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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Guilt

We withdrew care from my daughter on May 1st when she was 3 days old. As we come to the month anniversary of her death, I am struggling so much with my guilt. That I chose to try to VBAC and that if I had just chosen a repeat c/s none of this would have happened. I feel like I failed as her mother and that I couldn't protect her which is all I ever wanted to do. I don't know how to forgive myself.
May 31, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterNicole
Hi Nicole,

I am so sorry for your loss.It is all just so awful.
I lost my daughter six months ago, she was damaged during delivery and we made the decision to stop active care about six hours later and she died in my arms that day.
I have so much guilt in so many different ways! - see previous post - "It's the guilt*
I was old enough (43 at the time) to have demanded a caesarian section and I would have been given one. I also wholeheartedly believe that I would never have seen this website and would instead have been moaning about sleepless nights - baby related - instead of sadness related if I had had a caesarian section .
None of us will however know where a different decision would have taken us.
We make the best decisions we can with the information in front of us.
You love your daughter, you always loved your daughter, you will always love your daughter. You made a decision based on good evidence - that vaginal birth is better for baby and mother - you did your best for her. You showed how much you love her.
Hang on to that,
Please look after yourself and remember that sadly we are all in same position for a myriad of reasons - mothers of children that did not live.
May 31, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE
Hello Nicole I definitely understand your pain, my husband and I had to make the horrible decision to take our baby boy Prince Isaiah off of the ventilator in Nicu he was 53 days old. This was February 3rd 2017
That decision hunts me everyday, so many questions, was there something else that could have been done?, if we wait he could get better? , how/why did this happen to our baby, is everything possible being done to save him?. The list is endless, and my nights are sleepless. That it a terrible thing to make a parent decide. But I also did not want my son to suffer or to be in pain. I have a higher power and I understand that I will see him agian, how ever short the time they were here they were loved and believe me I know that they loved us to!! I hope that this will give you a glimmer of joy!! Take care and God Bless
Hello KE, I am sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl, I pray that God will comfort you through this hard time. God bless
Hi Nicole. I am so very sorry your little girl is no longer here. I strongly believe guilt is a part of all of our journeys for one reason or another. I lost my son at 40 days old this past December. We do not have a final autopsy report yet but it looks like he had a heart condition. We had trouble breastfeeding and during his whole 40 days of life I was obsessing in increasing my supply, researching for hours, pumping all of the time and while I do know I acted out of love and wanting the very best for him I am kicking myself for all of the wasted time that could have been spent with cuddles and all of that. That hunts me every day. There are so many successful VBACs out there, how would you know that yours would have a turn for the worst? you wanted to have the best method of delivery possible for your daughter. I would have definitely wanted the same. You are not wrong, the fact that she is gone is what is wrong, and I am so sorry. Sending you love.
June 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
As the other lovely mums have said, you'd struggle to find a mum that isn't racked with guilt. I feel guilty that I didn't know he was unwell while he was inside me, I feel guilty we also decided to let him go, I feel guilty when I there days that I think about him a little less. Sadly some of our stories might have a different ending if we took a different path, but we didn't and unfortunately we find ourselves here. It's heart breaking, so heart breaking. But we all loved our children with every breath in our body. I could tell you 'don't feel guilty' but it's easier said than done. My thoughts are with you. The first month anniversary is very hard.
June 1, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBeckie