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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Time

I started back at work last week and I mentally prepared for it as much as I could, strangely it actually wasnt so horrible. I thought I had got through the hard part of the first few days seeing everyone again and was doing reasonably ok until now, this week im a complete mess I had to step out a number of times to try to compose myself and couldnt stop crying all day when I got home. I called in sick today I just couldnt get out of bed. Its been 5 months I thought I was doing better but as time passes im finding it harder and harder to breathe, I dont know how to cope with this pain, my heart aches living without my little girl. I just want to go back in time and fix it, I want my beautiful baby girl back.
July 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterConfused
I'm so sorry for the grief you're feeling, but know you are not alone. There is no timeline on mourning our losses. I've realized I may take 1 step forward and then 3 steps back and that is OK. I have "good" days when I have hope for a brighter future and then bad days that seem to swallow me whole. I am 3 months out from the loss of our daughter, I've just started to come out of the fog. Our losses have changed us, all we can do is rebuild around them and trust that things will get better. I'll be thinking of you and your sweet girl today
July 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAKM
Oh, Confused, I'm so sorry - it feels so frustrating to feel like you'd moved forward and then to have a bad day or days again. Like AKM, I'm three months out from losing my baby and I had the same experience with going back to work that you are having. The first few days were fine, I thought I'd gone through the worst, and the second week hit me like a ton of bricks. I think for me, it was the realization that the days were resuming their old pattern and this was my reality - rather than the big life change I thought was going to happen before I came back to work. But I think AKM is right - it's just going to keep being up and down - some days will be better and then grief comes to visit again and it's hard to predict when or how it will come. I've been back at work for almost two months now and this week has just been really hard (in part due to new information in the autopsy result we received this week) - and I've just had to accept that sometimes it will be hard. Be gentle with yourself - hopefully your workplace is also gentle with you and understands that you may just need more flexibility now as you slowly get stronger and adjust to this new normal. And remember to try to take advantage of those times that things feel easier and enjoy those moments too. I am sending you strength today.
July 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR
I'm so sorry that Tou are feeling this way, at 5 months I was deep down in that dark place again, after having an ok 3 weeks actually Enjoying some moments of life.
Then boom, and I just wanted to curl up into the bed and stay there forever, the tears wouldn't stop. The grief don't follow rules, you just have to take the waves when they come, I think that in the end it will help to have welcomed the waves.
Lots of love, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
July 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
I'm very sorry ladies that we're all going through this. Nobody should never cope with such a terrible loss experience.
I lost my daughter 3,5 months ago and I'm on the same emotional roller coaster as you. Sometimes it feels better and I can enjoy life but then this big tsunami of grief comes back (and usually just after I start thinking that my emotions are under control) and takes me all over again in its deep dark waters.
I'm going back to work next Monday and I hope I can distract myself by concentrating on my tasks. But when catching up with my boss this week I mentioned to him that I'm still not emotionally stable and in the moment of crisis I'll be off since I don't wanna be a crying mess in the middle of our office. He was very supportive and said I should do as I feel like and that I can do home office so that was a bit reassuring.
Sending you my positive thoughts and soothing vibes. Take a good care and be gentle to yourselves. We still have a long way to recovery (which we all know will never be a full one).
July 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElise's mom
It's so up and down and the unpredictability of it has been particularly exhausting for me. Work definitely triggers different things that set me back. I remember feeling like I was drowning all over again at 3 months and a 5 months. Going on 7 and a half months now, so we'll see when the next real collapse is, but it happens. And there are days here and there between these big setbacks where it just hits me and I have to spend time just grieving and feeling and reading and writing and remembering my baby and that this all was real. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself. You are enduring and surviving the worst possible thing ever and 5 months is still new and hard along this journey. Take care, mama. You are resilient in spite of this heartache.
July 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSteph