My baby died 13 months ago
This is my 10th month of trying for my second baby
It took six weeks to concieve my first baby
4th month on fertility medication too
25 plus babies have been born to friends and family since
I am going insane

Sorry I posted on the wrong board, I feel like this is actually the most depressed I have been, is that strange considering it's been over a year? I miss my baby, I can see her everywhere, my fantasy is a beautiful 13 month old Tilly here with me.

Ella, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. For me, those months just after the first anniversary of Nadia's death were the hardest. The support stopped, the hope I had that there is some silver lining just disappeared, and I was still missing her with great intensity. And my husband was back to normal, as if it was long ago over for him. I think of the months after as the most important ones though, where I started accepting I need to find other ways to integrate her throbbing absence into our lives.

I did not, however, have to cope with 25 other babies!! Oh my goodness. That must be a stab in the heart every time. And the difficulty conceiving with the background of all that grief is terrible.

But no, being in a bad state 13 months after is not at all unusual. Many people (mostly mothers) struggle for longer than that. I've read in a book written by a psychologist that 1-2 years of deep grief is common, and 3-4 years until life feels mostly normal again is also common. So hang in there, and don't hesitate to look into options for counselling if you think you need it.

Ella I'm so sorry. I see my would-be one year old everywhere still. But I'm the only one. Even the most supportive family forgot his due date this year. Just remember it can take a while to conceive, 1-2 years in many cases. I know it's tough when you are in the midst of it. We feel your pain.

Thank you Ana and Abby for your support, it was just what I needed.
Yep.. I would say a baby has been born every two weeks since, starting with the ones due when I was to almost all of our siblings and so many friends and extended family, all girls too mostly! It's very hard and while most are understanding of your agony and envy some are offended that your upset, even when you try to explain it they don't get it.
I have been talking to a bereavement councillor since Tilly died and a phycologist through work every few months but the week end was so bad that I went to community mental health. I know my mood is amplified by the fertility meds and when it doesn't work but I did scare myself with how low I was and my partner in was away. I feel much better this week and hoping I can find ways to cope next time.
I did read my post and think 'shit I started trying again 3 months after the exit procedure!!', definitely glad it didn't happen then as I was physically and emotionally screwed!!
Thank you for the support girls, I love glow even though I wish it didn't exist. Thinking about all of our beautiful babies tonight.

I am so sorry Ella that you lost your daughter. This experience of grief is a total roller coaster so first of all be kind to yourself and take a good care. But unfortunately I know so well that it's not easy to do when you get swept away by the grief feeling like you lose soil under your feet.
We lost our daughter 6 months ago and are trying to concieve for the last three months.
I guess the biggest take away from the last 6 months for me is that things just happen when they have to sometimes even without any reason. And the only way to deal with it is to simply enjoy every single moment of it and try to be grateful for everything you have. So many couples can't make it even having a living healthy baby and losing a child is much more violent for the well being of both partners. You made it through with yours, you're healthy, in love, taking care of each other. For some reasons you have been given some extra time to spend just together so may be you can enjoy doing some crazy shopping, going to a long travel and other things you might not be able to do once the little baby brother or sister of your angel daughter comes.
Sending you lots of love, may peace be in your heart.

Thanks Elise's mum, I really appreciate your response. You know I have thought that myself; we are healthy and inlove and should spend this extra time together with as much gratitude as we can, it's a cycle though isn't it because then you think well that's what we did for the last x amount of years, in our case 10 this year, and we were completely ready!!

You have a great attitude towards the tragedy you have been dealt, Elise would be very proud of her mummy. Xxx

Hi Ella,
I don't think it's strange, or mad that you feel how you do at this time.
I was just talking to a mum yesterday about how tough it felt in the months after the first year (it's approaching four for me now)
Some how the passing of all the 'firsts' hit me hard...
I think it was the shift from numb, to really feeling the extent of loss, that my loss is forever, the expectation from those around me that I should be 'ok' by now, move on somehow, and (though it feels strange to admit) in some ways I occasionally longed to still feel my grief in all its rawness, to still feel permitted to be an absolute wreck. If you see what I mean?

Adding to that, the grief mixed with trying to conceive, and being surrounded by SO many other babies... Never underestimate the emotional impact of any of these things Ella... It's ok to feel this way. I struggled so much, still do, with all the seemingly 'easy' pregnancies and births so many are blessed with.

Thinking of Tilly as I write, sending you love x

Z's Mum,

Thank you for your response. I see exactly what you mean in regards to longing to feel that raw grief, the fresh stuff. I worry about the future, this afternoon I thought about when she should be 6, just randomly 6, and how much it will still hurt yet it will have been 6 years since her existence.

Thank you beautiful Z's mum. X

Hi Ella,

I’ve been feeling much the same way you have lately. Our daughter Elodie died 8 months ago, and I knew of 9 others who had due dates around mine, and at least 3 others who were due within 3 months of her due date. What I have found helpful is I no longer go onto social media so I don’t have to see any new pregnancies/babies being born, or if I do go onto social media it’s to very specific places (mostly infant loss support groups or cat video pages :) ). Obviously, if people that you see often get pregnant and have babies, then avoiding social media isn’t really going to help.

There is a woman in my office that must have gotten pregnant right around when Elodie died, because her due date is almost 9 months to the day. Seeing that, and hearing people talk about it everyday, has been painful. The best way that I’ve found to deal with it is really just avoidance, if possible I leave the room when people start to gush about her upcoming due date. Also, I have a weighted teddy bear that’s Elodie’s weight, so I cuddle with that on bad days. Do you have one that’s Tilly’s weight? If you don’t, there’s an organization called Molly Bears that makes them specifically for pregnancy and infant loss, they ship all over the world, and are easy to find by googling.

Regarding dealing with infertility, we struggled with unexplained infertility before getting pregnant with Elodie. After a year of trying, then 6 months of fertility treatment, what finally worked for us was the first round of injections and an IUI. Fast forward to now, we’ve been trying again to conceive for 3 months, and this past month was our first round of injections and an IUI. I was convinced I was pregnant, hands down. Then on Monday I found out I wasn’t. I have never been more devastated by a negative pregnancy test in my life. Obviously the hormones I’ve had to take play a part in it, but it worked last time, so I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working this time. I pretty much broke down, and when I got back to work after my blood test I was handed a card asking to donate money to buy my coworker gifts for her baby due in a few weeks. I felt pretty awful and alone. Like, why is it so hard for us, and so easy for the rest of the world?? It seems like everyone else has babies coming out of their ears!

Something that might be beneficial to try along with your fertility treatments is acupuncture. Some acupuncturists specialize is treating infertility and tailor your treatments to whatever fertility regime your doctor has you on. I’ve been doing it for the past few months. Obviously I’m not pregnant yet, but I feel like it’s helping make my body healthier, and helping with the anxiety associated with infertility. If you can, you might give it a shot. When struggling with infertility I know we will try anything to get that positive pregnancy test.

Anyway, sorry that was so long. I really just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you, for sharing. It has helped me feel not so alone in all of this.

Hugs to you and Tilly :)