Today is my third day back to work after the delivery of my stillborn son 9 weeks ago. Of course I was not ready to return to work. The guilt is back. I'm showing too many smiles and talking more than I have been. Talking about things other than my son. People have missed me and are excited I'm back. I feel guilt that I was anxious and slightly excited to get back into a normal routine and try to continue on with a normal life. Why do I want this? My life will never be normal again. My life has been changed forever. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my son. And I don't want my coworkers to forget about what happened to me. I want them to continue to pray for my broken heart and I'm scared that getting back to my "normal" routine will allow others to move on and forget.

Dear B. I can relate. This is my second week back and today is 10 weeks since I delivered my sweet and still boy. One of the books I am reading about grief gave me a gentle reminder that when there are moments of not feeling awful and even moments of happiness that I need to let them in and let them grow. We will never forget and will never be who we used to be. Honestly, I judge myself all the time. "Am I too okay?" but then it hits me like it always does and I'm leveled. I have appreciated some aspects of my work. I had a conversation with a student the other day and she didn't know about our baby loss so it was just a normal conversation about our discipline. It felt so good. I also had a meeting with a boss yesterday where I was on the verge of tears and admitted how overwhelmed I am and how I'm likely being influenced by pp hormones still. He cares for me and was able to hear my concerns. I think I need a balance of the two in order to keep moving forward. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you.

Hello B. You are not alone in your thoughts. I find small moments of happiness and fragments who I was before losing my son 5 hours after delivery. This was 16 weeks ago. I over talk some days at work because I feel like it's okay to do it and then I feel guilty for it so then I shut my office door to close off any exposure to anyone. I do start to think if people just think I'm over it and that I have forgotten about him? I honestly don't know what goes through people's minds who have never been in our shoes. I know too well that I could never forget him. He is on mind every day--every hour, every second. It's a battle everyday to try to relearn to live the way I once did. The moment I feel laughter I start to cry because I think there's something wrong with me. I shouldn't be laughing. The worse thing that could ever happen, happened. There is nothing happy about that. I also know I can't crawl in dark hole and never come out. Every day is truly a struggle! Thinking of you B!

Thank you for sharing,

I’m getting ready to go back to work and am so afraid of seeing everyone I used to work with and the looks of pity and curiousity, but I need a job and know it’s time to get a routine going. I have a tendency to try to make others feel comfortable with uncomfortable situations and I don’t want to do that, but I know that will fall into socializing and trying to be “normal”. I’m sure that is common, anyway thanks for giving me a glimpse into what the future weeks may hold.