search discussions

glow in the woods

front page
the archives
what is this place?
the contributors
comment policy

Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

for one and all > Friendship challenges after loss

We recently experienced two losses back to back. We lost our first baby at 13.5 weeks. It was a "silent" miscarriage... I had no idea anything was wrong until the ultrasound that day. I will never forget that heartbreaking moment when they told me there was no heart beat. Then only 4 months later, I miscarried again at 6 weeks. In the meantime, our very close friends from college (the kind of friends who become family), had their first child - a beautiful baby girl. She was born just a little over a week before the loss of our first baby. This couple often talked about never wanting kids. And now they continue to make comments like "thank goodness we will only have 1" or "glad I'll never have to go through that again" ("that" being pregnancy). It's so painful to hear. In addition, they have all this family drama that has resulted in them not speaking to one set of the baby's grandparents. It's not really my business but they talk to us about it often. And I just want to scream, "you have a healthy baby! Let her see her grandparents!" And the icing on the cake... We are the baby's godparents.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for them. I love their little baby girl and we are honored to be her godparents. But spending time around them usually ends with me crying myself to sleep later. I want to be a good friend. I'm sure adjusting to motherhood isn't easy. I wish I could be there to listen to my friend's frustrations and support her... But all I've ever wanted to be is a mother and I keep having to give my babies to God before I get the chance to hold them in my arms. So it hurts to hear those complaints and negative comments about pregnancy. I feel our friendship is really starting to suffer. I'm starting to resent them in ways... I don't want to. But if I'm being honest, I'm jealous. We want to be parents so badly, but don't get to be. Meanwhile, they never wanted to be parents, but were blessed with a perfect baby. How is this fair?

Any advice for how I preserve our friendship?
April 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJo
Hi, I'm so sorry. Does your friend know about your losses? If not, I think you should tell her about them and explain how you feel and maybe take a little break for a bit. That's the only thing that worked for me.
April 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Thank you. She does know about our losses... Re-reading my post, it sounds a little harsher than I intended. I was quite upset yesterday when I first posted. I think you're right about taking a break. I forced myself to continue to attend a lot of social gatherings in the weeks following our losses, when their baby was brand new. And I probably should have given myself more time and space then before it got to this point of feeling bitter and jealous. When I spend time with her without her baby present, it's not nearly as painful. I want to be part of their baby's life but I think I need more time before I can happily spend time around the baby. I think she would be understanding of that... Thank you AB.
April 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJo
Jo, in reply to your comment on the other thread, I am glad your work was supportive for you, too. It helps! As to taking a break, that is a good idea. Some time to mourn, some time to just be, without having to be anything in particular. We spend so much of our time trying to be okay, to get back to normal. I think we forget at times how hard this actually is. That losing a child is really a tragedy, not a problem to soldier through or overcome.

Peace to you. I hope your day is going well.
April 3, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterJill A.