We had our anomaly scan today. Thankfully the baby is very healthy and no abnormalities were spotted. We did however find out that the baby that will hopefully be our rainbow is a girl. I did not think through how I would feel if my rainbow was a girl, not a boy, since our dear Riyad was a boy. I know the good part is that I can easily separate the two pregnancies between Riyad and his sister. But this really felt like a rude awakening that my son is gone, and perhaps my opportunity to raise a boy—like it was ripped away from me. I can’t really communicate this to my husband or people who have not lost children as I know it sounds selfish. I also know it sounds like I’m in some kind of denial, which I’m not. It just reminds me of our lost little boy and that life can be so cruel. I am trying to be as positive as possible because above all I am happy at the new chance to be mother to a living child, but I wish it was not under these horrible circumstances, and at least my son would have been alive to meet his baby sister.

Sorry, I thought I posted this in the pregnancy after loss section, please move this thread if possible.

Hi Nada - I think this is totally normal for us loss moms unfortunately. We don't know what the sex of our baby is yet (we're letting it be a surprise)- but I suspect I will have mixed feelings no matter how ends up. If it's another boy, I think there are some complicated feelings around separating the two and making sure it's clear to everyone else that one is not a replacement for the other. If it's a girl, I would feel the same as you do - anxious that my opportunity to have a son is gone. And, of course, I will have mixed feelings about having mixed feelings since I will know that, in the event it all works out, all I should really feel is grateful that I have a living (hopefully healthy) baby. It stinks, but you definitely aren't alone in feeling that way. I'm glad to hear the scan went well though and everything is looking good for now.

Gender is a very loaded topic.

We talked about it a while back, perhaps you might be interested in looking it up: http://glowinthewoods.squarespace.com/ttc-pregnancy-birth/post/2703478

For me, it was the opposite: I got the gender I wanted, the same as my little girl who died, and yet there was quite an aftershock to receiving the news. I think it's mainly because it makes this baby real in a way, and then we start thinking about everything we lost, gender of the previous child included. In my case, I grieved that being my little girl will no longer be something unique to the one we will never get to raise.

Agree with all of the above. Our rainbow is a boy after losing our daughter... I admit, I was sad when we found out. As the pregnancy progressed, I became more excited about having a son. Now that he is here- he is his own person and I talk to him about his big sister and gender doesn’t seem to mean anything... it’s strange. I will say that throughout my pregnancy with him, it was devastating to hear of friends/family being pregnant with little girls and it still saddens me to see tiny girl clothing/toys/etc. I’m not sure that having another girl would have helped that though? With everything... it’s complicated.

What you are feeling is normal. I am pregnant with a girl after losing our son and felt the same as you. It is better now and while I have separated them in some ways, in other ways they are tied together. They have the same due date, same problems I had in my pregnancy with Asher I am also having with Adina. It has been a bittersweet journey so far but hope for a better outcome this time. Hang in there, you have plenty of time to process this.

So I read this thread before I found out the gender and though I related I was shocked at how real it became when I found out my baby is a girl after losing a boy. Like I feel like I lost my son all over again. I'm fighting depression though I was normal prior to knowing. Its a whole new world to me and there's so much adjusting to do I'm overwhelmed. No one around can understand this. And it's been harder connecting with this baby since finding out it's a girl. I wonder how I will feel when she comes if my disappointment will affect our relationship.. 😭😭😭

I just wanted to say that I understand. I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant and am getting increasingly worried about the 20 week scan where we will find out the gender. I have a living daughter and we lost our son last year (stillborn at full term). I'm worried that I'll be crushed if it's a girl. I feel such guilt towards this new baby, surely I should just be grateful to be pregnant. Worrying about gender seems so trivial compared to everything else that could go wrong. I'm also worried that a close friend who is also pregnant will have a boy (they have a daughter already). Feel like such a terrible person!