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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Anger at Finding Out Someone Else is Pregnant

Next week will mark 3 months since our daughter died. She was born prematurely due to the fact that I have what's called cervical insufficiency. Basically my cervix couldn't hold my baby in. Unfortunately, after an emergency surgery failed I had my daughter just shy of 24 weeks. If we had reached the 24 week mark the hospital would have attempted to save her, but that was not the case. I've gone through all of the what if's, guilt, and anger, and with the help of therapy have been ok at surviving. Or so I thought.

Since Elodie died I've cut off myself from social media so that I don't have to see all of the people I know having babies. I swear about 9 people got pregnant around the same time I did. Right now they're all having baby showers and living babies, while my little girl is in an urn. Anyway, not seeing it on a daily basis has helped, but today a colleague pulled me aside to quietly tell me that another girl we work with is pregnant. I lost it. Not in that moment, but in the car. In that moment my heart sunk, I started tearing up, and quickly made my way to a private bathroom to cry, I then left to work from home, and the whole drive home I was crying so hard I'm amazed I made it in one piece. I'm so fucking angry. We struggled with unexplained infertility, finally got pregnant, and then Elodie was ripped away from us.

Hearing that this girl who just got married is now immediately pregnant is like a double whammy. Like I've been run over by a truck while I was down. I have to see her everyday. I have to watch as the other people at work plan a baby shower for her, get excited for her, essentially get baby fever (I work with a lot of women). I don't know how I'm going to be able to function in that environment. It's bad enough hearing people complain about their kids all the time (literally the girl next to e complains daily about her daughter, and jokes about how she's a terrible mother), but now this? I'm just so angry. I want what we all want. I want my baby back.
April 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLauren
Hey Lauren,

I'm so sorry about sweet Elodie, what a beautiful name she carries. I haven't posted on here for a while but I am also 'Tilly's mum' in other posts.
12 weeks hey, this week is 35 since my baby died, I went back to work at the six month mark so you are doing really well to be back so soon.
Yes, it is so brutal, I felt like every person with a v***** had a baby around the same time I did, and most girls, it hurt then and it hurts now when I hear about how they're doing or see their baby.

I've had two co workers and friends have healthy babies since my loss, one had her baby before I came back and one went on maternity leave not long after I had returned and that was hard to see her big belly and the excitement people had for her just as they did for me. Not long ago we were all sitting in the tea room and my co workers were asking her about the baby and joking about loosing sleep and buying nappies as well as commenting about an active baby, I was about to scream 'IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY ARE ACTIVE THEY CAN STILL DIE' but instead walked outside and lost it before calming down.

I later realised that these co workers intention wasn't to hurt or upset me, if I think back they were exactly the same if not more excited and curious about my baby when I had the big belly. My friend at work was really considerate of my feelings as well and immediately shut the questions down. I think it helps a lot if they are considerate and aware, obviously they can talk about their pregnancy and be happy and excited but boasting about it or complaining of trivial naïve things is pretty inconsiderate. I hope you can work out something with this co worker and she is understanding.
So the other one has come into work with her baby twice now and it stings, fuck it stings, but this is what I think to myself... "that will be you again one day, and you should treat them the way you want to be treated'.

It's shit and it's unfair and it's brutal, my fiancé's brother's girlfriend of five minutes had a baby girl 3 months after we lost Tilly, she is 4 months old and we still can't bring ourselves to meet her. My SIL fell pregnant with their third a month after we buried our baby, they are also having a girl and are due a month before her first birthday... completely over lapping our baby's whole existence, but I have to hold onto hope that one day it will be me again, and in the meantime, I, and you, do have beautiful babies.

Much love to you, xx
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterElla
Lauren, I can so relate to your experience, and I'm just so sorry. We tried for 8 years to get pregnant (also unexplained infertility, though I do have mild PCOS which all doctors have said *should not* pose a problem...). Our Evelyn was conceived on our 4th and final IVF and so when she died (also just shy of 24 wks at 23 wks 3 days and due to preterm labor caused by a complete spontaneous placental abruption) it felt absolutely unfair. Unfair is too small a word. It felt cruel. It felt deliberate, like we were being punished. After ALL we'd been though and done, the many long years of trying and dreaming and wishing and praying and procedures and and know the drill. It didn't matter, she still died and she's still not here and she's still never, ever coming back. And everyone else's children get to grow up. Everyone else seems to get pregnant without issue. Everyone else seems to have uneventful pregnancies that result in healthy, LIVE babies. I so understand your anger. And it is warranted. You are not alone and I am so very sorry for the death of your Elodie. No one should have to endure what we have and I'm just so sorry. Wishing I could reach through my computer screen and give you a hug. 3 months is so fresh and raw. It's been 8 months for us and I still feel like the rug has been ripped out from beneath us...because it has. Because our life shouldn't look like this. Our daughters shouldn't be in urns, they should be here with us, in our arms. Doing tummy time and smiling gummy toothless smiles that we can't quite figure out if they're genuine or caused by gas. Hang in there, one day, one moment, at a time... Sending love and {virtual} hugs.
April 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Wow, thank you both so much for your responses.

Ella - I can't even imagine having to deal with being surrounded with other people's pregnancies as much as you have had to deal with it. Being in that situation where everyone was commenting on the active baby, I would have definitely flipped my shit. If there’s one thing Elodie has taught me it is that there are a thousand ways for babies to die. I wish we could all be one of those people that just have to get past the 12 week mark, and then everything will be fine. But you’re right about my coworkers intentions, they don’t me to upset me when they get excited about pregnancies. They were excited for me, and they should be excited about this other girl’s baby. I think I’ll just have to keep telling myself that, and leaving the room when things get to be too much

Melissa – 8 years and then this, that’s so incredibly brutal. You are so amazing for surviving what you have. I have definitely thought some of those same exact things that you’ve written. Our daughters should be here. We should have the live healthy babies that everyone else gets so easily. After everything just to get pregnant it does feel cruel and deliberate. The hardest part is really knowing that she’s not ever coming back. For a while after everything happened I kept thinking if I could just figure out what I did that might have caused this, walked less, not taken the stairs, etc. If only I could identify that one thing that led us down this path, then everything would be alright. I could change it and we would still have Elodie with us. Obviously I can’t travel back in time, but coming to terms with the fact that she really is gone and never ever coming…yah, that’s the hardest.

Both of you ladies are so strong, thank you for sharing with me. All of our babies are beautiful and so incredibly loved.

Sending you both lots of love and hugs,
April 28, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterLauren