for one and all > Relationships after loss
Also, the audio of this episode of Dear Sugars at the top of the article is incredible-- lots of other topics around child loss expressed.
Would love to discuss here.
Would love to discuss here.
November 14, 2017 |
Steph M.
Steph M.
Steph - Thanks for posting this. I haven't had a chance to listen to the podcast yet, but I liked the article. I have found the way relationships have changed to be one of the most challenging aspects of this life post-loss. One of the first panicked thoughts that went through my head when the doctor told us there was no heartbeat in the triage room was "am I going to lose him too? are we going to be too broken to stay together?" I think one thing I'm grateful for (if you can be grateful for something that comes out of the worst thing) is how close we have been post-loss, how much we appreciate each other and rely on each other, and how strong I know our relationship is - though like you say, there have been moments of fear and isolation and I can see how two people processing differently can so quickly find themselves spinning away and hard to reconnect.
I particularly see it in the context of my other very close relationships that have changed more for the worse and that I can't seem to figure out how to heal. I no longer talk to my best friend very much (she sent one too many messages pointing out that she understands how hard it would be for me to talk to her because of everything she has that I didn't right now), and I don't talk to my mother anywhere near as much anymore (she just felt so sad for me and looked at me with such sad, worried eyes that I found it suffocating). I keep feeling guilty for being distant with them but at the same time, even though I've resumed so many other parts of my former life, I can't seem to figure out how to resume that closeness - even though they really aren't doing the things that were driving me nuts before and I know both of those came from a good place.
I'll be back when I've read the podcast.
I particularly see it in the context of my other very close relationships that have changed more for the worse and that I can't seem to figure out how to heal. I no longer talk to my best friend very much (she sent one too many messages pointing out that she understands how hard it would be for me to talk to her because of everything she has that I didn't right now), and I don't talk to my mother anywhere near as much anymore (she just felt so sad for me and looked at me with such sad, worried eyes that I found it suffocating). I keep feeling guilty for being distant with them but at the same time, even though I've resumed so many other parts of my former life, I can't seem to figure out how to resume that closeness - even though they really aren't doing the things that were driving me nuts before and I know both of those came from a good place.
I'll be back when I've read the podcast.
November 15, 2017 |
SR
SR
Hi There,
Not sure if I've missed the boat with this thread as it began last year, but I'm interested in joining this discussion.
I am 7 years into my babyloss, and I found that it eventually impacted on all my relationships. I think out of all of it, this is the part of the loss I've found hardest to manage and come to terms with. I was aware of very poor statistics when it came to intimate partners surviving the grief and trauma of babyloss, and I also met those who eventually cracked under the strain of grief and unrealistic expectations of recovery.
Me and my partner decided to stick by each other no matter how rough it got. However, if I'm to be really honest about this, I have to admit that whilst some aspects of our relationship have definately grown and got stronger (i.e. our commitment, compasssion and being there for one another), there has been a loss of romantic innocence and natural feel good synergy, which seems to be an inevitable consequence of a traumatic experience of this nature. I personally found this new reality hard to adjust to, and feel it added another layer of grief to the situation that I wasn't prepared for. I've not really seen any couple's guidance that realistically and truthfully deals with this side of things very well, and for the most part feel we have had to figure this one out as we go along. What seems to have helped the most, particularly with trust, is trying not to judge or expect too much from each other in our deeply wounded states.
Without a doubt, babyloss leaves a deep wound and scar across the soul. I'm not sure if it has changed us, but rather revealed more hidden, deeper parts of our personalities. Whichever way, I find it a complicated and challenging process of acceptance all the same.
Mango x
Not sure if I've missed the boat with this thread as it began last year, but I'm interested in joining this discussion.
I am 7 years into my babyloss, and I found that it eventually impacted on all my relationships. I think out of all of it, this is the part of the loss I've found hardest to manage and come to terms with. I was aware of very poor statistics when it came to intimate partners surviving the grief and trauma of babyloss, and I also met those who eventually cracked under the strain of grief and unrealistic expectations of recovery.
Me and my partner decided to stick by each other no matter how rough it got. However, if I'm to be really honest about this, I have to admit that whilst some aspects of our relationship have definately grown and got stronger (i.e. our commitment, compasssion and being there for one another), there has been a loss of romantic innocence and natural feel good synergy, which seems to be an inevitable consequence of a traumatic experience of this nature. I personally found this new reality hard to adjust to, and feel it added another layer of grief to the situation that I wasn't prepared for. I've not really seen any couple's guidance that realistically and truthfully deals with this side of things very well, and for the most part feel we have had to figure this one out as we go along. What seems to have helped the most, particularly with trust, is trying not to judge or expect too much from each other in our deeply wounded states.
Without a doubt, babyloss leaves a deep wound and scar across the soul. I'm not sure if it has changed us, but rather revealed more hidden, deeper parts of our personalities. Whichever way, I find it a complicated and challenging process of acceptance all the same.
Mango x
April 13, 2018 |
Mango Mummy
Mango Mummy
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/14/style/losing-a-child.html?_r=0
I know that I have read many threads and discussions about the impact of baby and childloss on a couple's relationship. It is so complex. I am beyond lucky to have the partner I have and have mostly felt extremely close to him in this new post-loss life but there were definitely hard and intense moments of fear and isolation mixed in too, which we've had to work and talk through. I also have appreciated the support of our grief therapist who has been instrumental in my processing of all these emotions and waking up to who I am now on the other side of the loss of our son.