Hello
I have been reading on this site, now this is my first post.
It has been a little over a year since I lost my first daughter Alicia, she was still born only a few weeks before her expected delivery date. I am writing our story to reach out to all of you, to greet the new, and thank the experienced for their support.
This is still the hardest and darkest time of my life, and my heart and eyes are crying in pain while I write this to you.
Alicia was my first pregnancy. Everything seemed to be perfectly normal. In third term I suddenly started to feel sick, my blood pressure raised, and I had a lot of pain because of oedema everywhere. I was told, that was just the way a pregnancy goes, I shoud endure until delivery date. I just had such a feeling, that it was time to see her earlier. Then, on a routine check, the midwife told me that she could not find Alicias heartbeat, and that I should go to hospital immediately. I thought this was just a misunderstanding, Alicia was already 36+ weeks old, she would have easily survived if I had borne her already. Nobody loses a child at this age, I repeated in my head. So I drove to the hospital, thinking I would just clear everything up and then go home again. In hospital I was rushed to ultrasound examination. When I saw their faces I realised something was wrong. They got the head physician, who started explaining to me that this kind of loss would happen in that hospital 3-4 times a year. I got angry, thinking what should I care about this information, I just wanted to have my baby. They told me to inform my family, and led me to another room. I did not know how to tell my family. I called my husband, knowing that he expected my call to tell him the delivery had started, but he had me sobbing on the phone and telling him he had to come to the delivery room and rush, but that there was something wrong. I had to call my father, who did not understand what I was saying until I shouted into the phone several times: She is dead! I broke, I started crying and could not stop, knowing that I could not do anything to help her. Yes she had not moved a lot the past days, but I thought I had still felt her on the way to hospital. Unbelievingness ruled in my head, this just could not be. It took a while till my husband arrived, when we met I started begging for forgiveness for having lost our daughter. People came to talk to us about the delivery, pushing us to regular delivery. I could not decide, but my husband said that in the case of normal delivery, we could leave the obstetric wards earlier. At that moment I would have preferred a c-section, for it was my first birth and I knew it could last a long time, which is even harder with a dead child. I gave all the responsibility to my husband, obviously I had already made a lot of bad decisions, for our baby was dead already. They induced labour medically, and painful contractions started within few hours. We were brought into the delivery room, fortunately there were no other women. Two young midwives cared the whole night, another doctor had to jump in twice, when my blood pressure dropped. That night, on October 18th 2017, at 2:48 am, our daughter Alicia was born. Her weight was only 1600g, much to small for 36 weeks, when I saw her I evaluated her maybe 32 weeks. She was huddled together, her skin colour already slightly purple, her limbs stiff .. she must have been dead already for some time, and I had not realized it. Great guilt started to weigh on my soul, and I wondered if I had the right to hold her now. But I asked for her and when I held my tiny dead daughter in my arms, I started to realize that she was already gone, only her body was still here. Her body seemed perfect, hand and feet, face, everything looked just like so many children I had already seen, only very thin. We had her in a small casket between us the whole night while we slept a few hours. I woke up, looking at her, and just wishing to escape and turn back the time. I got angry at myself, how could I let this happen to my child? I had never realized, that I could be such a bad mother, certainly not perfect, but to have killed my own child? In search for answers we gave Alicia to post mortem-examination, which said that it was placental insufficiency. We fled that morning from the obstretic wards, where evereyone else was nursing their newbornes. Everything looked unreal to me, the whole world outside seemed to be in a different angle. My parents told me that we would need to organize a funeral. 4 days ago I had bought diapers and baby shampoo, now I had to choose a coffin. Alicia was about a week away for post mortem examination, the distance felt great and I felt I had left her alone there somewhere, I had let her down again. I called everyday to ask fort he results and to get her back to me. My body hurt and bled, I felt weak and sick, I had disappointed the whole family. I hardly remeber the funeral. My parents in law dropped in, parents, siblings and few friends came to the funeral. There I was asked again to say goodbye to my only child.
I continued with my life, to support my husband and to spare my own mother the grief of losing a child. I have friends and colleagues who delivered their children healthy about the same time. I still ignore them. I have lost many friends and contacts, because they don’t seem to understand, that everything is different now. And I am hard on them in my harsh reactions to stupid questions like – how are you- . I had to find a new job, crying at the first interviews until I learned to hide my grief better. I am a pediatrician myself, and as I started working, looking at newborns was like walking over hot coals. My husband and I are still together, the sorrow has drawn us closer together. And we are expecting again, a young boy, is rumbling in my womb as I write this. I know how lucky I am to have him for now, it would be much worse without him. But everyday is like an emotional marathon, running between thankfulness and mere panic, as the delivery date comes nearer. I often mistake him for her.
This site has helped me a lot in understanding that there are other human beeings who have been through this. Many have put my feelings into words in moments, where I could not even slighlty understand what was going on with me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I don’t have much to give, I am just wishing everyone of us a short moment of peace today. May our children be fine, wherever they are.
Jana

Hi Jana, I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Alicia. I lost my daughter in February 2018 at three days old. It was also a shock for us...I had a normal pregnancy and my daughter was born at 37.5 weeks, but she had a rare heart defect that wasn’t diagnosed until after she was born.

I just wanted to say...you have not let your family down, you did not let Alicia down, and this was NOT your fault. You are obviously an extremely loving and kind mother who wanted the best for her baby. There are some things we cannot protect our babies from. It isn’t fair and it doesn’t make sense. But this isn’t your fault.

Again, I am so sorry for all the pain and sadness you’ve had to deal with. Your words reasonated with me as I thought about the feelings I have regarding my own daughter, and the terrible grief that followed her death. I’m sure there are a lot of crazy emotions as you prepare for your son’s arrival. Sending you strength and love, mama.

Hi Jana, thank you for your honesty and your bravery. So many emotions you mention are my own, your whole piece resonates. Your story is, like mine, one of intense sadness. I remain lost in grief, full of endless love for my beautiful daughter. It is months now, and we are still waiting for post mortem results to try and understand what actually happened. Life feels nightmarish.
I am hoping so much that you and your son will be OK. There was nothing more you could have done for your sweet daughter, although when I am told this, it does not penetrate the innermost core of me, who agonises that I could have done something more. That is simply just part of life now, the destructive guilt of feeling we have not protected our beloved child from forces beyond our control. But you, like I, love her and cherish her, and that is all we can do. Endless love, always. I hope one day we will be together again.
I am wishing and willing you hope for the future, and strength to bear the past.
April