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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Forgetfulness

At the time of the funeral I was unable to remember which flowers were going where, who they were from, etc... I remember saying to my mum and sister multiple times "so these flowers are going in the coffin with her, right?" "no darling, remember those flowers cant go in with her, it's the other ones that can". It made me feel very stupid and I even cried over it. But a little time helped me realise it was normal because of the stress and trauma I was going through 8 months ago.
The problem is that it's come back and it shows at work (I'm a foreign language teacher in a preschool in France). Once I finish an activity I forget to take my equipment with me, I forget which class I have next and often go to the wrong one, last week I arrived one hour too early and on Tuesday i arrived one hour later then I should have because I thought I started at 3 when infact I never start at 3. I broke down in tears and apologized but Gosh I felt so stupid. The fresh trauma and pain is no longer there but my brain is acting like it is.
Has this happened to anyone else?
March 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMachaela
Firstly I am deeply sorry for your loss.

I lost my son 12 weeks ago.

I too often feel like I'm on auto pilot and am quite forgetful. I have driven past my daughter's school and kept driving without realising I hadn't picked her up. The other day I forgot her school bag at home and had to drive back to get it. I guess my mind is somewhere else. Maybe it gets better with time. I just dont know how much time.
March 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterM's mum

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh yes, I'm still forgetful in periodes, our last loss was 4,5 years ago. I'm right in it now, keep forgetting things as "bring your favourite toy to school", bring your school tab each and every day, forget bringing outerwear to daycare (they are outside every day no matter which weather) Luckily I did remember the carnival for both my living children. I too forget things I'm supposed to do at work, I know I've forgotten something, and it takes a couple of days to remember what it was... I don't think it have been worse for me since the eraly days after we lost little miss S.
But hey, it'll get better for you guys as it will for me. Take your time, use postits, make lists -thaths been my savior multiple of times.

Scandinavian endo-girl
March 15, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Dear Machaela,

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I am almost 15 months out from losing my son, and I still feel like my brain is sometimes just a mess compared to what it used to be. I used to be so on top of remembering things, now I have to rely on calendars, reminders, lists, notes, whatever I can to keep things straight. While it has improved some from what it was at the very beginning, I still can tell a huge difference from my pre-loss self. In my old life, I did a lot of work researching trauma in children and how it affects them educationally and in a classroom. I remember reading many things about how trauma affects attention span and is sometimes even mislabeled as attention deficit disorder in children because of many of the similarities in characteristics. I try to remember this research and the effects of trauma on the brain and memory when I start to get down on myself for being forgetful and disorganized.

Our brains and souls and bodies have been through a huge trauma. While time helps, we are still so early in this journey and of course there are still lingering effects from the trauma and loss on our functioning. I try to rely on the tools I can to help me. Try not to be too hard on yourself, use whatever you can to help you remember things and we can all hope our mental capacity and memories will slowly continue to recover. Maybe it is somewhat like our grief in general. There are ebbs and flows and we just have to rely on whatever we can to make it through those times when our brains don't cooperate with us. Take care, I hope this is helpful and makes sense!
March 18, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMJ