search discussions

glow in the woods

front page
the archives
what is this place?
the contributors
comment policy

Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Hatred and hurt

It's been 8 weeks to the hour since I thought my baby wasn't moving quite at much as normal. Later than night I had an emergency section and my son Samuel was born. He died one week later in a hospice. Immediately after I took myself of Facebook. I didn't want to be bombarded by smug people with their new babies. Tonight I stupidly clicked a link on an email and within minutes I was bowled over by waves of grief. There's a woman from work who was pregnant with me 2 years ago, I had a missed/late miscarriage at 14 weeks and she went onto to have a healthy girl. She wasn't trying for a baby and we had been for 2 years. After that miscarriage it took me a further 2 years of trying to become pregnant. This time I passed the 12 week scan, the 20 week scan, sailed into maternity leave. Meanwhile this same woman from work has sex once on her honeymoon (while breastfeeding) and gets pregnant again. Sods law the second fb post tonight was her new baby boy. There she is all smiley with her 6 day old son. I'm so angry. I want my son. Why does she get 2 healthy babies? I know it's not her fault but I hate her for it, I hate the world. I feel so angry.
May 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBeckie
Oh Beckie, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son, Samuel. I echo every word you said. The anger I've recently felt is visceral. I want to throw something, break something, scream at the world and everyone in it. We lost our son, Carter, in February. I had a emergent C-section due to decreased fetal movement. He suffered severe brain injury due to loss of oxygen in-utero and wouldn't be able to live a meaningful life. We decided to make the heartbreaking decision of withdrawing care. It's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Carter died peacefully in my arms.

I'm so angry right now. The randomness of it all. The cruelty... how all the women who were pregnant the same time as me delivered healthy, happy babies. I want to scream at all of them. I'm so short fused these days. Irritated easily .... on top of the intense sadness and pain that is all consuming every day. The jealousy is intense - why do they get to keep their baby and not me. I feel like I've been robbed. I'm a good person - I did everything right. Carter was so very wanted. My arms ache for him.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel. I'm not ashamed of the anger I feel. My therapist says it's good to feel it and let it process out of you. I've found finding a support group has been a tremendous help. Other people to validate how I feel and won't pass judgment when something I say isn't politically correct. I write in a journal - even if it's only the word "Fuck" for a particular day. I jog to release pent up energy. I stay off Facebook and Instagram, I do not interact with friends with babies, no family gatherings. Do whatever you need to do to survive. We decided to donate in Carter's memory and plan to have a room on the antepartum floor (at the hospital) named after him. Having that brings a little warmth to my broken heart.

I'm so incrediably sorry you find yourself on this path. I wish Samuel and all our babies were in our arms. Wishing you some lightness in your days ahead. Sending hugs.
May 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
Beckie I feel the same as you. I hate that this is my life now I hate that I now have to watch others with their children and listen to them moan about sleepless nights when I would give my right arm to be them. I hate that im not in that club and instead now im in this alien club. I hate that I have to pretend im ok or be strong at family gatherings when all I want to do is scream its so fucking unfair, why me and why my baby. The pain and heartbreak is so intense. Im sorry I dont have much to offer you other than I feel your anger and pain completely. Sending you big hug.
May 7, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAnon
Becky, I am truly sorry you lost your son Samuel. I lost my son Brandon back in December. I have had 2 early miscarriages before him, and both times I was of course devastated as I was so freaking excited about the prospect of being a mom. We lost Brandon at 40 days old, and I cannot believe that we went on to lose our rainbow baby after having the miscarriages. My sister in law who literally lives behind us had a baby girl a few weeks ago, her second child, who will, I hope, outlive my baby, and I will be forced to see her all-the-time. She was pregnant with her first when I had my first miscarriage and that was hard as well. I do not know how come some people seem to have the perfect little family life and some people just get to suffer so much in that regard. Sometimes I wish I was one of these people that never wanted children... but I am definitely not. Please know you are not alone.
May 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
Ladies, thank you for taking the time to reply. I get great comfort from our horrible club. I hate the fact you have to also experience this pain but it's sadly so lovely not to be doing this alone. Xxxx big love to all xx
May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBeckie
Thanks for sharing your stories and your anger ladies. Like some of you, my son was also born through and emergency C-section after I felt lack of movement and lived for 3 days with a severe brain injury he had sustained in the womb. I tried so much to take care of myself and do everything right. This is a very traumatic story and I feel less alone knowing that others have endured similar tragedy though no one should have to go through this. Sending you love.
May 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEm