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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Am I wrong?

Yesterday was our first family gathering after losing our baby 4 months ago. So many times I nearly backed out but we put on a brave face and went. Only one of my extended family knew what happened as they too were expecting the same time. I thought I was doing okay and even managed a short hello telling myself I would try be brave later and try start up a "normal conversation". That was until they brought their full of life healthy baby to the whole thing, unfortunately we were seated right next to them, we had to sit there while they passed their baby around the table. It felt like a knife through my heart, quite literally thrown in our faces- hey look what you dont have. I was so angry, I couldnt help but think how insensitive they were being, knowing what we just went through. I ended up avoiding them for the day then. I feel guilty one minute for not making an effort but then I think they didnt either. I just wondered if anybody else experienced similar, am I wrong should I have just got on with it and put on my happy face?
July 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterConfused
Oh my goodness no, you did nothing wrong. I don't think I could have handled that...I would have walked out. Sending you a hug. That sounds awful.
July 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
You aren't wrong. Feelings can't be wrong. They just are. I avoided a friend due at the same time as me for an entire year after her healthy daughter was born. We are now good friends again but I needed time. She understood. Your family should too. xxx
July 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
You are not wrong. You are grieving and missing your baby. There was nothing wrong with the way you reacted or that you needed to avoid them. I avoid my husband's niece a lot...we used to be very close as our pregnancies were only 4 months apart. I love her baby girl, but I rarely see her, and she rarely brings her around. I feel that she understands that I can't be around her often. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I don't, because I know it's what I needed. Do what you need and be kind to yourself. <3
July 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
I have been in those situations before. I lost my composure and had to leave. Every time you feel triggered, unsure and emotionally vulnerable, pull back. Just pull back. There are going to be times you feel strong enough, ready, and even want to do things you aren't doing now. Do them then, and not before. If things change because you are not able to be who you were and do the things you did, so be it. If they couldn't reach out and love you well when your baby died, you needn't when their baby was born alive. One is comfortable and one is not, but that isn't your problem. Stay close to the people who don't hurt right now. 💜
July 2, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElaina
Thank you ladies for your replies sometimes I just feel guilty as i always try to make an effort and be considerate of peoples feelings but its exhausting im learning that its okay to avoid people and not feel the need to protect others at this time, grieving is hard enough.
July 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterConfused
You are not wrong at all. Your feelings are valid. There is no right way to handle all of this. I use to always be 'yes' person - always felt I needed to please everyone. Not anymore. My well being and healing is the most important. I've said no more times than I can count in the last 5 months. We were suppose to be at my BIL wedding this past weekend but we opted out. We knew it would be too difficult and detrimental to our mental well being. I've met friends for lunch and had a baby sit at the next table and looked at my friend and said we need to move or leave.

Most people really lack the ability to 'go there' with a parent who has lost a child. They just can't. It's so out of the natural order of things. I'm learning that the people who can't be with me in the hard times and sit with me and my grief, well, as bad as it may sound, I don't need them in my life.

Be gentle with yourself. You are the most important. Do what you need to do to heal. Sending hugs.
July 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
Thanks for your reply Jenna and I am so sorry for your loss. I am trying to work on doing whats best for me and my partner right now and not feel guilty. I have been told people will surprise us in many ways and thats very true. I will take your advice and focus on the people who have supported me most through this. Sending you all a hug and thinking of all our beautiful babies who should be here with us.
July 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterConfused