This week has been very difficult. My little girl would be 3 months old. Im consumed by lots of different emotions all at once, disbelief, denial, numb, devastation, anger, loneliness, despair, selfish and the main one, guilt. I find myself replaying my conversation with the doctors and asking myself why didnt I fight harder for my daughter, ask more questions, demand the doctors re check and do everything to save her. Why didnt I save her. I feel I failed my little girl, im her mother I should have protected her. Did I not want to believe what I was hearing or am I just a selfish person for not questionning enough. How can something so real now suddenly be gone. Everywhere I go I see mothers and their babies and pink everything, it makes me so angry that this is my life now, after everything weve been through. I should still be pregnant moaning about swollen ankles but instead all im hearing is im sorry and you will learn to live with it. I dont want apologies or learn to live with this. I want my little girl and the future we planned together. Im heartbroken.

It's awful. All of it. The unfairness and agony of it all. Misery beyond comprehension. I've heard the same - that in time, we'll learn to live with our pain and find a path forward and I believe (I have to believe) that to be true but...like you, I don't want to HAVE to do that. I want my daughter back. I want the life we had envisioned and dreamed and hoped for. I want my daughter in my arms, not in my heart. I want to be living life WITH her, not finding a way forward WITHOUT her. People don't get it and their lack of understanding or lack of their willingness to even try, is lonely and isolating and alienating. I'm so sorry, Jennifer. I wish I had something better to offer than that but know that it comes from a place of understanding and compassion and love. I relate to your feelings, all of them. Sending hugs to you. You are not alone.

The emotions are debilitating. One constant loop - anger to pain to guilt to sadness to longing to despair... and so on. It's a merry go-round that we never get off of. None of us should be faced with a reality without our child. Our lives have been shattered and, somehow, we are suppose to find the strength to put it back together. Again, it sucks and it's not fair. I don't want to find my 'new normal' or find my way forward with this grief. I want my son. Here with me. I want the life I envisioned with all the hopes and dreams.
I, too, wish I had something better to say. My broken heart is sitting right alongside yours. Wishing you, and everyone, comfort in this journey. Sending lots of love.

Thanks Melissa & Jenna. I guess reality is setting in for me now. Thanks you for your comments I wish we all had our beautiful babies with us and never had to go through this but it does help to have people to talk to who truly understand so thank you for that. We will get there eventually and always carry our babies with us in our hearts. Thinking of you all