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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Counselling

It's been a horrible week for me. Sam would have been 3 months old and I'm struggling. I'm hoping the black cloud will pass and change back to the dark grey one. When it's dark grey I can pretend to smile but when it's black everything hurts.
I've never been one to express my feelings. I feel like my husband has moved on some what and doesn't quite understand why I'm still devastated. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it (which makes me sad). He's not one for emotion or a display of his feelings. I'm wondering if I need to speak to someone professional?? Half of me thinks it's a waste of time as I know my feelings are 'normal' and talking will not change the fact that I never see Sam again. But I am worried I'm not coping. I've scared myself today, I love my bright funny 4 year old to pieces but lately I don't even want to be around her. I just want to run away.
Do you have good experiences of talking to someone? Are there any bad experiences?
As always Glow you are my secret safe place, thank you all of you xx
June 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBeckie
Hi Beckie,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Sam :(

I got a therapist about 2 months after Riyad died. It helped me immensely. I still see her once a week and I got through my rawest, most painful moments with her help, if anything she was most useful when I could vent and say whatever the hell I wanted to her without judgment. She didn't care how black the cloud was hanging over me, and I didn't have a need to fake it in front of her. She helped me rationalize some of my most difficult thoughts about riyads death, such as when I blamed myself, and made sure I wasn't feeling *too* destructive and taught me coping mechanisms.

I recommend you get one if only to vent to somebody who won't try to shower you with platitudes or try to tell you how you should think or feel. He or she will listen to you if you need to just talk about Sam, too ❤️
June 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNada
Beckie, I'm so sorry Sam isn't here with you. To answer your question, about 3 months in is when I (and my husband) felt we really needed to talk to someone. Thanks to a support group we attended through the MISS foundation, we found an amazing therapist who specializes in perinatal loss. She was of great comfort to both of us. It was important that she had this specialization, we heard horror stories of insensitive therapists at the support group. But this woman, every time we said something, she'd say: that's normal, that's normal, I've been seeing parents like you for 20 years and everyone has told me this. Do you want to talk about how to respond to these comments, do you want me to share what these parents said worked for them or not? She was amazing, so yes, find someone!
June 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Beckie, I am so sorry you aren't holding Sam in your arms today. I felt like 3 months after losing our son was when things were actually starting to get even harder, I think because by then I had hoped to feel 'better' and more functional, and my husband was looking pretty normal on the outside while I was still a mess, and felt like I was falling behind and falling into a deeper pit. I'm sorry you are in this time period-- keep going, there will be better days, even if it takes a while to get there.

My husband and I started seeing a grief therapist within a couple weeks of losing our son. It has been immensely helpful. I still go about every week and my husband joins maybe once every two or three weeks. I had never been to therapy before and was dubious going into it, but as AB mentioned, it has been so reaffirming to hear from her that these emotions that make me feel crazy are totally par for the course. She also helps me come up with strategies for how to overcome or work through situations that are challenging and dealing with the totally misplaced guilt that I've been having. She's normalized a lot of the things I have been beating myself up about and has helped me come up strategies for dealing with troubling thoughts or heavy emotions that stop me in my tracks so I can get through the day more gently. This therapist came recommended from our OB practice, so that's a potential place to seek a vetted referral if you are looking for someone that has experience with pregnancy and child loss.
June 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSteph
Beckie I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Sam. Please do go and see someone. Preferably someone who specialises in grief and loss and even specifically stillbirth. About 3 months out from losing our girl I tried out a few different psychologists before I found one that was a good fit. I saw her for about 6 months and it was very helpful. At different times over the past 5 years (since losing Shelby) I've needed to se people again and have had 3 different psychologists/counsellors that have all helped me through different stages of this journey.

Please listen to your gut and give someone a go. And if they aren't a good fit try again until you find one that is. xx
June 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Beckie, I am so sorry Sam isn't here with you.
I saw a therapist about 4 weeks after our son, Carter, died. I knew I would need help with this process. My therapist has been instrumental in helping me navigate this new path. It's a hour a week that allows me to solely focus on Carter, as well as myself. She's listened and validated my feelings which has been so important to me. And reiterated, that what I am feeling, is normal. I seek her support on a weekly basis right now, my husband doesn't attend.
My husband and I do attend a local support group for miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss. This has also been very therapeutic, being around other men and women who are surviving with this loss. It's a space where everyone just understands everyone. There is a lot of support and comfort there.
All it takes is finding the right person - someone you are comfortable with. I would recommend, as the other women have suggested, trying to find someone who specializes in grief, as well as pregnancy or infant loss.
Sending strength and hugs your way.
June 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenna