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glow in the woods

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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Hello PTSD

It has been 4,5 years since E died. I had to go back to the hospital for a surgery, a cyst on my ovary. Nothing major or dramatic, but it needed fixing.

I was not prepared for the intense emotions of my 24hr stay, in that same hospital, on that same ward, that I stayed in after the emergency hysterectomy I had after her dramatic and traumatic birth. It was not the hospital she was born in, but the one I was transferred to after.

Being there again, raw with abdominal pain, albeit much more bearable this time - it took my right back. I got all choked up when I walked in there in the morning. I cried when they prepped me for the general anesthetic. I cried in the wake up room. Walking out a day later, weak and hurting, it felt like the last time I did that was weeks, not years ago.

Now I am at home, recovering, and I am full of thoughts and tears and emotions for my little girl. Who wouldn't even be a toddler any more, but, if anything like her older sister, a skinny and lanky preschooler. I can see her clearly, I cannot imagine. I miss her. Still.
July 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterB
Oh B, I am so sorry you had to relive those emotions. Hugs to you. maybe talking to a couselor and walking through these raw times would help?
July 14, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
Oh B, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious E, and for your resurgence of grief after revisiting the ward where she died. Even normal, benign thoughts and events can trigger grief for our children. But this? I can't imagine how raw you must have felt. I know this will happen to me too, when I'm pregnant with another child and inevitably visit the same hospital ward in which Riyad died. The PTSD is just awful.

I know that this will always be an inevitable thing, this grief...because grief is just a reflection of love for our children. Your love for E shines through your post and your thoughts of her, 4.5 years later. You will never stop loving her, and in a sense, never stop grieving for her. It's an ongoing process, but I bet it is much more integrated than it was before.

I hope you take it easy on yourself today. Spend some time with your family, fondly remembering E. And please relax, have your loved ones cater to you. E will always be with you. <3
July 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada