My husband and I live to travel. We love exploring unknown places and cultures together. In 2012 we decided to splurge on a big trip before we started trying for a family. Our ttc journey began in Peru on this big trip. Staring at mountains outside our hotel window, we discussed the possibility of conceiving while in Peru with so much hope. Since Peru, we have been to the Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Thailand, and Africa. Since Peru, we have suffered four pregnancy losses; 3 early miscarriages and a 20 week loss due to early onset severe HELLP syndrome. Last week, my fifth pregnancy ended with a loss greater than we ever imagined.

I truly never thought I would have to go through anything harder than our 20 week loss last year. Once I had finally made it past the dreaded 12 week mark after suffering three miscarriages in a row we were so hopeful for a better outcome. At my 20 week anatomy ultrasound the techs were silent and that is when I knew it was somehow all over. Two days later I was in the ICU dangerously ill with HELLP syndrome facing the end of that pregnancy. After some difficult months, we started to plan out a trip to Africa, our ultimate dream destination. We had experienced a monumental loss and felt that we deserved this dream trip. Tanzania truly was an incredible experience but it could not fill the hole in our lives that had yet to be filled by a child.

Shortly after our return from Africa, I found out I was pregnant in our first month of trying again. My husband told me that it was meant to be and that this was our “Africa baby". We saw the place we dreamed about more than anywhere else so maybe we were finally going to get the family that we dreamed about as well. I was so anxious leading up to the 20 week scan but luckily we had a much more typical anatomy ultrasound this time. Unfortunately at 28 weeks, everything changed for the worse with a diagnosis of superimposed preeclampsia. I spent the next month living in the hospital being closely monitored. Last week I had the best day of my life followed by the worst day of my life. We lost our Africa baby.

Eva was born at 32 weeks and she brought sunshine into our lives for two short days. The whole thing is still such a blur. The c-section was hurried in the middle of the night after my preeclampsia and blood pressures became dangerous. My husband and I were just settling into the idea that we were finally parents when we lost Eva. It was so shocking because she appeared to be thriving in the NICU. She was breathing on her own and had already started taking small amounts of breast milk. There were no signs of any problems but suddenly on her second night of life her heart rate dropped and never returned to normal.

Yesterday I wrote “Mother” in the box labeled “relationship to deceased” on a form at the funeral home. I realized it may be the only time I get to write that word not only for Eva but maybe anyone. My body has never had a healthy pregnancy and I can’t even fathom going through something like this again. It is so cruel to have to mourn my sweet daughter along with the possibility of ever having children at all but that’s what it feels like.

With each loss, my husband and I found that traveling helped us heal a little. It gave us a new adventure to look forward to and brought joy and good memories into our lives. This time is different. I can’t even imagine anything or any place helping to lift some of the pain I feel from losing her. I would trade all the trips and experiences we had traveling in a heartbeat if we could get more time with her. Instead of another year of asking ourselves “Where do we go now?” all we can ask is “How?”...

How could this happen to us?

How are we supposed to move through this sorrow and come out the other side able to move forward?

How can we continue to have hope for a family after so many failures?

I don't really know what to say or how to answer your questions. The only way is to keep going, get up each day and keep breathing. It is all so raw and painful but as you know the rawness will ease although the sadness and loss never goes away.
In the future maybe some sensitive and clever doctor can return hope to you and your husband. I will certainly keep hoping for you.
In the meantime know that we mourn your losses with you.
I am sending love and peace tonight to you, your husband, your beautiful Eva and your other little ones

AC, that's so brutally unfair that your Eva, your little Africa Baby, was only with you for such a short time here. When you're in the grips of such pain, it's a super-human effort just to work out how to breathe, get out of bed, survive. I'm sorry you find yourself here, after already suffering so much. I hope you can at least feel the company and warmth from all of the people here who understand at least a tiny bit what you're going through and will listen whenever you need.

Thank you KE and K West for listening to my story and sharing your kind words. I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this community. I have found great comfort in reading others stories of loss and coping here.

AC,

I am so sorry. This is when the universe just doesn’t make sense and anyone who tries to assign some sort of meaning to it all is just crazy. This is what I call bad luck. This is what I call parents who deserve to be parents to a living child and keep ending up on the horrible side of the odds with no rhyme or reason. You are sure to process many years of difficult emotions, as you already have. I hate that we have to do that and can’t live lightly again.

About “trying again”, the world will tell you to just keep trying. Like you’re stepping up to bat again. That’s not what this kind of loss is. You’re not being brave again or a coward, in whether or not you “try again”... you are following the limits of yourself, you are respecting yourself, physically and emotionally to say “not again.” I continue to struggle because like you I am fertile and cannot give up the idea but also don’t want to even think about another one. We chose to adopt, and while it is an entirely different way to become a family, and has its own difficulties, it is beautiful and amazing. For me, I needed a way to hope outside of traditional pregnancy and the only reason I bring it up is that it did provide a light for me during our lowest point of grief and provided some freedom from the responsibilities of “bearing” children. I don’t think adoption is a fix and neither is a healthy pregnancy. But I do believe in the hope for a brighter day with a different version of life than you planned.

Much love to you as you continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I have no words AC, only that my heart is breaking for you. I’m so so sorry this has happened to you.

AC, I’m so sorry. That’s so much, so much...sending you lots of love because there’s really nothing else. I don’t have answers to your questions. Is so soon after losing your Eva...big hugs mama. You’ll always be Eva, Africa baby and the others’ mama. Peace to you.

AC, you have been dealt such a cruel hand. I am so sorry. There is nothing I can say to ease your hurt. I just wanted to let you know that here is a place where you can write as a mother of your children as often as you want/need to. We will be there, we'll listen and share our stories with you. Hugs to you!

AC,

I am so very sorry Eva and your other littles are not here with you right now. This life is so unfair and cruel. We are all here with you and for you, sending lots of love/strength/peace to your broken heart.

AC, I am so deeply sorry for your losses. You sound like the most deserving parents, and what keeps getting stolen from you, your agonizing losses after renewed hope, are so unfair. I am thinking of you, your husband, dear little Eva, and your other little ones. Sending you love, peace, and the strength to handle this burden. We are all here for you. You are not alone <3

AC, I am so sorry for your devastating losses- this is unthinkable pain that is so unjust. As others have said, I too am here with you and holding you, your husband, and your special children in my heart. Sending you love, peace and warm thoughts. ❤️

AC,

My heart breaks for you. To lose your Africa baby, your sweet Eva, after all your other losses, so late, when everything should have worked out for you - it's beyond cruel. I am so sorry. Right now I know the pain is acute and it will be for some time. One thing that has been helpful for me is seeing a therapist who specializes in family planning. They can discuss alternate ways of bringing a living child to your family - whether it's adoption or surrogacy. When you feel you can breathe this might be helpful.

I recently read a great book, and in my early days of loss reading others stories was comforting. The book "dead babies and seaside towns", was very relatable to me because I have been unable to have another baby since my daughter died. I do have one living son, so I know it's not the same. But I also have had two miscarriages since she died. The book describes this woman's journey to egg donation and surrogacy in an honest way. I am not trying to suggest any treatment for you, just something that shows you are not alone in repeated loss.

I am so sorry and wish you some peace.

Thank you all for reading my story and being so caring.

Erin
Thank you for sharing your story of hope through adoption.

Kim
Thank you. Reading others experiences with loss both here and in books has been helping me over the last few weeks. I will check out the book.

Dear Kim!
I will surely read the book you recommend.
I have heard many stories about surrogacy. Unfortunately, it is very sad that mothers cannot bear their child on their own. I also went through this - in 2014 I had a miscarriage. I was pregnant for 20 weeks when I was told that his heart was not beating ...
Ever since I have never been able to get pregnant myself.
We were helped in one clinic, their doctors found us a surrogate mother. Now we are waiting for the birth of our first child. Here they helped us: https://ivf-international.com/service/surrogacy
I wish you strength and patience! God bless you all!