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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Due date approaching and I cant handle it

In a week's time on the 8th of March was going to be my due date. Becausing I was carrying twins I knew that I would give birth earlier but not 3 and a half months earlier.

I cant cope with the thought of it. The day that it was supposed to be the most beautiful day of my life became my worst nightmare. How will I ever cope with losing my baby girls? What am I supposed to do from now on I keep asking myself. The last two weeks I have been really really bad crying unconscionably. I cant control how much I miss my girls, I cant cope with the fact that they are gone. I didnt even get to hold them in my arms while they were alive. They were in the NICU and we werent allowed to touch them. They didnt feel their mommy's hug and kisses, my loving touch.

I feel utter despair. What am I suppose to do now? How am I suppose to carry on? And to top it all, on the 30th it's my birthday. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.... what am I suposed to do now? How will I ever survive this?

Mary- mommy of beautiful Emmanouela and Michaela... born too soon my loves xx
March 2, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMary
Dear Mary,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful twins, Emmanouela and Michaela, what lovely names you gave them. I too, lost my son Francis three and a half months early, and was unable to hold him until we made the decision of taking him off of life support. I understand the ache of wanting to kiss and hold your children, to give them the love that you as their mother were meant to give them. I don't have words of wisdom for how to move through this despair, as I am just walking alongside you in this. Perhaps you may find some comfort in celebrating their lives, maybe by creating a time in your day to focus on the beauty they brought into your life. From what I have learned so far from others I've met who have been through something similar, the pain will never subside, but hopefully we can learn to walk with it and around it, while carrying our connection with our little ones closely in our hearts. I am so sorry we are here, and that our babies cannot be with us.

With so much love, and big hugs,

Allison
March 3, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
Oh Mary, I understand that heartache. It was really awful when I got through the milestones of both my due date and birthday last year (both 3 days apart). It was just such a sorrowful, heartbreaking time. I'm so sorry you are in that depth of despair. You are allowed to feel devastated at this time; it's a time that you should have been loving on two perfect babes and enjoying your birthday and instead it's the absolute opposite. My only words would be to say these 'firsts' are truly awful but you will get through and life will feel better for you again. I'm sorry, when I reread that it sounds so condescending but I just wanted to convey (in a very wordy fashion) that I've been with you in that pain. lots of love to you and to your beautiful Emmanouela and Michaela xx
March 5, 2019 | Unregistered Commentermeg
Dear Allison, thank you so much for your words of support. It feels nice when someone actually does understand you but at the same time it is awful as you know that they are surviving loss too. Am so sorry for your loss. I so wish we werent here and our babies were with us. Sending you love and strength as we walk on this path side by side and we try to learn how to live without our precious babies xxx

My dear Meg, one of these "firsts"is tomorrow and I will take your word for it that I will get through this and life will get a bit easier in time. I am so sorry for your loss. Wish none of us were here.Wish life will be somehow easier and calmer soon for all of us. Sending lots of love xxx
March 7, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMary
I'm here to give you warm thoughts and strength for tomorrow, do what you want to do dear.
March 7, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
Thinking about you, Emmanouela, and Michaela today. Sending lots of love.
March 8, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAllison
Emmanouela, Michaela and Mary- my rhoughts are with you today. Sending love and hugs.
March 9, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAnnie B
Mary—I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious girls. After my daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks and my due date was approaching, I was feeling exactly like you describe. I talked to my therapist about it and she said something that really helped: almost no babies are born on their due date, it’s really just a day the doctors use to mark 40 weeks since the first day of your last period and it’s just the average length or a term pregnancy. But it’s really just a guess...so she suggested picking a day, around that date and doing something to remember my daughter (even a hike in the woods or going to a nice dinner or whatever I felt would be meaningful to me and my husband). And then she suggested that in future, we remember her actual birthday. It helped me I think because I was getting so wrapped up in THAT day...and kind of spinning. Anyway, it will be five years for me in June and now we just do her birthday. Sending you peace and love mama, no matter what you do or don’t, it will be what’s right for you. Be gentle with yourself.
March 9, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Thank you beautiful mamas for your words of support. Means a lot to have someone that actually understands (even though I so wish no one was in this place). I tried to keep as busy as possible on the day and it wasnt that bad I think.
Thak you again for your love xxx
March 11, 2019 | Unregistered CommenterMary