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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Everyone else’s happiness

I am so bothered by everyone else’s happiness lately. My cousin, smiling in pictures with her brand new baby at a restaurant. The pregnant stranger who laughs happily while her little girl touches her big belly. The husband and wife who cheerfully push a stroller in the neighborhood.

I have a stroller, too. It’s been tucked away in our basement, never having been used. It’s right in front of the boxes of diapers that were never needed. Our daughter never came home. We went to the hospital, expecting to have a healthy baby...we returned home four days later with an untouched car seat. Her “going home” outfit was still neatly folded in the hospital bag.

When other moms want to see their children, they walk into the next room for a cuddle or a kiss. When I want to see my only child, I have to drive to the graveyard.

I used to be the type of person who found joy in the happiness of others. Lately, I have only found anger, jealousy, bitterness. I caught myself whispering “I hate you” when I saw a woman about my age out and about with her baby girl the other day. I confided in a close friend how I’ve been feeling, and she said “It’s ok to feel hateful right now.”

Is it ok? Can anyone relate? I spent nine months of my life pregnant, gearing up for motherhood...and now I don’t know if I will ever even have a living child. Feeling lost...
May 24, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterM’s mama
I’m so sorry you’re going through this M’a mama

One of the best pieces of advice I received is probably relevant here. It is, “what would you say to a friend if they said X to you?” It’s just about self-compassion, and being gentle to yourself. There is no right or wrong. Just a crappy space none of us wish we were in, and we do whatever we need to to get through xx
May 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterS
Anger is normal. Anger is good. It means you are emerging from that stage where you're just stunned and numb, and are beginning to assess the real impact this has on your life. And the impact is huge, and other people living their life as normal is a trigger. What you've been through is very likely a senselessly tragic event, not something directly caused by someone. If that were the case, you would feel angry at that person. Since it's not, your anger is free-floating and can attach to anybody. As long as you keep in mind that the anger is partly irrational, as long as you don't lash out at others, I think it's not wrong to feel it.
May 25, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterAna
its healthy and normal to feel angry. how could you not? how could any thinking feeling human not feel anger at all of the things you described? I felt angry reading what you had to go thru, angry for you! and I've been thru the same exact thing, and I still am angry at what happened in my own life.

but anger is one of those emotions that make other people feel uncomfortable, though, so there is a lot of prejudice against it. but that doesn't mean anything- you need to feel that anger! it is a part of the grief process. the long road of grief. lifelong. anger comes and goes along it. people might think "the anger is doing them no good- they need to move on and not let the anger take over...". but that's nonsense. that's just a sentiment based on someone being uncomfortable or sad for you and have no idea how to actually express it.

I loved reading that you said outloud "I hate you"... I said that so much over the years! I was so angry at pregnant women, new babies, children in general... diapers, strollers, cribs. totally triggered immediate hatred. I was so envious, and angry, and it was totally fine to feel that way. it didn't consume me- it was a healthy emotional reaction and it passed like any other feeling. I didn't particularly like feeling that way, so I avoided pregnant ladies, baby showers, baby departments in stores, strollers coming my way on a sidewalk. too painful, got me mad, so I just avoided and tried my best to cope with the fact that my baby was dead and buried in a cemetery.

early on, I gave myself permission to feel pissed off, and to remove myself from situations where I was going to be faced with all that I had lost. I needed a lot of space and time to grieve, and when I felt that "I hate you" coming on, or "jerk", or "give me a break you stupid happy people...", at some point it almost made me laugh at the absurdity of it all. its ok to feel angry. seriously, how could you not. I am angry for you, and with you.

its not like you are a vindictive bitch bent on destruction or self-destruction... its just triggers and loss and deep, deep grieving. no one's getting hurt- that already happened- you got hurt and your daughter got ripped off of her life. its ok to be mad about it. the thing is, when you are grieving and going thru the process and keeping the emotions in a balance, no matter how sucky it feels, eventually the erratic waves of these more wicked emotions calm themselves. I saw a counselor and was able to make sure I was within the realm of normal in my feelings- and yes, I was... I imagine you are also, but it feels wrong because, like you wrote, who goes around hating on people, just 'cuz they have a baby? it feels wrong, but its not... what's wrong is having to go through the experience of having your daughter die and then having to live beyond that. its so unfair. this was why I quickly made claim to my anger. I was going to swear and be pissed and be sullen and ruminate and miss her as much as I goddam needed to... who is to tell you that you are doing this wrong? and remember, don't tell yourself that either- don't judge yourself harshly. feel the hate, then move on thru it. walk, have tea, have a drink, watch tv, read, fall asleep- it will pass.

I think the worst was that for some reason, other people thought that these "happy" things would make ME feel happy, so there was a never ending offering of happy news and encouraging stories of hope, etc... but it just had the opposite affect- hope made me angry. cute babies made me enraged. deep breaths, and the anger would turn to tears. the tears stopped and morphed into a low level depression. the depression faded and I caught a breath again. all the while, happy and hope continued to be a negative. what can you do? everyone is different. some mothers who have lost their baby, they have a totally different experience- they actually like holding babies and they like reading about pregnancy news and birth stuff and who knows what else, and that is ok too- we are all different, but when I myself read of another mom who is having the hate and anger experience, I always want to support it- because it really is ok t feel that way. I went to the hospital just like you did, 13 years ago, and the same damned thing happened. the empty car seat on the ride home. the neatly folded baby clothes, all of it. I am so sorry that you have gone thru this.
May 25, 2018 | Unregistered Commenterss
If I had a nickel for every woman I mentally told to F*** off......
For me, I didn't and sometimes still don't have the mental and emotional wherewithal to talk myself into joy for someone else because it means fully confronting my own pain and I might just need to get (insert mundane daily task here) done. So I let myself off the hook and a secretive f*** off is freeing.
M's mama, I'm so sorry you know this pain, and nothing will ever make it right, but you don't have to face down every single demon every single day - sometimes you get to dismiss them with an "I hate you". Hugs to you.
May 26, 2018 | Unregistered CommenterJ