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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Little Bear

I stumbled across this place after googling "pregnancy after child loss"... and for th first time I feel like this may be where I find release.
My name is Marissa Gibson, I am 26 years old. My life changed forever last Friday on August 5th 2017. My fiancé and I lost our first child together at 32 weeks. Theodore Magnus Gonzalez....our little bear was still born here in Houston ,Texas last Saturday. No words can describe how much I ache, no tears will ever measure up to the weeping my soul cries out. Our son has gone home to be with Jesus... but I miss him. Oh how I miss him.

I struggle to find the right way to communicate how I feel. There is a burning inside me for
My first born son, and yet I know he has gone home, but then there is this ache, an ache I feel
So guilty for because I know I have to grieve. I love my Teddy, how precious and perfect he was. No one can ever replace him. I feel guilty all the while because I ache to be a mother. My heart wants a child, I want to give my fiancé a baby... I feel ashamed and guilty. We just laid our son to rest... I just gave birth to him. How can I be thinking about another child? I found this place hoping someone could help me. Has anyone ever felt this? Is there something wrong with me?
August 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarissa Gibson
Marissa---I'm so sorry your Teddy isn't here with you. It's so awful and unfair and shocking. A week...I was in such a daze. I could barely function. But to answer your question: everything you're feeling is normal, there's nothing wrong with you. There is no wrong way to grieve this kind of loss and whichever way you do it will be right for you. You didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault, really it isn't. Of course you wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt your baby, you kept him safe inside for 32 weeks. At just a week out, the most helpful thing for me was something I read here, pouring through the posts: be patient, gentle and kind to yourself and ask those around you to do the same for you. Sending you a hug mama.
August 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy Marissa. This so unfair and so hard... No words can ever describe this feeling.
I lost my daughter on the 33rd week of pregnancy 4,5 months ago. To be honest looking back I don't even know how I managed to survive this horror and not go crazy. But I must say that the therapist helped me and my husband a lot to navigate through the darkness of the grief. May be the professional help would be good for you now? Have you conciedered it?
Sending you gentle hugs and a lot of positive thoughts and wishes. Please be kind to yourself.
August 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
My son was stillborn at 37 weeks and I remember talking to my husband about trying to get pregnant again while we were still in the hospital. So don't feel like your thoughts are anything but normal. I'm so sorry for your loss.
August 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
I had really similar thoughts, Marissa. One thing that my husband said to me that I found helpful was that the desire to mother a living child is a beautiful, nurturing part of me and it does not mean that I love the daughter we lost any less when I acknowledge this continuing part of me.
August 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterK West
All of you have been so open and honest about your own experiences. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. It comes in waves the sadness of loosing our son, the hope for another chance, and then the guilt. I'm going to seek professional help as someone suggested in a reply post, to maybe guide me through all of this. I've never had to deal with true grief so I feel so lost. My fiancé has been truly amazing in every way, but I think even he feels a little helpless too sometimes when he catches me crying or when he knows my mind is on Teddy. I miss him, and it's a powerful pull that doesn't ever stop. I've found more comfort being close to my fiancé than I have found anywhere so far.

Thank you all again for taking the time to read and respond about Theodore. I hope peace and love remains a continued presence in all of your lives.
August 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarissa Gibson