I just got out of the hospital following complications from my medical termination of our son, Paris, 3 weeks ago.
They described it to me like this: when an elephant baby is stillborn the mother will kick her baby in an attempt to get him to move. My body, not having realized I was no longer pregnant, was giving all my resources “to Paris” not realizing that he was already gone, essentially “kicking” him in an attempt to get him to move and as a result was taxing my organs.
I’m home now, complete with tubes and wires which I’ll keep for the next month or so as I continue to receive treatment.
I feel the same as I did in those first days after the surgery. At the hospital they reset my body, letting it know that I was no longer pregnant. There is nothing left to try and save. And now my body feels the grief so much it hurts.
I feel absolutely broken, gutted open.
In the days after Paris I believed in God. I felt like I had to. But now I’m not so sure. What kind of God would let this happen? What kind of God would allow us to get pregnant after being told it was next to impossible, then ask us to kill our child lest we both die?
I don’t know if there are answers and that feels like a small, dark room.
This whole ordeal was about survival and keeping me alive but I don’t want this life.
All I can really do is lay in bed and play mindless phone games. I can’t talk to anyone, can’t clean myself or care for myself independently with these tubes in place. And I wish this pain would be over. The physical pain, the emotional pain, the agony of living life without my child who died because I consented to a surgery that would save my life.
If there is a God he must be cruel.
I wonder a million times a day if I did the right thing. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe Paris could have been our miracle baby but I signed the form for the d&c. Maybe he wouldn’t have been born sick. Maybe I would have survived.
I hate God. I hate my failing body. I hate this. I hate that my baby died before he even got a chance to live. I hate that for the whole time he lived we knew he was going to die and were planning for his death.
I don’t know how to live with this.

I am so sorry. I don’t know how I can compare it to anything else as I have not experienced it, but it does feel like it’s own unique torture to have to decide how and when to terminate your child’s life. I felt a lot of shame and questioned it all. I didn’t terminate when they told me my baby was sick, but the doctors didn’t tell me I was at risk and it was a religious hospital furthering guilt and expectation. Looking back I believe I was at risk too. Do you want to talk about what happened? What I have told myself often is that I did the best with the information I had at the time. There is nothing you can do but love who your child was to you and eventually forgive yourself for not being able to fix it. It’s a horrible thing to go through. I lost my religion too because I do not believe there was a plan. It was all bad luck. I am so sorry you are in such physical and emotional and mental pain over losing your Paris.

Im so sorry for what you had to go through and what you are going to continue to go through. This world we live in can be so cruel and fucked up and unfortunately you and many moms have got caught up in its tornado. You will never get your baby back, you have all the right to feel all the anger and hate and question everything about life. But I will be thinking of you, that you will find the strength to put yourself back together to be the woman you need to be to survive this.

Hi Alisha- Our story is different from yours, but we had a medical termination almost two years ago. They told me our baby would very likely die, and in order to maybe not die, he needed so much medical intervention that many of our doctors questioned the ethics of it all. Someone told me this the other day... just because we can intervene, doesn't mean we necessarily should. We only have so much control over outcomes, and pushing you and your baby to the brink of survival isn't necessarily the best thing to do just because you CAN do it.

I am not sure if I believe in God. I'm not sure I ever really believed that there is someone making decisions up there over what happens to any of us. It's scary to think that we are all just sitting ducks, but I kind of think that's what we are.

The first few months are hell, and I don't think there is any way around it. IT WILL GET BETTER. You just need to wait it out, and re-learn how to live in this world.

xoxo