It’s been three years for me. Sometimes I try to compartmentalize the grief away and act normal but today I hate everyone to whom this hasn’t happened. I hate that they will never know this pain. I find myself wishing bad things upon them - not necessarily death but things like financial ruin, maybe a cheating spouse (not that either of those come close to losing a child). And then I think that if they were to lose a child I’d feel heartbroken that said child’s life was cut short but wouldn’t feel so sorry that someone other parent had to endure this life shattering pain that I deal with daily. I don’t like feeling this way, but I do. I’m just filled with so much rage and resentment that somehow everyone in my life gets to keep all their children and somehow I did not. Life just goes on perfectly for everyone while I’ve spent three years literally trying to survive.

Dear Anon
I believe I know what you mean. I am extremely yealous at people who lead such a perfectly easy life with their children, not even having the slightest clue how lucky they are because that is just what they have: pure luck. They will probably never even know or acknowledge how f**** lucky they are. Some weeks ago it was my daughter‘s first birthday and not a single person in my life has even adressed a word to me. Of course I don‘t expect ‚Happy Birthday‘ but for god‘s sake it is my only daughter and it has only been one year. I am completely fed up with being patient with other people for their stupid behaviour. They don‘t even have a pint of knowledge of the pain and hurt in our souls, every day, while missing and longing for our children, and we still try to function, we are still here to endure the horror. Sometimes I feel such a rage coming up, that I really have trouble controlling it, I could just punch them to give them just a little of the hurt in my heart. But nobody gets it. They don‘t understand my feelings or my behaviour. I keep to myself just to prevent myself from irritating my environment, and now I am not only angry and mad, but also lonely. Yes I have had times when I was more accepting and at peace, but there is also fury and anger in my world. And I haven‘t found a way to deal with it yet. My psychological counsellor told me, that is just my new me, no need to fight it. Anon, tomorrow it will be another day. Maybe it will be a little easier. We are just surviving. For today, live out your rage and sacrifice a pillow or two to hit. Please stay with us, I don’t really believe that the others do actually have a perfect life. It is like a show and we all know that it can implode in a second. F**** I hate to be the one to know.

Anon & Jana, I totally get you both. I have days where I feel the same. Lately tiny things have irritated me and I find I’m snapping back with utter sarcasm just to prove that the issues in their lives are fucking trivial to the pain and hurt I feel EVERY minute of EVERY day (a colleague huffed and puffed about how busy he was and hadn’t even managed to eat lunch that day and I replied ‘yeah, some days are tough. Like the day I birthed my stillborn daughter. That was a tough day’). But inevitably passing on our hurt to others in that way is wrong, and I know that (but damn it felt good in the moment!).

Jana, the lack of acknowledgement for your daughter’s birthday is truly heartbreaking and my family are the same. It hurts so damn much. I’ve asked my mum to put a reminder on her phone and that I just need to know that someone outside my home remembers my daughter and us on that day. The silence is an added gut punch to our misery.

Sorry for my rant but just wanted you both to know that someone else is here in the world with the rage that you have every now and again. It’s all part of our grief. sending love xo

It's like you are all reading my inner thoughts. The rage is so real. Every time my phone chimes or when I run into someone at the grocery store when they say "hey, how are you feeling" I just want to scream and shout at them to tell them where to go. I want to say Idk, I buried my child, my child is dead, how do you expect me to feel? I want to tell them imagine your baby is dead for just a second and then let me ask you how your feeling. I want to tell them how angry I am that they get to have their child and I don't. I have thought about terrible things that I wish would happen to them for just a second. I know it sounds awful, but the thoughts are there. It gets so tiring putting a brave face all.the.time. I wish I could express my angry face, but I don't. I just told you guys instead. Thank you for creating this post and making me feel I'm not alone. Love to you all!

Four and a half years after his death and I am angry tonight. First, I thought I was angry at my sister in law for not remembering him on his birthday and then after being reminded not even getting his name right, and then angry at myself for not having corrected her on his name immediately, and then I felt so angry I couldn't sleep and so here I am awake after my bedtime. But now I think that I am not so much mad at her as I am at the lack of support I've felt after his death from people in general and angry that this unthinkable has happened to me at all. I am angry that he had to die, that he had to be born sick and that I had to experience the trauma of losing him. I am angry that I have to put on a brave face and carry on when pieces of me are missing.

I needed this today. I also get so angry. I have never, ever been an angry person and the last two weeks I am simply not a nice or emotionally generous person. My son died four months ago. I was a midwife for many years, then a birth researcher. Now I help countries write reproductive health standards and guidelines. Two months after my son died I was informed that my latest article was to be published- a set of indicators for safe maternity. Are you fucking kidding me? I am now back at work and still start conference calls with someone asking "and how is the baby?" I hate that person in that moment and I hate everyone at work who was well-meaning and wanted to "respect my privacy" and didn´t tell them what happened to me. I hate people who are young and not worried about being left childless. I hate that this could happen to me when I have dedicated my LIFE to recognizing safe practice and then this happens. I wasn´t angry until recently. But I am, I am livid. I am also so annoyed with people who complain about their babies, or not sleeping. I hate moms who talk about what a thankless job it is. Or moms who post things on instagram about how happy they are to have a night without kids. Really? I have a life without mine and it sucks. I hate when friends who never wanted kids, suddenly have happy, healthy kids that are the light of their life. I hate that this is my job topic and my life and I have no escape. Go forward and be angry. I was so grateful to read this today.

Reading this post just brought tears to my eyes, I feel the exact same way as you ladies and the anger and rage is so real. Like Jana, on my son's Isaiah's 1st birthday no one said ANYTHING, not even my mother or mother in law, and I was beyond hurt!! The pain we carry everyday is undescribable. I'm just glad to see that I am not the only one who feels this way, so thank you ladies for sharing your story and being so honest! !

Kathy--I'm so incredibly sorry for how insensible and thoughtless people are in your life. So many people are too ignorant and selfish to think outside their daily lives. Here's to a very happy 1st birthday to your son, Isaiah. Your son is not and will never be forgotten. Much Love.