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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > My Maizy

My sweet Maizy

On July 8th we had planned a gender reveal party. My husband and I had been looking forward to this day for so long, I thought it was a boy but my husband was for sure it was girl, he kept saying "she's my little angel". That evening we had about 40 family and friends come and set off confetti poppers. We counted down till we hit 1 and a flood of pink confetti surrounded us. We were ecstatic.
On July 10, 2017 we had our 20 week anatomy scan. This day is the day our hearts broke.
As the tech scanned, I could tell on her facial expressions something could be wrong. She never said a word to us until the end and said we are all done. I asked her if everything looked good and she said she would have to get a doctor to tell us that. As we waited for the doctor I turned to my husband and I said "I think there is something wrong". The doctor came in and asked if he could quickly scan me. As he did his quick scan he said that he was having trouble seeing her left hand and she's turned in an awkward position so he couldn't get a good look, but it's best we go to a neonatal specialist hospital to have a better detailed scan there, he then joked " it's probably nothing they'll look at her and say 'what's this idiot sending you guys here for'." I wish he could have ate his words but that was just the beginning of our nightmare.
July 12, 2017 - in between the 10 - 12 I had to go get blood work done to check for chromosome defects and infections etc. At the hospital we had our "detailed" scan and they noticed her right eye was a little smaller than the left (so?) and that she was measuring a week and a half behind (so?). First of all I'm also very small... and I have a small left eye... so basically they were saying she looks like me! We had to meet with a genetics doctor and a social worker it felt so confusing and overwhelming... we didn't have a diagnosis we just had "well it could be this or that" .... but why did we have to meet with all these people if we didn't know what was wrong? We fought with them so much that they could be wrong they had the wrong baby, our baby was perfect leave her alone. They gave us options on how to start looking for answers the first was and MRI for her eye, to see what's going with it and to check her brain.
July 19, 2017 - we had our MRI, I felt like I was suffocating in there. I hated every moment in there. All I could say was sorry to our sweet baby girl that this was even happening. Afterwards we had to go back to the neonatal unit to go over my blood work results. We got our genetic screen back and it came back 1:2 chance of having trisomy 18... and also my AFP levels were at 16.54 which causes concern to the doctors as a normal level is around 2.2. They really wanted us to do the amniocentesis, we did not. They were concerned about preeclampsia, and for my health. We ended up leaving the hospital that day just defeated. We didn't know how else to go about anything all we wanted was someone to tell us they were wrong and our girl was healthy. We talked for a few days and finally my husband and I decided we would do the amniocentesis so we could have an answer and to be done with this emotional roller coaster.
July 24, 2017 - This was a scary day for us. We knew it had to be done though. Praying our little girl would be safe we had the amnio done. They told us we would have the results by Wednesday. We waited impatiently, that Tuesday was a limbo day but it felt ok. I felt the test would come back negative and we would continue on with our pregnancy.
July 26, 2017 - The phone call. At 4:30 pm the specialist called us to tell us our results... all we heard was "your baby has come back positive for Triploidy" .... pardon? What's triploidy... how? She's beautiful... cause she's small? This doesn't make sense. Then the specialist continues to say that triploidy babies have 0% compatibility with life. They usually miscarry in the 1st trimester. Not many make the 2nd and even little to the 3rd. My husband and I were floored.. this couldn't be true. She started talking about how we should think about saying goodbye to her because my AFP was so high my life was at risk if I continued the pregnancy. We researched a lot about triploidy afterwards and some concerns came up with an increase for preeclampsia and toxins to enter the mothers blood stream due to the sick baby. We knew the decision we had to make, we wanted kids so badly and we didn't want to jeopardize our futures. My husband said to me "I can't lose both of you"
Aug 1, 2017 - we we're admitted to the hospital to be induced I was 23 weeks and 4 days (measuring 21 weeks cause she was small) the process was awful, being induced was not an experience I would like to go through again. The OB's and nursing staff were phenomenal. They treated us so wonderfully and we were well taken care of. We just wish it wasn't for the circumstance we were in.
Aug 3, 2017 - 2:45am and after 15 hours of labor, our sweet precious girl Maizy Lynn was born. She was everything we imagined. She had my nose and chin and she had her dads hands and feet. She weighed 295g and she was the most beautiful girl we have ever seen. We were able to stay with her for as long as we wished. We had her all day and stayed with her all night. We sang to her, we slept with her, we took so many pictures of her, we walked around with her, we kissed her and we told her how much we loved her.
Aug 4, 2017 - 12:00 pm, we set this time so we could say goodbye. Once the time came it was too hard I collapsed and I just couldn't let her go. I knew I'd never be able to hold her again, or see her sweet little face or get to kiss her perfect forehead. I couldn't do it. But we did and that drive home was the longest drive I have ever had. I went up to shower and I just sat in the shower sobbing wishing this was nothing but a bad dream. I miss her so much and I feel like I will never be able to get over this. How do people go on to have other children.... I don't think I can. This heartbreak is too much... I could never go through this again. I'm really struggling, I can't stop crying. I just don't know how to go on from here.
I want my baby back, and Dad wants his little angel back.
August 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterS.Haber
Let me start by saying I am so sorry S.Haber. It is never easy saying goodbye to our little ones. I wish that none of us ever had to go through the things we have that brought us to glow, yet here we are.
I am sure your Maizy is a beautiful angel.
Leaving them I think is the hardest. When i lost my little Janice she was 3 years 3 months and 11 days old. I remember the dread leaving the hospital. i kept thinking she would wake up as if she was only taking a nap, of course she never did but that was my fear she would wake up all alone.
Any way i just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. It has been almost 5 years for me and i still come back to glow on the hard days to find the support and comfort from the other mamas and papas that have been through similar loss.
Thinking of you and Maizy today. May she fly high with the angels and send you kisses on the wings of butterflys.
August 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterTsukia
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Maizy! I'm thinking of you and your sweet little girl today
August 5, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterknottedfingers
Hi Mamma... I am so very and sincerely sorry. This is so incredibly new and it will probably be raw like this for a good while... of course, because the love is all still there in your heart but stuck, with nowhere to go... what I do is I picture my baby son and a big strong ray of love coming out of my heart heading to him... sometimes it helps, sometimes it's not enough. Wishing you as much peace as possible in these early days, and do whatever you need to get comfort. Hugs to you.
August 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane