Dear sweet baby Nina,

I can hardly believe it has been 2 years, to the day, since I lost you. At the anatomy scan at 19 weeks, we got the gut-wrenching news that you had a serious heart and serious kidney condition. You were already showing signs of heart failure and we were told there was a "basically zero" percent chance that you could survive on the outside world. After numerous scans and consultations with specialists, after five excruciating days feeling you continue to wiggle and kick inside me, we made the choice no parent should ever have to make- to end your little life. You may have continued to survive and grow in my womb for a while, but I just couldn't fathom delaying the inevitable. I was never going to get to bring you home.

Where we were, I was too far along for a surgical "termination" (I will always hate this word) which was okay, I had already decided to be induced and deliver you before I knew I didn't have a choice. I knew I had to see you and hold you. The whole process was so very sad. We had worked very hard to make you. After 3 years of infertility, we did IVF to conceive you. I bled and had terrible pain for the first 16 weeks of the pregnancy and thought on many occasions we were losing you. But you held in there, and I was finally starting to believe this was it, that I was finally going to be a mother. It seemed so unimaginable that this could happen too. Hadn't we already done our time? Hadn't we suffered enough?

You were born in the wee hours of the morning and I was very high on pain killers and beyond exhausted. The delivery process is what killed you and you came out still. I hope and pray you didn't feel a thing, my love. You looked tiny and perfect. Your beautiful little fingers, toes, and nose will be forever etched into my memory. I sure wish I hugged you longer. I wish I kissed your little head just one more time. But, I was so numb and so tired. I gave you back to the nurses after only about 30 minutes. Your dad was there for the whole process, but he couldn't bear to hold you. I sit here now holding the little blanket they brought you to me in and marvelling at the sweet little foot prints of yours that they made. I cherish these small momentos of your short existence so very much now.

I still miss you and think of you every day. The darkness and heaviness has lifted some, but there will always be a chunk of my heart missing.

I love you to the moon and back Nina.

Love,
Your mom

Sweet baby Nina, I'm so sorry you didn't get to live here with us but I'm grateful you have such a caring, loving mama. No matter how many kisses or hugs your mama gave you in that short time, they could never be enough to show how deeply she loves you, but please know that she did everything she possibly could to protect and care for you.

Amy- your letter to Nina is beautiful. A little over two years ago we made the same awful choice as well for our son, who also had a very serious condition. It was the most heart-wrenching and guilt and regret-inducing thing I have ever done. We know how much you love and miss your baby girl. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

xoxo

Amy,
I am sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, Nina. Your words to her are beautiful and I thank you for sharing them. It is plain to see you are a loving mother. Sending you Love,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful replies ladies. Abby, I am so sorry you had to go trough this too.

Xoxox