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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > My 9 month old died 2 weeks ago

Hello,
My beautiful baby girl died in her sleep 2.5 weeks ago. She was 9 months old, healthy, happy, strong. She was such joy. We are so shocked and heart broken. I don't know what the point of my post is here... She got twisted up in her blankets and it looks like suffocation, but we don't know yet the cause of death and maybe never will. We've had a gorgeous funeral send off for her. We have a four year old and we go on with life somehow, my husband has even gone back to work (I haven't). I don't know what to do with myself, I feel empty, numb, broken, scared, shocked. I can't stop thinking about whether or not to have another baby even though it is far too soon to make this decision of course. But I'm 40 next month... Anyway, I don't know what I'm looking for here except any advice anyone can offer from those who know this horrible reality.
August 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Molly, I have no useful advice or wisdom to get you through this terrible time. All I have are condolences. I am so incredibly sorry you lost your very loved little girl! I wish you peace in the days, weeks, and months ahead as your learn to live in a new reality. You and your precious daughter will be on my mind.
August 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterRuby's Mom
Oh Molly, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm just so sorry this happened to your family. I'm just sitting here thinking of you and sending you love. These first days are just so impossible. One minute.. one second at a time. All the light I can muster I am sending to you. xo
August 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKate
Molly - I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am holding you and her and your family in the light and sending you strength. Be gentle with yourself and just take it one breath and one moment at a time.
August 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR
Dear Molly, my heart breaks for your and your family. I am so, so sorry... Sending love and strength.
August 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMira
I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain. I just lost my 4 month old baby boy and we are just heartbroken. All I can say is I completely know what you are going through. I don't even want to continue with life anymore but I see that you have made it 2.5 weeks and that gives me so much hope. We don't have any other children. He was our first and I miss him so much. 😭😭😭
August 22, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterkayla erdel
Dear Molly. I too am incredibly sorry you find yourself here. The loss of our children is an extremely heavy burden to bear and we do the best we can every hour to survive somehow. The beginning is very tough. I lost my son 8 months ago, and have a couple of "better days" here and there among the heaviest, worst ones. He is my only child and I was also concerned about age and conceiving again but was too sad to try again for a good few months, so maybe when you are ready you can start thinking about it - IF that is what you wish to do. Try not to focus on age too much if you can, women are having babies so much later nowadays as you know; right now you need to get yourself to some resemblance of peace. Again I am so sorry she is no longer here. Sending you a big hug.
August 25, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
I'm so so so sorry, Molly. 💜
August 29, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSRS
Thank you all for your messages. Cristiane, it's helpful to know that you have been in a similar position and are doing a bit better 8 months better. It's a bit of hope. And Kayla, I never thought that having survived 2.5 weeks would give someone else hope -- but i'm so glad it has. Today my baby would be 10 months old, tomorrow it will be one month since we lost her. So here I am having survived one month. It's so surreal. If you'd like to be in touch with me directly, please do, I would like to too. This is such an awful experience. I really feel for you, it being your first. I have a four year old and I credit him with being my reason to carry on - he gives me no choice, he needs breakfast every morning...
August 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Molly, I would really like to stay in contact. Yesterday we had his ceremony. One of the hardest days of my life. It was beautiful. Lantern ceremony in a park close to home. Steven and I are planning on getting out of town for a couple of weeks. I'm not really sure how else to move on. We are packing up our Jeep with the basics and going camping/backpacking through Colorado to the Rocky Mountains. I'm not sure why but nature is the only thing that makes sense at this point.
August 31, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterkayla erdel
Molly and Kayla, I am so sorry for your loses. I lost my 15 month old son to pneumonia 9 months ago. My two living daughters and the hope of having another child pull me through each day. We have been TTC for awhile and so far no luck and I will be 40 in a couple weeks. All of your feelings are normal and with time things have become more clear for me. For a long time and still today, I feel like I am walking around dazed and confused as life whizzes by I feel like I am walking in a war zone. I remember pacing my house the first week after his death because I didn't know what to do with myself. I went back to work 2.5 weeks after our son's death, for me I needed routine but I also need a paycheck to cover our bills as I am the breadwinner for the family. I have known others that take lots of time off of work. Whatever feels right to you is what you should do. 9 months out and I am still shocked this happened, how can this be my life? How did this happen? I imagine this feeling won't go away but will be less raw and searing over time. Do things that give you peace and comfort. For me that was remodeling our bathroom. It was a project I could focus on that brought me moments of pleasure. I kept trying to string the moments together to pull me through. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
September 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Hi kayla and Denise. Kayla, your ceremony sounds beautiful and your trip into the mountains makes total sense to me. I hope it's going well. My email is mollycgeorge@hotmail.com. Please write when you are up to it.
Denise, your message is comforting to me. Good to know you have made it along nine whole months. I also take comfort in knowing you are the same age and also thinking of another child. I really hope it works out for you. My wee four year old boy loved "his baby" so much. They were bound to be a dynamic duo. I'm so sad that won't happen now. And I am having days where I feel so good and optimistic I actually wonder if something is wrong with me. Then another day I'm so so sad.
September 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
My two daughters love their brother so much and miss him. The younger one keeps asking when he will come back. Asher provided each of my daughters a special kind of comfort that only he could provide. I am so sad that he isn't here to have that relationship with them. I think it is normal to have good days. I used to feel guilty about having them but I have come to understand that the bad days will come back. Also, I really enjoy my daughters more now, I realize how precious they are and that their presence is not a guarantee.
September 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterDenise
Hello again Denise and Kayla. Kayla, how was your two weeks away in nature? i'm going away for a four day backpacking trip this week. I'm a bit nervous because i think being out in the wildnerness will intensive all of my emotions. but i'm also glad. i'm going with a friend. And Denise, my "good days" have basically passed. I think it was some sort of adrenaline or numbness. Now i continue on with daily life but such a deep level of intense sadness is with me at all times. Sometimes it's in the background to a degree, though always there for me, i just have to push it back in order to function. Other days it feels harder to do that and I feel like I'm barely getting by. But everyday, i'm so so sad. It's so hard. I don't want to always be this sad.
October 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Denise,
Hi again, I think that i have seen a post from you on another thread and that you are 6 weeks pregnant? If this is you, i want to congratulate you! And tell you it really helps me to know someone in a similar situation -- having lost an "older baby" (ie, not newborn or miscarriage) and to be 40 and trying to conceive again. I just turned 40 and thought i was done having babies, but since Mae's death we now hope to try again. I have just stopped some medication that needs to be out of my system for three months before i can try again. The added pressure of feeling "older" than i intended to be while still having babies does loom over me a bit. As well as all the complicated feelings, so so mixed, of hoping for a new baby while still intensely grieving the most beautiful baby i ever could have known.
Molly
October 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMolly
Do what you feel is right. My wife and I lost our daughter in July of 2015. My wife Was pregnant on September 2015. Our rainbow baby was born June 2016. yes everything happened so fast , even with our grief we still knew what we wanted and that was for us to have another child.
Having a rainbow baby helps tremendously in our time of grief.
November 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAlex