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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Anger

My little girl passed away almost 2 months ago. I still cannot believe it even as I write this. Most of all I am so angry, I am angry why this happened to us, what did I do to deserve this? Why was I given everything I hoped and dreamed of for it to be taken so cruelly from me? She was our first child, our perfect little girl. I am heartbroken and feel so empty and lost. I struggle to see the point in anything now, everything seems so worthless.
April 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJane
You do not deserve this. You could not possibly have done anything that causes your daughter's death to be fair or to be just. It is not right, that she died. There is no reason not to be angry. It is horrible.

What happened, Jane? Who was she, what went wrong? Do you want to talk, can you speak of what you saw and felt? Who was this beautiful, wonderful child, daughter of your heart?
April 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
Thank you Jill, I am finding it very hard to comprehend at the moment. She had to be delivered prematurely I was just over 6 months pregnant. I foolishly thought once you make it past 12 weeks everythings good, how wrong was I. I could not even get excited about becoming a mother let alone have that joy of celebrating I now had a daughter of my own as she was rushed to nicu. Everyday was full of fear and worry instead of enjoying our special time. I feel robbed of not being able to enjoy a normal pregnancy and im so jealous when I see others so easily able to have this and bring their child home. How am I supposed to just carry on as if nothing happened.
April 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
I am so sorry! What a hard and horrible thing to happen! You weren't foolish to think all was well after 12 weeks, that is what common knowledge tells us. You are right, you have been robbed. Robbed of joy, of you daughter, of your innocence. Her death is a tragedy. It is not a problem to solve, it is not drama, it is tragedy. You can't live as if it never happened. (I know you know that, I am just repeating what we seem to hear.) Your part now is learning to live with her tragic death. Learning to live with this new knowledge of life and death and love. Reaching out, as you have by posting, is good. The reaching, the searching, is what will help you along as you mourn. As you live with this love and this loss.

Your daughter should have been here, alive and well.

Sending you a breath of peace today.
April 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.
Jennifer/Jane - like your precious daughter, our Evelyn was also born prematurely 7.5 months ago and was rushed to the NICU, only to pass away just shy of 9 hrs later. While I am grateful for what little time we did have with her prior to her death, I too am enraged that this is our reality and still stunned at what has come to pass. The anger you are feeling is so incredibly warranted. You were indeed robbed -- of your daughter, of the life you were supposed to have together, of a lifetime of memories, and on and on and on. Like you, I thought that we were relatively "safe" -- I was being closely monitored and was actually more worried at that point about cord accidents towards the end of pregnancy than what actually ended up happening, as my sister was born sleeping in 1981. I feel so foolish for ever thinking we were out of the woods and for allowing myself to actually breathe a bit easier. But hindsight is such a monster and such a burden. I wish I could wrap you up in a hug and just cry together. I often find myself wishing that the connections I've made on Glow were people I knew in "real life" as so many people in my life just can't understand or comprehend the enormity of what has happened and we feel so isolated, alienated and alone. But you're not alone (as much as it may feel that you are, I certainly get that) and your sweet girl will not be forgotten. Share here as often as you'd like, without fear of judgement or expectation. We are here for you. If you can, be kind to and patient with yourself. You are still in the early throes of this anguish and the pain and sorrow can feel overwhelming and things can feel pointless and worthless. Why bother, right? So many of us can relate and we're not going anywhere. Sending you love and comfort.
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
Mellisa thank you for your reply. I am so sorry for your loss too, I take comfort in believing our little girls will always be with us although its still very hard. My little girl Sophia fought hard for 7 weeks in nicu to all the doctors amazement and I am so extremely proud of her. On the other hand I feel so sad and guilty that I could not help her and protect her as her mother. I have so many questions but the main one is WHY. I will never accept or understand it. Some days I feel like nothing has happened and others im just so empty. I feel it will help us if we try focus on doing something positive in honour of our little girls and hopefully this will bring some peace. Sending you a big hug
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer
You should be proud, I know I am of our tiny warrior! Your baby girl fought like mad and that's something to hold on to. Doing something positive has absolutely helped me. For me, doing good in our daughter's name has become vital in terms of my healing journey. It's become how I mother Evelyn. I organized a baby blanket drive over the holidays to benefit both NICUs that treated her and the bereavement program at our local hospital, and I'm currently teaching myself how to make burial gowns out of wedding dresses and NICU smocks to donate to the local hospital where she was born. Additionally, for Evelyn's first birthday in August, we plan to make a donation to the local library (children's section) and I'm coordinating putting together bereavement care packages for parents like us who leave the hospital after their child has passed away. However you feel you can keep busy that you view as positive would absolutely be worthwhile. Starting small at first (journaling, reading, taking walks, doing something outside, making a weekly date to meet up with a trusted friend, planting flowers, etc etc etc) and then allowing that drive to do positive things bloom into larger projects. Evie died in August and at first, writing letters to her, taking walks every morning, rereading a book series I knew by heart so I didn't have to think or pay attention, those were the things I could handle those first tenuous weeks and early months. Especially once I returned to work and it was all I could do to get through the day. But come November, three months after Evie died, I knew I had to come up with something to do that felt good, that felt positive and that would help me grieve in a healthy way that also allowed me to feel close to my daughter. So that's where the blanket drive came in. Handling all of those blankets was hard, especially because Evie's due date was in early December but in the end, I felt good about what I was doing and I knew the families and babies who received them would be thankful and that helped me feel like Evelyn was proud of her mama, which has really helped me keep going. I live to make her proud.

I'm planting a vegetable garden this Spring -- even though it's benefiting no one but me (and my husband), I feel closest to Evie when I'm outdoors and can listen to the birds and feel the breeze blow through my hair and against my skin. So to me, it's a positive thing. It also gives me something to do, an inkling of a purpose: that garden will rely on me to weed, water and harvest it. What are some things you feel you'd like to do, in time? And your pain so new and raw, Jennifer, coming up with things to do to keep busy takes time and it's okay to not know what you want to do in the coming days, weeks, months. Self-care is also so important. Sending hugs and love your way, and thinking of your precious Sophia <3
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
They are some lovely ideas. I especially loved the blanket idea you did, I think I may need to teach myself how to make them as I was so grateful to the lady who kindly handmade them for Sophia. We plan to do a few things like plant a tree and also make a donation in Sophias name towards research for the infection she caught and also nicu. I really want to take time to ensure I honor my daughter in the best ways. She will be 3 months tomorrow and it still feels like im just waiting to go see her in nicu, the feeling is so strange but I guess it hasnt really sunk in yet for me. Evie would be so proud of you for all your hard work and her memory will always live on, I hope in time I will have achieved some of these things like you. Thinking of our too little fighters tonight x
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer