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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Do you have a memorial shelf/corner

So I have a memorial corner in my home for my daughter. It will be 10 years in July since she passed. We have a memorial altar for her too. It's got her photos, a toy, some crystals, candles, and my girls leave her snacks and offerings in her memory from time to time.

Her corner has a curio cabinet with all her things in it.

I just wondered if anyone else had found peace in an altar or set up like this?
April 3, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterknottedfingers
For now, our daughter's changing table/dresser in her nursery serves as her memorial spot in the house. I know it's been almost 8 months since she passed and a lot of people take the nursery down by this point but we just can't bear it. And that's okay, we're grieving our own way. Though, we did remove her crib not long after she was too painful to keep up, as it represented too much. One day, when we transition that room into a nursery for another child (an idea that hurts my heart at present) or if we were to move (another idea that is painful, as I don't like to think of leaving her room behind), we would establish a new area but for the time being, her sunny yellow dresser is where her urn rests. We keep fresh flowers beside her urn and the dresser top has photos, her memory box from the hospital, the molded casts of her arms and legs, photo albums the nurses took for us when she was in the NICU and then after she passed, her Evelyn Bear from the Molly Bear foundation, small decorations depending on the season, and various odds and ends that friends and family have sent us for her. My best friend's mom made her a beautiful blanket with her name on it that we hang like a banner from the top shelves: E V I E. It is comforting to have this space, a space that is just for her, that we can visit whenever we like and keep looking beautiful and personalized. We light a candle for her every night.
April 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa
I cleared off a shelf in our loft and put our daughter's ashes up there (in a wooden box my stepfather made for her), along with the other stuff we have from her. There are some cards, her hand/footprints, the photos we had taken in the hospital, and I dried some of the flowers we received. My son's teacher took him to the flower shop and helped him pick out a bouquet, so I dried as much of that as I could, and a few flowers from the others we received. My fiance is a bit creeped out by having her ashes up there, but he's learned to deal with it.
April 4, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterkiaulune
My husband and I live in a small one bedroom apartment. Space is hard to come by in the city. Our son, Carter, had his nursery set up in the walk-closet. While we were with Carter in the NICU our families packed up the nursery and took everything to storage (they asked but I didn't really process what it all meant). Part of me wishes my husband and I waited and took time to go through everything, and then other times I think it's better they did it.
When we returned back to the apartment the place just felt so cold and empty; as if we were never even pregnant or planning to bring Carter home. And I hated feeling like that. So, I was adamant we create a memorial space for him. We set up the table in a corner of our living room. It has his urn, a photo from the photographer Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a candle, his car blanket, and a memery box they holds all the items from the hospital and other knick knacks. We also keep a single fresh flower on the table. We replace it every Wednesday... the day he was brought into this world. We light the candle on Saturday, the day he left this world.
It's just shy of 2 months since losing Carter. The pain and sadness is still raw. But, the memorial space has given me a place to sit with him and talk to him. He's our first child. My husband and I always say we are a family of three now. It's a place to remember and honor him.
April 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJenna
Hi knottedfingers,

Thanks for writing this & sharing here. It's so good to read of what you do, and others too.
We have a place in our house for our son. It's almost 3 1/2 years since he's been gone, and although it wasn't something we deliberately set out to do, the area of photos, gathered & made trinkets and candles, brings us great comfort. It really feels like his place, and a connection to our boy, and just like your children do, Z's little brother often offers a snack or something from his meal (a grape and cherry tomato today!)

I wonder, do you, or does anyone ever do anything special at altars on certain days? On the dia de los innocentes, last November, we cleaned up Z's area, rearranged it all, and covered it in flowers. It felt like giving new life to it, and to him somehow, by doing so - almost as if refreshing our love & connection. Keeping it as a shifting, changing presence of objects, and not static, helps me to feel that Z is changing with us.

Wishing you peace as you approach 10 years without your daughter. x
April 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterZ's Mum
Melissa - I love that you do fresh flowers! We do flowers on the 14th and 25th of each month.

Z's Mum - We celebrate Day of the Dead and also the Japanese festival of Obon. Obon is where you honor your ancestors spirits. We also do something special on my daughter's death day anniversary as we are Jewish. I am working on rearranging her space again actually from how it is. I really want to get a butsudan for our memorial corner.

It's nice to find someone else who has kids who leave food for their siblings. I think my kids picked this up from watching Japanese anime because it's a way that the Japanese honor their ancestors and those departed. As I research it it seems to be a pagan thing also though an 'ancestor altar' where they leave food and trinkets for their departed. Sometimes it's something simple like rice, sometimes they leave cookies or cupcakes with a bit of milk.

It's definitely a connection. A way to keep them with us.

Jenna - I love that you replace a flower every Wednesday! I might look into doing something similar if you don't mind me using your idea? I can easily get a flower every Sunday from Kroger. A single white rose.

kia - I'm glad he's adjusting to it. Especially since there will always be part of them with us in some way. I too dried funeral flowers. We have them on her shelves
April 5, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterknottedfingers
Hi all, thank you for sharing what you all do to remember your children in a physical way.
I lost my daughter Eleanor nearly 5 months ago just after her birth. Her specially created nursery has now become my office. I have her photo and hand and foot prints on a shelf. I always have fresh flowers there, often bought from the shops but if I can picked from our garden or when on a walk. I also have kept there a letter I wrote to her before she was born about my hopes and dreams for our life together and for her life. I hope someday someone else will read it and think of her.
Remembering our beautiful children xxx
April 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterKE
KE that's beautiful!! I have my daughter's little stuffed animals and things on hers. I'll get photos up when I get it rearranged and prettied up :)
April 5, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterknottedfingers
We do have a sill that's little miss S's, here photo, some candlelight holders, a headstone decoration (duplikat of the one that's on the graveyard) and here knitted teddybear that she got from one of my sweet friends when she became a big-sister <3 We light candles in the evenings when we miss here the most.
Here live sisters is in Framnes pictures in the opposit still in the livingroom. I'm thinking of setting all the three of them in the same sill, but little miss S's stuff takes a lot of place.
April 8, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterScandinavian endo-girl
We lost our son Brandon almost 4 months ago; we keep an IKEA shelf (one of those made up of squares, you can add a little cube drawer in them or leave as is), we have his urn, butterfly footprints, picture frames, and a few letter "B" things we got along the way, as we refer to him as "B" often. We also have candles we light on the 5th and 15th or whenever else we need to.

Love the idea of having crystals :)

Hugs to you momma
April 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane
We have Shelby's footprints, birth certificate and a photo of her tiny feet in a frame on the wall. We also have a sunset name in the sand photo on the wall.
April 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Thank you everyone for sharing with me!

Cristiane You should look into crystals! There are some that help heal you and some that stand for grief and mourning. We have on our altar space Apache Tears. They are the mourners crystal
April 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenterknottedfingers
Knottedfingers I will certainly look out for those, thank you for the idea.
April 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterCristiane