We just left the hospital after delivering my son and I don’t know how to exist in the world. In the hospital everyone was kind and acknowledged our loss and said his name. They sent us home with an armful of resources and a book and a teddy bear and the number of a therapist.
For the 2 weeks we were there I wasn’t on social media. I got to hide out in the bubble of my baby died.
Is there a way to block photos on Facebook of other people’s babies? I want to scream every time I see a picture of a newborn or a pregnancy or one of those motherhood is hard quotes. Guess what, I would take your hard motherhood if my child was still alive.
I had a dream he wasn’t dead. That he hadn’t been sick and I hadn’t been sick and we could have saved him and I got to be pregnant and happy.
Part of me wants to be normal again. To look at Facebook without wanting to scream. To be able to go back to work. To not have these surgery scars from the surgery that killed my child. I want to get rid of anything that reminds me of Paris and pretend it never happened. But I can’t. I can’t pretend he wasn’t real and I don’t know how to live in a world where he doesn’t.
Right now I find myself just wishing for more time. He could still have died if I’d had more time to be pregnant and feel him inside me. I’d be more ok with death if I’d gotten to hold him. If i’d seen him and had photos of him and kissed him.
I just wanted more time. I feel like everyone says that but it’s true. It happened too fast. I just wanted to have him longer.
How do I exist in a world where my baby doesn’t?

Alisha, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Can I ask his name? And how far out are you from his birth?

At first it's so hard to imagine how you will go on in a world without your baby. It's almost impossible to consider that you will feel joyful again. That there will be happiness in the future and that life will be less painful and difficult. I'm six years out from losing Shelby and I still remember very clearly what the early days, months and years were like.

I'm so sorry you didn't have the chance to see your baby, to kiss him, hold him and take photos of him. When you say part of you wants to pretend it never happened I remember that feeling too. I remember thinking "If I could take it all away, never have experienced any of this- I would".

Everything you are feeling is normal. What happened to you is heartbreaking. It's just the hardest thing I think any mother has to go through. So please be kind to yourself. The only advice I have is to just take each minute as it comes. Feel whatever you need to feel and don't apologise for it. If something makes you smile- enjoy that moment. If you want to dissolve into a flood of tears, do it! I hope you have a support network that allows you to do these things.

What helped me get through the day to day in the early moments of this journey........ nature. The beach, the country, walks in the bush. Physical exercise- wearing myself out physically so sleep came a bit easier. Having my baby acknowledged in my home- her sunset name in the sand is framed on our wall, as is her birth certificate. Talking to select people about the birth experience- I was soooo particular about who I spoke to and only chose people I trusted to be supportive and not easily shaken. Therapy. I tried three different psychs before I found one that suited me and my journey.

I know the early part is all so overwhelming. But try to keep in the back of your mind that this feeling won't be forever. There are good days and bad days but eventually the good days will be greater and those bad days will be fewer and further between and easier to manage. This won't dictate your life- this isn't your whole story or who you are now. The loss of our babies is forever and that part doesn't go away but I promise that one day your heart will hurt a little less and the good parts of life will be easier to enjoy.

Until then, just keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it day by day. I'm sorry you are here but glad you found us. x

His name was Paris. We were in the hospital for 2 weeks knowing he would die and then the surgery that delivered him to save my life was on March 14. So it’s all very recent.
I keep feeling like I made him sick. I was sick too (life threateningly so) but I keep thinking I could have done something different. I could have just survived the sickness and then he could have survived it too and I would still be pregnant right now.
I know it would have killed him, that our choice to terminate saved him pain and suffering but I keep wondering. Do we really know without a doubt that he would have died? Maybe if we hadn’t terminated I could have just lived in the hospital for 9 months and be kept alive and then he could have lived? It sounds crazy even as I write it. It wasn’t an option.
Paris was sick and he was going to die and if we hadn’t chosen to terminate when we did it would have killed both of us.
I was barely out of my first trimester. And with how small he was and what the sickness did to his body the doctors told us there was
Nothing to see. There was no way they could have delivered him and still saved my life that would have left us with anything more than parts and that’s not my baby. I would rather remember him while and growing inside me. It’s just hard. I wish he could have been bigger. I wish he hadn’t had to be delivered quite so traumatically and we could have seen a body. I wish the sickness that was in him left something to be seen that we would have recognized as a person.

Alisha, I love his name, "Paris". I'm sorry I didn't realise when you said it in your first post I thought you meant the city- that you lived there. What a beautiful name.

I'm so sad for you that seeing him wasn't an option but it sounds like the doctors gave you advice that they thought would save you further trauma. Have you thought about a way to say goodbye to Paris? A memorial service or symbolic gesture? Something to have in your home that is dedicated to him? A donation made in his name? Is there anything you would like to do that would help acknowledge his existence ?

I also had a medical termination. Shelby was 20 weeks when we were given a fatal diagnosis for her...... I had to labour and birth naturally and I was able to have photos with her but much of what you said was how I felt too. It was my fault, my body failed her, maybe the doctors were wrong and everything would be fine........ in the end I know I made a decision that saved her any suffering. And I can tell from your message you did the same. We love our babies beyond measure and every decision we make is for their benefit despite how heartbreaking it is for us.

You are only a week into this journey., so new so overwhelming and so raw. Hormones and emotions are running wild so just try to get through each day. AT first, if you can, just rest. And when you feel ready set little goals for yourself (a walk, a gym session, whatever you can deal with) and I promise eventually you'll start feeling less like you do now. Have you got a therapist or psychologist you are comfortable with? Do you have people in your life who are helpful and supportive? Thinking of you x