My sister is 5 months pregnant and found out she’s having a boy. Major daggers to my heart.

He will be the first living grandchild, replacing my dead son in pretty much everyone’s eyes. My sister was extremely jealous of me while I was pregnant (because she is just a really jealous, insecure person and has been all her life). It was toxic. She would tell my other sister fucked up things, like how if I were to have a boy, then “god hates her,” and if I had a boy she would “make him gay,” and other stupid things that didn’t make sense.

And then I was pregnant with a boy, and he died at the end. And a little over a year later, she is where I was last year, but with a healthy pregnancy. She feels “guilty,” and texted me saying how she loves me and they found out she’s Having a boy and she “hopes I support her” and she really cares about me and blah blah. I told her I don’t care but I just don’t want my son’s memory to be forgotten. I didn’t even read her follow up message because I know she’s going to somehow make it ALL about her, which is what she ALWAYS does about literally everything, even my own grief.

My mom tried calling me at night, too, and I ignored it. She’s probably checking on me but is going to end up saying something really stupid and ignorant that’s going to just piss me off. Not feeling anyone’s stupid platitudes. Even my little sister said something like “everything is going to end up okay.” That sounds a little bit better than everyone else’s garbage, but I wanted to laugh at her, too.

I’m doing perfectly okay, circumstances and all. But no, sometimes life just goes horribly wrong, sometimes shitty things happen to the most undeserving people, and things aren’t “okay,” and we have to deal with the mess and accept it into our lives and learn how to do this in the least damaging way possible. I’ve had a pretty horrific year and, although I want to act like this doesn’t hurt me, it really does. We’re a small, close knit family that has a business together, so we see each other constantly. I was excited to be an aunt, but it’s gonna really suck when her son is around.

I am so sorry Nada. I have pulled away from my family and in laws for how they have treated me after my son's death. I hold my breath when my friends are pregnant and feel relief when I find out they are having a girl. Everything you are feeling is normal. My nephew was born a year after my son and was born while my son was alive. I had no problem being around my nephew until he became the age my son was when he died. Maybe some time after your nephew is born it won't be as hard as right now.

hi nada,
I just wanted to tell you that I hear you! I had a very similar situation, just a few details changed, but I really understand exactly how you are feeling. I couldn't talk to my sister for years. couldn't see her son. its still very hard, nearly 10 years on. its different for everyone, obviously, who knows how your own family dynamics will play out, but I just wanted to totally support you in how you feel and the things that you wrote-

"sometimes life just goes horribly wrong, sometimes shitty things happen to the most undeserving people, and things aren’t “okay,” and we have to deal with the mess and accept it into our lives and learn how to do this in the least damaging way possible"

amen. nada.

one of the worst temptations was to make ME the bad guy in the situation. it was so hard for my family to accept that I was not budging on my feelings. when pressed (and I mean, who the fuck presses a bereaved parent?!!), I plainly said "look. when YOU bury your baby, you can come to me and tell me how you think I should act.". I totally stood by my feelings of not wanting to see her or her baby- it was WAY too painful, so much anger and resentment towards the universe and the stupidity of the situation. it made for some very tense standoffs with my family. I opted out of a lot of family gatherings. oh well I protected my need to grieve in the best way for me. sometimes, its just not pretty or easy. and like I said, even though I was OK with myself keeping distance and my boundaries, it was really hard knowing that I was somehow the bad guy.

it doesn't sound like you have much choice in seeing or interacting with your pregnant sister and eventually her son... but I still feel like you are completely justified in setting boundaries for yourself. tell them you don't need their judgement, you need their hugs and support.

much love to you. I can feel the pain you are feeling. xo

Just wanted so say that I hear you and your pain. It is real and valid. Sending you hugs

I’m so sorry. It sounds like she had a slight awakening into her own character, but it’s not up to you to make her feel better about herself. Not your job. I’ve been walking a similar road in the past few years with family members and subsequent pregnancies. One thing I recently realized is that once past the stage where my daughter died, it gets easier. Easy- no. But once that 0-6 month stage is over, it hurts less. I see the child as theirs and I don’t want their child. It’s like my daughter is frozen in time and I don’t see my baby in theirs. Even though the family goes crazy over this new baby (which is so fucking painful), your child is still very much alive in you, and more special and real than your nephew will ever be to your heart; eventually I felt like it was okay to be around my nieces and nephews because they just weren’t her. I don’t even know if this makes sense. But I find the pregnancy announcement, pregnancy, and 0-6 month stage unbearably triggering, and then something slowly shifts into bearable. Maybe this will happen for you. I also wanted to say I understand feeling judgement from the family on how you cope with everything. I always think not only do we have to grieve we have to also do it in some well-rounded, acceptable way. We don’t; but we do if we want to be left the fuck alone. I wish you could have the space you need.

Nada,

I am so sorry you have to go through this. It's really awful that you have to deal with this. I experienced something similar with my sister in law. I was told about her pregnancy in an insensitive way and lashed out. I too was made the bad guy and my grief was attacked. The whole thing caused a big riff in the family and even more pain. I wished I had handled it differently but it's so hard to give some fake "I'm so happy for you" ( which I was) when the overwhelming emotion was pain that I lost my baby, pain that I'm having secondary infertility and subsequent miscarriages. Just a lot of sadness.

One thing I've learned is that sometimes the people you think will support you can't because they are just too self absorbed. This is maybe your sister and is for sure my sister in law. She hasn't been through what you have and won't get it ( even though they think they can). In my situation, I wished I'd given the only happy response and not been vulnerable and open as it was then used against me. I wish I had said from the beginning what my boundaries were ( like please don't tell me details of things unless I ask and be patient with me with seeing the baby). I should have saved my uglier emotions for group.

It's all so hard to bear when others get what you so closely came to having. Your feelings are totally normal. Thank you for sharing hat you are really feeling. It's harder when you can't distance yourself from it. I wish you peace and insight.

Boys everywhere. Six pregnancies/births since I lost my baby, and five are boys. Two friends I grew up with announced pregnancies due six months after Luke was. Both boys. Every time this happens I feel like the universe is reveling in my pain.

And yes many people find a way to make it about them. Either they are in a good place in their life and can’t deal with our pain; or they are in a bad place in their life and can’t deal with our pain. I’m sorry it’s your sister though... makes it difficult to just cut out.

Xo

Elaina- just read your comment and I have had the exact same experience. Even once I meet the baby... I look at him and say no that’s not Luke (obviously... but something shifts after the baby starts looking different). Just wanted to echo that maybe yes it will get easier once the image of what you lost gets further from what the other person has.

Yes, Abby. Totally. You don’t love their baby. You don’t find your heart in what they have. Your heart is gone. The idea of it- a squirming, breathing, sucking, content, teeny tiny newborn baby (and the blissful new mother stage) is sooo what I want that the jealousy is palpable and I have real physical responses (extreme anger, jealousy). That’s what I wanted that I didn’t get. But the afterwards, when the baby takes shape as theirs, as he/she grows, I don’t want them. I wanted what was mine, and I don’t want their snotty-nosed baby/toddler. It probably sounds mean, but I am over it at that point. I find pregnancy, anticipation of birth, and birth and newborn stage unbearable, though.

I am so sorry, Nada. that sucks. My sister gave birth two months after our son died and it sucked, really, because of how insensitive my family was about our loss as they welcomed the new baby into the family. My mom asked me that Christmas if I thought my sister would like the remote control car for her older child or do I think it would scare the baby? (uh, gee mom, my baby died so. . . not sure really.) The Christmas letter my mom sent out to everyone said God had blessed my sister with a healthy baby girl, the baby's name and stats etc. It briefly mentioned I had a full-term boy who died three days after birth. It didn't even include his name. No mention of God in that part of the letter.
Love and Hugs.