We went out in public today, for the first time without her. And I saw her everywhere. At the park, in the empty backseat, in the clothes section of the store I thought was for really tiny adults (unrealistic body expectations, I muttered) before my husband told me it was for babies. Tiny track suits, just like adult ones, except for babies. We could have had matching track suits.
I just need to talk about her.
We knew she was going to die. She was missing her brain stem. How can a baby survive without a brain? Answer: she can't.
We went home and practiced being pregnant with a baby we knew was going to die. My husband wanted to terminate but I held out hope. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe she would be ok.
We held her for 4 hours. She was so tiny, and perfect. I've never seen such a perfect baby. My husband didn't want to touch her at first. He didn't want to name her, or bathe her or take pictures of her. Maybe if we didn't do those things it would be like she never existed. We could cut our losses and move on and be fine. But I couldn't get enough of her. I named her Luna, for it was under the light of the moon we said hello and goodbye.
I just miss my baby. My Luna. She would have been perfect. She was perfect. Except she died. She is perfect and dead.

P I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Luna... mothers always hope for the best for their children but we can't do anything against fate.
I also lost my daughter due to the brain related issue on a 33rd week of the pregnancy. She had an enormous and uncontrolled bleeding in her brain that totally destroyed her brain tissues. This happenned 4,5 months ago but it is so fresh and every day I miss my little baby girl even more.
I wish you a lot of courage and strength to go through these dark days. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and wishes. Will be thinking of you and Luna.