’t much that I can say but do know that you are not alone. Feel what you feel, there is always someone here that will listen and lend a shoulder for your grief. I am sending you a big embrace with a tight loving squeeze.
June 19, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterEva