Before I get into my post, I want to say that although I don't post here very much, what a comfort just reading this forum has been in the 5 months since I lost my daughter at 38 weeks....

My close friend and I were pregnant with our first children at almost exactly the same time. They were born just a week apart, and it was a happy experience going through pregnancy with her. We have seen them 3 or 4 times since we lost our baby, which didn't feel odd -- things are busy, my husband and I have been less social, etc. We saw them about a month ago and I suspected she was pregnant but she said nothing. We're scheduled to get together tomorrow and she sent me a text to let me know that she is pregnant and due in March.

It was a terrible trigger for me with a lot of layers, not all of which I completely understand. Firstly, I feel like a pariah that she waited this long to say anything, like this specter of tragic terrible luck no one wants touching their lives. And then of course, the part I can't quite articulate, the sadness, the envy over the peaceful pregnancy and eventual baby. What do you do? I don't want to see them. I wish I was living in a parallel universe where I had my daughter and could be unequivocally happy for them. But I'm here in this universe, feeling shaky, not wanting to be a bad friend but not even wanting to look at her.

I was rereading my post and felt compelled to clarify something that I think was a little confusing -- I have one living child. My daughter who passed away would have been my second.

I understand completely what you are going through. I just lost my daughter 5weeks ago at 21 weeks. I have a friend that had her second living son is August and she is continually wanting to get together. Although I do want to see her, I just can’t handle the thought of her and her baby or talking about the baby. I think your friend would understand if you need more time before you see her, if you do at all.

We decided not to go. My husband sent them a text saying that we were really happy and excited for them but the news was triggering for me and I just didn't think I could pull it together to see them, sent apologies etc. We didn't hear anything back. I feel like a jerk for not being able to get myself in order... I don't want to allow my own grief to impinge on another's happiness but it is there and I couldn't tamp it down in this instance.

Stacy, I am so sorry for your loss. It's so frustrating to have to always say no. But I sometimes I also feel llike "hey friends of mom's who have lost a baby, why don't you do a quick Google search before you engage with them???" There are SO MANY blog posts and articles about how to best broach topics like that with "people like us".

Hey, I'm sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that I totally understand! I lost my son 4 months ago at 38 weeks. Since then several friends have had babies, which I've found difficult, but 2 days ago one of my closest friends had a baby and I've found it unbearable! The photos have made me cry and the thought of going to visit makes me feel physically ill. What an awful reaction to such a precious time in my friends life. I know what you mean about different layers: the reminder of the enormity of what we have lost, from warm newborn cuddles to everything after; the intense jealousy, the "why us"; and the worry that I'll never be able to share in others' baby- related happiness. It helps to write these feelings down as I'm afraid to say them out loud and for people to think I'm a monster! Look after yourself, I think it's OK to put yourself first in this instance xx

Hey guys. First of all I just wanted to say sorry for all your losses and secondly I want to say thank you. I find comfort in reading the above comments as I now know I'm not the only one with these thoughts on my mind. 6 months ago I lost my son shortly after birth (he was born 2 months premature). A close family member of mine was pregnant at the same time and she gave birth days after me. She also had a son. I'm so very happy for her that he was born healthy as she conceived through IVF after 12 long years trying, however my happiness for her does not wash away my pain. She and her partner have asked me several times to meet up, come round etc. But I couldn't find it in me for so long. I didn't want to see them, it was bad enough seeing the Facebook statuses, pictures online etc. Why would I want it right in front of me.
Part of me felt like a bad friend but another part of me just wishes they would be more sensitive and/ or considerate. The last thing anyone wants in this position is to feel pressured.

Situate, I feel that your husband's reply was perfect and honest - the way a friendship should be - and if your friends have any empathy they will understand. Please try not to worry, you have enough going on x