I am sure some of you watch this show. I was struck by what Rebecca said when she faced Randall’s realization that he was there because a baby had died. Interestingly, we adopted after losing our baby, so we are even more similar to this storyline. She told him he wasn’t an “instead of” and that “it was always supposed to be this way.”
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because I don’t believe in a plan. I just believe life happens to us, and we make choices when we can. That said I know I already do feel like our child now is supposed to be with us. I don’t want to discredit the baby who died or the baby who loved as anything less than what they deserve but life realistically doesn’t work that way.
I liked when she said “we thought it was an ending, but it was also a beginning.” I wanted to tell all of you starting out on the path of loss that even though you can’t see it every ending does have a rebirth of something too. Life is like that.
Anyway one day I will have to have a similar conversation and I am not sure how to handle it. How to not make plan b feel like plan b. How to not make plan a seem like a stepping stone.

Hazel, this is interesting because I often also use the phrase “plan B.” Probably because I read she sandberys book soon after my daughter died. More than once, I have wondered if I should stop saying This.. A time what point, will my rainbow daughter catch on? Think SHE was plan b? I wanted her, but I wanted her sister too. And ignore her sister was here, she wouldnt be. It is all so complex.

I love this show SO much. It touches lightly on baby loss, parenting after babyloss, and adoption. All these are so intertwined as different roads to take after loss. The scene between Randall and Rebecca hit me hard, too. We are ttc after loss and while it feels like betrayl to the memory of my son it also feels like we are on the verge of being given a beautiful gift <3

Hazel, it's so complex isn't it? Our brains just keep thinking and overthinking and going a million miles an hour.

I have two rainbow babies. But I've not had to have the conversation about whether we would have had them or not if Shelby had survived. In my mind, I don't think to myself "if Shelby didn't die I would never have had b & c" because I will ALWAYS want all my babies and I could never know what path my life would have taken if Shelby had survived.

I don't think it helps to dwell on "if I didn't lose Shelby I wouldn't have my rainbows" ........because I did lose Shelby. And I do have my rainbows. And I'm forever grateful for that. Maybe if/when your adopted child asks the question you can put it that way. It wasn't what you thought would happen but how happy you are to have this child in your life?

Just my thoughts, take care x