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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > The "why" questions

Hello all. How do you all deal with the question of "why" this had to happen? It has been almost 4 months that we lost our beloved Brandon and I feel maybe the initial shock has worn off a little bit, and now my brain is trying to process everything, and I cannot find an answer...
April 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
Hi Christine, im so sorry for your loss. I lost my little girl Sophia 2 months ago, she would be 3 months old today. I too have the same question everyday, I dont think there will ever be a reason or any sense to it. This just simply should not happen. I dont think ive really processed it yet myself maybe because im in shock or denial but gradually each day it is beginning to hit me. I find journalling quite helpful, do you write much yourself?
April 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
Cristaine, I am so sorry for the loss of sweet Brandon. I am 2 months out from losing my beloved son, Carter. For me, the shock has worn off and I am now realizing the reality of my life without my son. A lot of times the reality is quite debilitating. I, too, ask "why me" "why Carter" "why did this happen - how did this happen." Also the "what if's." I try not to expend too much energy on these questions. It's hard to do, but I find if I continually focus on these questions it propelles me into a black hole that is very difficult to climb out of.

The platitudes "everything happens for a reason" or "God's plan" doesn't do much for me. I agree with Jennifer, it just shouldn't happen. There will never be a reason, that is acceptable to me, for Carter dying. I think right now I'm just chalking it up to the universe. Bad luck, maybe. A fluke. I'm a RN and sometimes I think, maybe, something happened that the medical community can't explain yet. I don't really have any answers. There are a lot of horrible tradigies that happen in this world and no one is immune. All of us moms living without our child(ren) is proof.

I'm still waiting on Carter's autopsy results. Even if the results show something, I don't think it will offer much peace. I might know the cause but I'll likely still ask "why did _____ have to happen to him?"

I am learning that I will have to slowly accept not knowing "why" this happened. But I'll never accept Carter dying. It just shouldn't have happened. He should be here. Just as Brandon and Sophia should be here.

Wishing you and everyone peace on this difficult journey. Sending hugs.


*I journal a lot as well. I find writing the thoughts down provides an outlet. Allows me to express what I need to say and not hold onto them.
April 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
The "Why" question haunts me every day. It took us 8 long years to get our daughter, why did she have to die as she did? There is no answer to that and I don't think there ever will be. I've asked four OB-GYNs, a physician's assistant and a general practitioner and the answer is always the same: we don't know. It's just tragic. I wish we didn't have to go through this, I wish our babies had lived as seemingly everyone else's in our lives...I will never understand. Had she survived her premature birth, she would be 8 months old on Saturday. Had she been born when she was due, she would be 4ish months old. It's just not right. And it never, ever will be. I'm just so sorry for us all.

I too, write quite a bit. I started a blog years ago when we first started our infertility journey and have just recently started writing on there again after taking some time away. I also have a quote taped to our bathroom mirror that has been there since the first weeks post-Evelyn's death: "Hindsight can be deceptive in the wake of tragedy and I don't deserve that burden." The what if's were nightmarish for me in the beginning and that quote has helped me in the day-to-day. And now that the WHY continues to plague my days, seeing it several times throughout the day and reading it to myself each time is still helping me remember that there is nothing I could have done, nothing that could have changed what is, that Evelyn's death was a flat-out tragedy that could not have been foreseen or prevented. I hope it helps you too. Sending hugs.
April 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
The "why" is a minefield. Our daughter died nearly 5 months ago following birth trauma. We are still in the middle of hospital investigations and inquests - all trying to find out why!
I find it easier to analyse hospital notes, guidelines and clinical evidence than just to say - she died - she didn't make it.
There is probably no satisfactory answer to why and even if there is it will not change these dreadful truths.
None of these things should have happened - Brandon, Sophia, Carter, my daughter Eleanor and too many others should be in our arms now - we should be moaning about being tired, colic, not getting out enough - anything but mourning our children.
Melissa , I like the quote and have written it in my diary for use when wishing I'd done things differently.
Sending love and hugs to all of you

KE
April 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE
We lost our daughter aged 16 months only three weeks ago. I just came across this site. Have never before posted on anything like this, but just wanted to check in really.
May 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterBroken