I'm not sure I'm supposed to say this, but I regret my medical termination. Our son had low odds of surviving, so we ended the pregnancy. He was born 1 year and 50 weeks ago, and as I approach his two year birthday, I just know deep down that he would have made it. He would have been one of those miracle babies: a few months in the hospital, dialysis, lungs developing better than expected. I wish I could rewind the clock and undo the termination. And I am sick of trying to convince myself it was the "right" thing to do. I hate that I was faced with this shitty decision; and I hate even more that I made it the wrong way. What do I do? Will I ever get "peace" again? Living like this is hell.

Oh Abby, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I haven't been through what you have been through but I imagine this is a normal way to feel. It is so hard because you will never know what the outcome would have been. It was a horrible decision that you had to make and you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had. I hope you can find some peace.

I’m so sorry Abby - I wish I knew what to say to help ease your pain.

We were faced with a similar situation this January. It was the most difficult decision of our lives. Even though the diagnosis was grim - we looked for hope - just one more ultrasound- just one more opinion. She was so wanted - so loved - how could this possible? In the end we had to make the best decision we could. Not everyone understands but the decision to end the pregnancy came from a place of love - knowing we would have to carry the burden of ending her life and saying goodbye for the rest our lives. But I would rather carry this burden than to have had our little girl live a life full of suffering and pain. Maybe she could have been a miracle - it’s a thought that will haunt me forever.

Some days the burden feels overwhelming and the only thing that provides any comfort is begging for forgiveness. Some days I can feel my daughter’s love and know she is safe.

Abby, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. It is such a difficult position, with all the unknown aspects. However, I really agree with what Grey wrote above about it being easier to carry the grief and the burden of the decision than the burden of seeing your child suffer on a daily basis.
Sending you all a virtual hug...

Abby, I am so sorry. I don't think there is ever a right or a wrong to these kinds of decisions. And no matter what decision a parent makes, I think there must be regret and guilt. Like many people who commented, my husband and I had to make a similar decision when our son was a week old. He was born preterm and suffered severe brain bleeds while in the NICU. We were offered "comfort care" which essentially meant taking him off the ventilator but keeping him as comfortable as possible while he dies. It was a painful and heartbreaking decision, and over a year later, I often have times when I think that he would have been the miracle baby, and the guilt and regret is overwhelming. Still, there are days, I believe we did the right thing. He would not have been able to walk or talk or perhaps even swallow. He might have been blind and deaf. And he would have had to have multiple shunts in his brain and would have gone through a lot of pain and suffering. Doctors did not think he would have lived long. I think you made the best decision you could for your child, and I hope that you will find some peace. Grey says it well - the grief and regret is easier than watching a child suffer.

Thanks for all the replies. I do keep trying to remind myself that watching him suffer would have been even more horrible. I just sometimes get so angry that I was put in this position. Today is Luke’s two year birthday. I miss him so much and I am just so haunted by the what if he could be here. Love to all of you. Xoxo