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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Mascara to This

I thought I was doing so well. It was seemingly easier to get through the days, I was starting to feel motivated about work again, last week I even contemplated wearing mascara for the first time since everything went wrong (and not risk ended up with panda eyes from crying).

Now it's not even one week later and today I haven't got out of bed. I called in sick to work. I want to cry all day and scream at the world and not do anything and never get out from under my covers.

How did I end up back here?

I hate this. I just want everything to be ok again. Why did this have to happen???
June 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterS
Oh S, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. This road is long and bumpy and there's not much I feel I can say to help except everything you are feeling is normal.

The grief will come in waves. Some days are good and some are bad. Eventually you'll start having good weeks or months with bad days. I remember when we first lost Shelby I thought I was doing ok and at about the 6 month mark I fell into such a dark pit that I was completely frustrated- I was doing everything "right", I was working so hard to feel "better" and I felt like I was back at the start. Please keep in mind that although this is awful, it isn't how you will feel forever. Feelings come and go and in time you will have more good days than bad. It's so very hard especially that first year to try and see a future where you don't feel like this but it's there. Just keep breathing and getting through each minute/hour/day.

Have you found a good therapist to work with? It saved my sanity to have someone validate my feelings and let me say everything I was feeling.

I hate this too. I wish it never happened to any of us. We are here for you x
June 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Dear S,
Shelby's Mum is right... the grieving process will come in waves... of deep sorrow, rage, depression, etc.. as times goes by, the good days fully surpass the bad ones... but many things can trigger a come back! It is normal what you are feeling!
You just be gentle with yourself... be kind... don't recriminate yourself... just let the emotions come and go... it is possible that you will never be yourself again, you will never forget... but time helps... good days will be more abundant... I am 2,5 years out, and I still have my moments!
One thing I learned in the early months was to not let myself get too excited, because the fall that would come next would be too great.
A big hug to you, to help you cope with this day,
I am sorry we had to meet here, but this community is great for getting the support and understanding whenever you need it.
lots of love
Marta
June 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
S - I'm so sorry you had such a tough day. I hope today and yesterday were easier. I also am struggling with the up and down nature of grief. Yesterday was my 4th day back at work and I had finally felt interested in my work and I got teary, but didn't cry at all. Sunday I managed to go to a party and feel halfway normal. Then today was the worst day I've had - after my 6 week postpartum appointment, I felt so hopeless for the first time. My husband actually came home from work in the middle of the day because he heard how upset I was. By this evening, I feel a little better again - but I also know that there are going to be more bad days out of the blue.
June 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR
Sorry - hit post before I was done. I was just going to say I take comfort in reading others' posts who have been here longer and knowing that eventually the bad days will be further apart and maybe a little less bad. I'll be thinking of you, S.
June 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterSR