search discussions

glow in the woods

front page
the archives
what is this place?
the contributors
comment policy
contact

Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Hatred

I don't know when, or why this happened. I'm almost a year out, after my birth I would just avoid newborns i saw, or if i did see them Id feel devastated. But I feel like that devastation has now turned into a full out hatred. I hate pregnancies, hate babies, hate children. Not just a normal dislike. It sets a rage inside me, makes my blood boil. Starts a war in not only my head but body too. Of course, I dont feel that way towards my son. He was the definition of perfection. Nor do I feel that way about those who have experienced what all of us here have. But with the new family downstairs, happy pregnant blissfully unaware it sets a rage inside me ive never had. I used to be so kind, innocent.. but i honestly just hate, i dunno, humanity? The people who never had anything like the experience I had? I dont really let anyone know, nor do I take it out in any way. I know that I wouldnt act rashly from my anger. But its an anger that just burns me up more and more and it physically/mentally exhausts me. Just after my loss, i wanted to try again straight away. But now I dont want children at all, not anymore. Any child, living in the same space inside me he did? I could never allow it. My partner wants to try again in the late future, when we are older and more secure. But that terrifies me; I dont want another. Nor do i care to see anyone elses. Just seeing, or thinking about it sets an anger at the pit of my stomach. Im so angry, i stress easily as it is, and my body is already showing affects of that. I feel like this agitaton is going to manifest me and theres nothing I can do to stop it. I dont want to talk to any doctors, because they just dont understand. At the end of the day its their job, they dont actually care they get paid to pretend they do. If doctors actually seriously cared my son would be alive, the signs were all there and they didnt do anything. I turn to suicide more and more each day. Its like the winning ticket, to end everything. I just hate everything, even just typing im shaking with rage. A rage in the form of an ocean and the waves are just getting stroger and I cant keep afloat much longer.
April 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterA
Dear A, im so sorry for your loss. I totally get the anger your feeling, I too feel the same anger when I see others who get so easily to have what we SHOULD of had. I remember being so angry seeing pregnant mothers smoking outside the hospital and thinking how they get to have care free pregnancies yet I do everything right and im punished? It too fills me with hate that these people dont have a clue what were going through and what we would give to have a normal pregnancy and child to bring home. I took a few councilling sessions but like you I thought to myself but they did not experience the loss of a child so why should I take their advice. I personally find support groups or forums like glow to be more helpful as people have actually gone through this too. I can relate to you not wanting to try again, I had the exact same feeling...how could I even think of another baby inside me where my little girl was, thats her place just for her..I get that. But your son would not want you to be unhappy, he would want you to carry on his memory and for you to be happy. Its too soon for me right now to think about trying again but I still have this yearn to be pregnant and have a baby afterall that was what we wanted although im terrifed of the thought, I feel we need hope. This should not of happened and you deserve to be happy. I am trying to deal with my grief in a more positive way by doing small things for now to honour my daughter like craft workshops, journalling There are lots of organizations out there too who offer this and give you the chance to meet other bereaved parents, I found this helpful too. Im sorry I cant be more helpful but know that I feel your pain and can relate. Sending you big hug.
April 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
A, I'm so sorry for your loss. This is just awful. I get really angry still at the seemingly innocently happy pregnant women, the intact families etc...ugh...have you been screened for post-parfum depression? I think health professionals do a bad job of screening for this when grief is mingled with it...it helped me a lot to go to a perinatal loss support group (the MISS foundation has them in some places in the US), seeing a therapist who specializes in stillbirth, perinatal loss and infertility also helped but what really helped me, about 3 months out...was Zoloft. It really really helped stabilize my mood, give me space to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions by taking enough of the stabby edge off that I could process things more, and then it helped me get out of the house, to coffee with a friend, the gym etc...anyway, all this to say I understand and I'm sorry.
April 16, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Oh, sweetheart! I wish I had an answer for you, something to stop the pain. Or better yet, something to make this never have happened. I don't. You say, " . . . and there is nothing I can do to stop it." That is not true, though I know it feels true right now. That is a lie, echoing in your head and drowning you.

Where you are right now, almost a year out from the death of you son, is one of the hardest and most depressing points of all. Because somewhere in your brain is the thought, "I've been struggling with this for almost a year and it is worse than ever! I can't do this. I can't live like this. I can't bare this." The weeks leading up to any anniversary of his death are horrible. Worse than the actual day by a long shot. I don't know why, I just know it is true. Sometimes I think it is like reliving the story, except you already know the end and it sucks. But still, you have to walk each step, again and again.

Your anger is justified. Your son died, there is not enough anger in the world to balance that out. You are not broken beyond repair, you are not doing this grief crap wrong, you are not being stupid about all this. You are angry at babies, angry at pregnant women, angry at doctors, angry at life, angry with yourself. You are searching. It is as if you can just find the right thing to be angry about, the right person to be angry with, that will make it better. Somewhere in your head, you are searching for what to blame, what to destroy to make this not have happened or to make it impossible to ever happen again.

Right now, this time of approaching the first anniversary of you son's death. Right now, when your are not planning a first birthday party, when you are not counting teeth and waiting for first steps. Right now is not the time to try and find answers or try to find peace and reason. Right now is a time to survive. It is a time to breathe, one breath after another. After the anniversary, a couple days, a couple weeks, then it will be time to look for ways to cope, ways to find peace and joy again. Now is not the time to worry about the anger. There are ways that you can and will find to reduce it and to control it. But not now. Trust me, the anger and grief will still be there on the other side of your son's day. They ain't going to disappear. But on the other side, there will be more room to breathe, more room to think, more room to see what is going on and where you can best place your anger to do the most good for you and your family, including your son.

Write here again, if you are able, A. Whenever you want or can do so. Many of us care, we know, we are either there with you or have been there. Loving a child who died is hard and heartbreaking beyond words. Lots of love and peace to you.
April 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
A,

Anger is such a normal feeling after such a devastating loss that is often minimized by others. I mean people have actually said " at least she was just a baby". I still struggle with seeing pregnant women and babies and I am almost two years out from losing my 17 day old daughter. I am also struggling with age related infertility and had a subsequent miscarriage. I do some tricks to help change my thoughts if I need to be near or see pregnant women. I try to imagine that - perhaps they too have had a loss. I also try to say to myself, I deserve that , I deserve what they have too. But sitting at a dinner table with them is too triggering.

I dealt with some of my anger by getting it out physically with a hard run and then taking apart and remodeling my kitchen. A friend also brought some plates which I broke in the garage. I wrote an angry letter to my doctors and ripped it up. I took remote drives and screamed at God in the car. I also took medication for a short time. My support group helped too.

You are still in the thick of it. It is slowly getting better for me. I hope it will for you too. I am so sorry you are going through this. Wishing you some peace or some plate smashing if it might help.
April 19, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKim
A,

two things-

first, the anger at others and babies and the doctors and everything... this is all pretty normal and I think you know that too. I have felt that seething anger and it comes around in my life even so many years out.

second. the anger, in the way your are describing it here, I think at a certain point, it can become a real problem. my grief therapist was always checking in with me to make sure that my anger was free-flowing and not stagnant. stagnant anger is just not a good thing. it does exactly what you are talking about- manifesting elsewhere, affecting areas of your life that it really shouldn't.

I know you wrote that you did not want to talk to doctors, etc... I mean, I get that. I need therapy again and its like the last thing I want to set up for myself. all doctors are not going to be the same- there are absolutely some that are just checking off boxes and moving on to the next patient and quota. there are doctors that can help, though. they do care, and they can help. there is no reason for the death of your child to also mark the end of your own life. having suicidal thoughts and endless rage are red flags that your anger is stagnant and you need assistance to get back on a different path that leads to a more healthy place.

I wish I could help you. all I know to do is to encourage you to reach out to a family member or a doctor or friend to try and get some referrals and begin some talk therapy and maybe even some meds.

you are in a perfect storm, with the birthday of your son approaching and also this happy family so close to your personal space... it would be unbearable to me. it took me years to cope with seeing babies and 'regular' people having 'happy normal lives'.

it really sounds as if there is a stuck-ness in your grieving process. I mean, we all know here the fucking horror that comes after losing a baby... we all get it here... but the grieving process is not supposed to lead you to suicidal thoughts and consistent rage, etc...

I don't want to come off as a ninny telling you to go see a doctor and it will all fall into place... if you can't do that,. the next best thing is to talk it out to yourself, on walks, by yourself, in your car... just allow the anger to flow out of you and that could also in-stick it enough that it feels more bearable on a daily basis. or come here and just let it all out. we all get it. none of us are so 'together' that we have not fucking freaked out with rage and anger over even the smallest of things. for me, sometimes it doesn't take anything. just living without is enough to bring me to some very dark places in my mind.

thinking of you...
April 21, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterss
I'm about the same timeline as you with my one year anniversary quickly approaching. I've dealt with similar feelings. I just about punched and kicked holes in the wall after two SIL gave birth to their 5th and 6th living children. I can't stand seeing blissful pregnant women and I can't stand both newborns and kids that look around one year old.

A few things that work for me are:
1) I try to get all my nastiest thoughts and feelings out in the comfort of my own home. The biggest downside to this is I end up showing my husband me at my worst. Sometimes he acts like I want other people's babies to die. It's really more like I'm insanely jealous of them and feel really alone that this hasn't happened to anyone else in our circle.

2) I see a therapist weekly. She can take my darkest thoughts. She helps me to advocate for my own wellness.

3) In the early days I took xanax, prozac, and ambien. I gradually weaned off each of them but they helped tremendously when I felt my worst.

4) Support groups. Listening to other people share their stories made me feel less alone. Also these people all seem like wonderful people who could never deserve what they have been dealt. It helps me be kinder to myself when the "maybe you earned it" type feelings come up. I also made a couple baby loss mom friends that I can call up when the feelings well up and I need to talk to someone else who gets it.

5) And I hesitate to add this one but for me becoming pregnant again has helped my mood a bit. I'm only 11 weeks but I find I feel less angry when I see pregnant ladies. The anger starts to well up in me but it halts because I think well, you are pregnant too. If you didn't know that I had an unexplained full term stillbirth last year I'm someone you'd see walking around looking like nothing bad has happened to me. I have 4 and 3 year old living children and am pregnant again. I try to tell myself when I see someone who looks like they have it all that there may be an invisible hurt that I don't know about. It does still kind of piss me off that some people experience tragedy, some experience multiple, and some experience none. It's the ultimate in life being straight up unfair.
April 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMom2htb
A, I can certainly relate to what you are saying. I have a lot of jealousy and anger inside as well, for these blissfully unaware people who seem to have real trivial problems, when I am here mourning for my 40 day old only son who I lost after having 2 miscarriages. My sister has 4 kids, my SILs have 4 and the other just had her 2nd last week. I am so unbelievably jealous and do not see much point in life, however I do not want my son's legacy to be that he "caused" me to commit suicide. However I do hope that something naturally happens to me. I feel that the only thing that could give me something to look forward to would be a sibling to my son but my husband and I are not in great terms. I don't have a lot of hope but I do hope that life gets better for you and for me. Sending you a sincere hug.
April 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane